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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Messy DP

22 replies

Silverblues · 01/07/2019 17:12

My DP of two years and I live 2 hours drive from one another, he works from home and as I only have to work two days a week in my office I tend to spend half the week at his.
He’s a wonderful person, everything I love in someone and we’ve started making plans for me to move in with him properly but I’m hesitating due to how incredibly messy he is.
It took a few months of us seeing each other for me to realise how bad he is as I didn’t realise that his mum used to come in and clean and tidy most days. he works long hours in a high pressure job in his home office, and his mum is retired and likes to do it but she doesn’t do it now that I’m there most of the time.
So now I tend to do a lot of the housework as he’s working for some of the time I’m there and it’s only what I’d be doing at my place anyway, and it’s my mess too, but he literally does nothing, unless we have visitors and then he’ll blitz the whole place in a few hours. He’s one of those people I think who just doesn’t see/isn’t bothered by general mess whereas I can’t relax in an untidy environment.
He’s also very resistant to getting rid of anything.
I’ve brought up the fact that if I move in I’m not willing to do all the housework as I’ll be working full time in about a year’s time and have said we would need to get a cleaner but he’s reluctant as he doesn’t like the idea of a stranger in his house.
What do I do here? If he and the relationship were less great then it’d be easier to just end it but I really love him! I know he’s not going to change. So I guess my options are, accept it and do all the housework, convince him to get a cleaner (although this might cause tension and arguments as he’s not keen) or just break up

OP posts:

MamaLazarou · 01/07/2019 17:16

Hang on a minute... His mum used to come round and clean but now you're living there she's stopped? Speaks volumes, doesn't it?

tobedtoMNandfart · 01/07/2019 17:17

I think your only option is to say you won't move in until he has a regular cleaner.

The only other option is LTB. His mum has done him no favours as he has obviously never learnt to do for himself. He doesn't want a stranger in the house & he won't get rid of anything?! I mean seriously fuck that!

I know you love him but this status quo could make you seriously unhappy over time.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/07/2019 17:21

his mum used to come in and clean and tidy most days

How does his penis not drop off? That is one of the least sexy things I have ever read on here. And he doesn't want a cleaner but he's happy for the women in his life to do his shitwork? That speaks volumes. He likes his cleaning ladies unpaid.

Original poster

Silverblues · 01/07/2019 17:24

@MamaLazarou yeah she’s spoilt him. The reasoning is that he has always worked such long hours and she likes doing it. She’s a lovely woman and I guess she doesn’t want to intrude knowing I’m here a lot now. I don’t think theres even an expectation on his part for anyone to do it, either her or me, as he genuinely doesn’t care if it’s messy

@tobedtoMNandfart yeah I think you’re right, it’s a cleaner or nothing. I don’t want to eventually start to dislike him because of this

OP posts:

Original poster

Silverblues · 01/07/2019 17:26

Like I said, it’s not that he expects women or anyone to do it, I think if she or I didn’t do it he would just eventually suffocate in a rising pile of mess. He just doesn’t see it or care about it, it’s incomprehensible to me

OP posts:

Original poster

Silverblues · 01/07/2019 17:27

He will occasionally do a big clean/tidy then express surprise that it doesn’t stay like that for more than a day

OP posts:

Pearlfish · 01/07/2019 17:28

Yep - it's a cleaner or nothing. Stop doing it all OP or he's got no incentive to agree to a cleaner.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/07/2019 17:28

I think if she or I didn’t do it he would just eventually suffocate in a rising pile of mess.

I think you should put that to the test.

gamerchick · 01/07/2019 17:29

Why do you have to live together? I'd be getting my own pad me and just visit.

Original poster

Silverblues · 01/07/2019 17:29

@MrsTerryPratchett yeah it would have to be while I’m away as I couldn’t be around to watch

OP posts:

Duchessgummybuns · 01/07/2019 17:30

I don’t buy these blokes that “don’t see” the mess they create. They pretend not to see it, knowing their partner (or mum!) will clean up after them. Manchildren at their best.

Original poster

Silverblues · 01/07/2019 17:31

@gamerchick yes it’s the other option, it’s just expensive running two homes when one of them is empty a lot, but it’s certainly how things are staying for now

OP posts:

Annabel7 · 01/07/2019 17:34

Cleaner or break up. Seriously, his mum comes round to clean. Think about it...

tobedtoMNandfart · 01/07/2019 17:37

You do have a third option actually. You can move in, give up work, have kids, be a SAHM, do all tidying, washing & cleaning while he works his balls off to support you all ... but this would have to be something you both agree that you are happy to do. (I have done this so no judgement intended in this scenario).

Frankly I would steer clear of stepping straight into his Mum's role. Ugh! As PP said - deeply unsexy.

GrandmasNightie · 01/07/2019 17:37

So what solutions has your dp offered to this problem? Or is the choice currently to live in mess or to tidy up yourself? What compromise is he offering?

AlwaysCheddar · 01/07/2019 17:38

Clean break!!

DrinkTaboo · 01/07/2019 17:41

OP, fact is this, you both want to live together, so make it a term from the get-go. Say you will only move in if he agrees to a cleaner.

It's not going to be only his home anymore, it will be both of yours. You both need to treat it as both yours when you move in, not end up feeling like a sodding guest, in what will be your home too.

madcatladyforever · 01/07/2019 17:45

So you have a new career as an unpaid maid now OP.

I hope you have some self respect and stop doing this now, and also don't move in.

Everyone on mumsnet except you can see where this is go:

You will work and clean and cook
You alone will look after the kids.
He will treat you like a servant and you wil get nothing back.

Original poster

Silverblues · 01/07/2019 17:51

@tobedtoMNandfart yeah you’re right! I actually wouldn’t mind being a SAHM or just look after the house as I love cooking and gardening and decorating so would be pretty happy if I didn’t have a job! I could suggest it, he earns enough for that to be possible. I own my place (would rent it out) so I’d still have that if it went tits up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Silverblues · 01/07/2019 17:52

@DrinkTaboo you’re right, it does need to feel like our home not just his

OP posts:

Stefoscope · 01/07/2019 18:35

In my experience it does cause resentment after a while. My DP is very untidy and won't even tidy up if his mum or whoever is coming to visit. Maybe in your situation, you could reach a compromise by giving him his own room/space which he can keep as messy as he wants. If you're prepared to be a SAHM and do the lion's share of the cleaning, I would set ground rules that the living room and kitchen must be at least picked up and free of his shit. There's nothing more soul destroying than constantly having to pick and and clean after someone.

tobedtoMNandfart · 01/07/2019 20:35

@Stefoscope I agree. I've actually got quite a lot of patience for it unless I'm outnumbered by people wantonly messing the place up unnecessarily.

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