I have a problem which I think really holds me back, though I manage fine with it and actively look for ways to overcome it.
I'm 30, with a 1 year old DC. I did fairly well academically and worked for our family business before working my way up from the bottom in a competitive industry to run my own team, reporting to a very senior manager. For various reasons I've decided not to return after maternity and an starting my own business. I've been successful in a sport and have a small circle of friends and I hope a happy marriage.
On the one hand, I think my self esteem is pretty good. I think I've achieved a lot (although I think I could have done and could do so much more still). I think I'm reasonably intelligent and a good parent, wife and friend in many ways. I am confident in my decisions although I do take a little while to make them not because I am indecisive but because I want to be sure I fully understand the matters at hand. On a "good" day I think my social skills are there and I'm confident and outgoing. I'm quite happy with the way I look etc
The problem is that sometimes I get stuck in the delivery and feel like everyone thinks I'm an idiot. I can be awkward and self conscious and I think I mirror what I think people think of me. It's a bit like imposter syndrome except I don't feel like an imposter initially, only that I find myself actualising my perceptions that other people think I am. For example, I might feel ridiculous leading a workshop because I think that my team are thinking "look at her trying to be a boss and thinking she is being an engaging teacher when she isn't" which inhibits me and makes it a self fulfilling prophecy.
This is so serious that I feel silly interacting with children because I feel they will think I'm not funny or interesting enough. I worry my own DC finds me not good enough! I've even felt embarrassed interviewing people who want to work for me as I perceive they will be wondering how on Earth I got into this position. Yet, objectively, I think I was or at least had potential to be a good manager.
I read self help books and on paper I know what to do so when i have seen a counsellor they've consider me "cured" when the problem for me is in the actual action of it, if that makes sense.
I don't overthink this often, I just get on with things, but on reflection I do believe this problem holds me back hugely and I want to change it for my DC as I think being a confident role model is so important for them.
Help!