To be upset that dps family excludes me

[xmasbaba2014]

Dp and I have been together a year and a half. It's a same sex relationship which her parents and siblings don't really support, it's more her parents really, her mum to be precise. I never get invited to family events or occasions. They're all having a night away next month, all other partners invited except me. Dp had originally said she wasnt going. Now shes wavering, I get the impression shes being pressured/quilted into it. Aib for being upset that she doesn't stand up for me/our relationship by either inviting me or telling them she wont attend without me? Her mother already has huge control over her (emotional abuse/manipulation) She lives with her parents so is in a difficult position but I'm quite hurt that it's still going on at this stage.

I think anyone would be upset in that position. YANBU however, until she moves out or realises that her mum is controlling nothing can be done.

Is it because it’s a same sex relationship that her mother/family can’t accept you?
I think this is something you can’t force her to address and would be extremely difficult for her to cope with as she is relying on them for housing. If they’re as bad as some parents she would need to be prepared to be made homeless.
I think you’re not wrong at all, what they’re doing to you and her is terrible. But I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s her fault. I couldn’t imagine being such a terrible parent that I felt it was okay to be homophobic to my own child.
I wouldn’t know what her next step is because ideally she needs independence from them so she can address it and say they need to accept her for who she is.

It seems that her parents don't accept her sexuality, and unless that changes ( highly unlikely after this amount of time) it's the best option for her to move out and start living her life. You can't personally change this situation - you need to have a talk to your partner and see what can and can't change. The fact that she is still living with her disapproving parents means that - in some ways - she is accepting their attitudes. If that isn't going to change you might have to accept that this relationship isn't going anywhere.

Thanks, I was really hoping I wasnt coming across as controlling because its genuinely not that. I don't care if she goes out with her friends without me or family if it's just the siblings with no partners. It's just when I'm the only one excluded its horrible. She can't address it properly until she moves out but she wont move out either. It's like shes institutionalized or something. Her husband was violent and abusive so she was used to that for years and she moved back to her mum who isn't much better.

Is it ok to tell her how I feel, if she brings it up and I say "Actually I'd be really hurt if you were to go and let your family think this is acceptable behaviour "; is that ok or am I just putting pressure on her and basically doing exactly the same as her mum does?

I think it would be a good idea to tell your DP how you feel. By going along with her family's refusal to accept you, she is basically telling them that she's ok with their behaviour. This will lead to you being excluded from every other family event, as her DM will know that she can get away with it. Her DM may never accept her DD's sexuality, but that doesn't mean that your DP has to go along with it. The way I see it, certain actions have consequences. The consequence of deliberately excluding my long term partner would be me not attending the event.

Mils can be hard work regardless, been with mine ten years last year Mil and sil invited dp to a concert, didn't bother asking me, dp said no, haha!

See if they were inviting her to stuff alone and she was saying no it wouldn't bother me so much. If they have an issue with the relationship (and I can only assume is because it's a same sex relationship, no one has ever given her an explanation) then that's their problem. I don't need their approval or for them to be happy for us. What I need is to feel like we're both on the same side.

I would sit your DP down and explain that you see a future with her and would like it if she would stand by you and not attend. Maybe if her DM realises that not inviting you means her DD doesn't go either, she may suck it up and invite you both. Don't let it cause an argument, ask if you can talk about something that has upset you but you don't want to fight over it.

My friend had this problem for years, her Mother was openly homophobic and wouldn't invite her daughter's GF to any family events. It wasn't until my friend said it was both of them or none of them that her DM invited them both. Now her DM and DP are great friends and she wishes she'd put her foot down sooner.

YANBU that's very hurtful for you but probably even more so for your DP I would imagine. Agree with others that she needs to move out and take back control of her life

I think YABU but I think her family are also BU.
You're both trying to make her pick one over the other and it's not fair.

I think you need to put your feelings to one side and be more supportive of her.

If you were to split up, it's her family she'd turn to for support. You can't expect her to pick you over them.