Is it anxiety or just an annoying kid?

[sturdywiththewordyshakespear]

My 13yo DD's oldest friend (since nursery) was diagnosed with anxiety in y4. I totally agree that we need to talk about mental illness and it's so important to listen to kids but she is such a pain in the arse I'm wondering if she's just smart, annoying and got everyone wrapped round her little fingers. She's really mean to my DD but if my DD tries to hang out with anyone else she says they can't exclude her because she has anxiety. She told another old friend that her therapist has diagnosed her with 'selective hearing' which means that she physically can't hear 'boring' voices (eyeroll) and so if they speak to her she just won't hear them - she continually makes plans and cancels them at short notice - and has to takeover any joint project. She's got the hide of a rhino but if anyone disagrees with her she freaks out about her mental health issues, and her newly 'diagnosed' low self esteem. A bit of me thinks she'll probably be PM one day but my daughter and her friends often come back in tears about it. So, should I just leave it to come out in the wash, should I have a word with her mum/the school? My DD and her friends are very nervous of saying anything to school in case she starts excluding them. It's been going on for two years now slowing building up and seems to me to be not cool anymore but y'know, AIBU to think it's way off or am I being unfair and unkind to a kid with anxiety. Any thoughts??

If you'd said slightly older, I would have sworn you were talking about my DD's 'friend'. . .

My priority is my child's wellbeing. When I had my daughter in the worst state I have ever seen her, hyperventilating and in tears, beyond words, at 10.30pm at night, because her 'friend' had busted up with her boyfriend (again), and was in hysterics - her father having handed her 'friend' the phone so he could palm the histrionics off onto my daughter - that's when firm and clear limits were put in place as to this 'friend' and how much she could impose on my daughter. To my daughter's very great relief.

Perhaps the best way to deal with this is along the lines of teaching your DD that whatever someone's MH issues it's important that we have personal boundaries.

Help her to understand what her personal boundaries are in relation to friendships.

Teach her that even if someone breaches those personal boundaries because they are ill it's still okay for her to pull back as long as she isn't mean about it.

...and also that she can't fix someone's MH issues and shouldn't expect herself to.

@wheresmymojo - you put that a lot more coherently and succinctly than I did!

Yadnbu
You just described my dsis she's been like this since we were teenagers now decades on I'm the cruel insensitive bitch as I went NC best thing I've ever done

Your dd can be friends with who she likes. Does she want to be this girls friend?

I definitely wouldn't say anything to the mum - that way madness lies.

Ideally, you would discuss it with your daughter as per Mojo's very wise suggestion and help her to decide how much she wants to be involved with this friend and what she will do if things escalate.

Then, I might be tempted to approach the school just to let them know what's been going on and to tell them that you have spoken to your daughter and that you would appreciate their support if this other child tries to get your daughter into trouble/exclude her/make her life difficult so that they at least know that it is a long term issue and that there is more to it than just a fallout between them.

I’d talk to your daughter first but then I’d definitely be talking to the other girls mum!

There is a statement sometimes posted by mnhq which is also good advice for real life.

I'm paraphrasing probably

But

Never to give more of yourself in any way than you can genuinely afford to, be that financially, time or emotionally.

That's a good lesson to teach your dd ASAP, especially when girls and women are so heavily socialised to be "nice" and prioritise the needs of others over our own.

It's difficult, I had a similar situation with my dd around the same age except the "friend"s DX was depression with threats to self harm. Awful.

I found out the hard way trying to "ban" dd from being friends with the girl didn't work, much as I wished it would. Several times I'd had "words" with the mother too because I too felt she was palming her responsibilities onto dd.

Eventually I took the tack of building dds confidence in saying "no" and setting her own boundaries so that dds mental health wasn't being as affected.

But I must admit I was glad and so relieved when there was finally a big bust up which the other girl couldn't excuse on her mh (they were a tight little group of girls that were friends and she stole something sentimentally precious from one and damaged it). Pure vindictiveness done out of temper and that was that she was out!

Dd sees her about sometimes but they're no longer friends and she has properly gone off the rails since.

So yea, support dd, have lots of discussion about boundaries and looking after her own wellbeing as a priority and keep lines of communication really open.

In my case school were bloody useless as it suited them for dd and the group to "manage" her and keep her calm and relatively well behaved. That still pisses me off!

But every school is different.

She can have anxiety AND show totally unrelated horrible behaviours.

My 'best friend' was like this at school, and made my life a bit of a misery until she finally moved away. My mum always said I had to include her as she was lonely, and as our mums were best friends.
If it ever happens to my DCs, I'd certainly be.cutting the connection. As a mum to one ds with additional needs, I do see that he is harder work as a friend than his brothers - I do what I can to help him and them, but would also be sad but understanding if the parents of other children brought up concerns with me, or even if they preferred to encourage other friendships.

I think you should have a word with the mum, your dd has to come first for you.

I thought you might be talking about a friend my dd knows. She does things like check my dd's phone and if her picture is not the lock screen, she cries 'oh, you're bullying me', it's most peculiar behaviour.
I'm torn when it comes to my daughter, in that i don't want her to be manipulated by this girl, but equally, i feel sorry for her, as she clearly has some issues and I don't want my dd to exclude her.

It's really hard to know how best to help your dc in these situations, but I've just had another conversation with my dd about appropriate boundaries and how sometimes it's easier to draw the line above where the actual boundary would be, so that the difficult conversation is avoided.
For example, they (my dd and her manipulative friend) were playing some sort of dare game, and a line was crossed where my dd felt uncomfortable. I explained that sometimes it's easier with this type of person (who doesn't seem to have any empathy or social awareness of how she's making others feel), that not playing this type of game at all would be safer than trying to implement a boundary halfway through.

So would something like this help your dd? Perhaps not getting so involved with this girls plans in the first place, whilst still maintaining some sort of friendship?

Thank you so much mumsnet. It's my first post and you've all made me feel a million times better. I'll try out some of those cracking ideas. The problem I probably didn't make clear is, yes, my DD does want to stay friends with her and feels very cut up but I'll talk to her about boundaries and I'll think about talking to mum. THANK YOU!!