To not want to do all the hard work again 😢

[Spoolie]

Posting here because I can’t sleep and I just feel so alone right now and I’ve been mulling over things over and over again, I can’t talk to anyone about this because my friends don’t know and my family treat this like it’s a dirty little secret. About 8 years ago I was sexually assaulted and it ruined my life for years. I did report it but despite me having serious enough injuries I needed A&E treatment the cps decided there was not enough evidence to take it forward and I just never got any closure. I tried to forget about it and denied that it had happened to an extent that I ended up severely depressed and with crippling anxiety. I needed up taking an overdose and it was a bit of a wake up call.

Went to my GP after I was discharged from hospital and eventually got diagnosed with PTSD and depression. I was on all different types of medication trying then we finally found one that worked and I’ve been on paroxetine ever since.

I was referred for CBT on the NHS and I self referred through rape crisis and did a couple of years of therapy and I managed to get myself in a really good place. It wasn’t my every waking thought and I wasn’t terrified all the time. I started to move on and I felt better than I had in so so long.

But recently I’ve been horrendously anxious, it just started overnight for no reason and since then Ive been having panic attacks, have been calling sick in to work because the dread is just too much, I’ve been having vivid nightmares of what happened, even down to details that I don’t remember remembering iyswim? New stuff on top of all the old things that used to torture me. It’s like it’s only just happened again, if I smell a certain aftershave it makes me physically sick. I haven’t been able to go out at night because I’m terrified I’m going to get hurt again. I am so so so sick of this and it just seems so unfair when I’ve tried so hard to put this behind me and I’ve worked so hard.

I went back to my GP who is so lovely and supportive and she suggested I potentially try another medication, and that she can refer me for more CBT or I can self refer as it might be quicker. I’m just so terrified I’m going to go back to the place I was in all those years ago but at the same time I’m furious that this is happening again. I just don’t know what to do. Why do I have to keep going through this hell while he’s probably living his life as of nothing ever happened. This is never really going to stop is it?? It’s just going to be better or worse shades of bearable.

Sorry I just realised the title needs a trigger warning and I don’t know how to do that.

My sympathy is with you OP. You are NOT a victim you are a survivor. Do not let the devil steal your joy! Have you thought about enrolling in self defense classes? Do you have any close friends or family members to talk to? Hold your head up dear you are stronger than you know!

OP, you really need to give yourself more credit. You have been through a horrible thing, you don't just get over it.

You have come so far, even if it does not feel like it. You are so strong, yes I'm sure you don't feel it. Truth is, being strong is not being all smiles and happy. It's being able to look at yourself and say I have been through this shit and I'm still here.

Your family is wrong to treat it like a dirty little secret, how unhelpful. It's not your fault it happened and acting like it never happened is not helpful or healthy.

You found what helped you before and that in itself is such a achievement, don't feel like you're going to have to do all the hard work again. Overcoming something like this is not a one time thing, you can feel like you have moved past it and then BAM, it hits again, flash backs, new details that you blocked out and that's normal! Sometimes it can be years and years later.

Do what you need for you and be proud of yourself OP, you have come so far, you just don't see it right now.

The thing about sexual assault OP is that it’s changes your life. A bit like how the waves of grief hit people, sometimes feeling like a tsunami, the same happens with trauma.

What I know already from reading your words is what happened to you isn’t fair and you are so strong and capable. There will be moments it feels too much and in those moments it may be overwhelming. But there will be moments, days, weeks, where it won’t feel this way and you have to hold
on tight remembering the storm will calm.

Sometimes we are triggered by things we aren’t even aware of. Sometimes it’s the months, people, situations, tv programmes. Thing about a few things you can do that will make you feel calmer - a walk, a cup of tea, glass of water, a coffee store and focus on that. Add in some of these good things every day. Remember how good it felt when you were in a better place. And take each day one day at a time. Slowly they begin to get better and yes there will be times it feels overwhelming again and you are pulled in that direction, but eventually you will find those times last for a shorter season and you don’t crash as hard.

It is dreadfully unfair, you didn’t deserve this and I’m sure everyone reading this is rooting for you!

I'm sorry you're feeling so low tonight OP and can only endorse the wise words above. Often it's when we feel at our lowest and worst that we are being at our strongest and most brave..

I know for myself that the wee small hours are the very worst, when you can't get to sleep and everything just seems overwhelming. Try and take comfort from the fact that all over the country there are plenty of us awake, and you are not as on your own as you feel. My mother always used to say to me if you can't sleep then just rest, so try and get settled down nice and comfy, and deal with things tomorrow. I wish you a calm and peaceful night. 💐

EMDR.

The work you did wasn’t in vain. Unfortunately moving forward from trauma can take more than one set of treatment. Healing is a journey. Your family sound unkind and dismissive. This cannot be helping and I do wonder if their attitude or something else has triggered this.

I'd really recommend EMDR therapy too. it was the one thing that helped my dh after a car crash. specifically recommended for traumatic events.

Oh, OP. I’m so sorry.

The only advice I can give you is that while it’s possible that you will feel periods of deep anxiety and trauma throughout your life, every single time it happens you will come to it with better tools. You’ve already survived the experience itself and PTSD from that - that is the hardest thing in the world. And now you’re experiencing trauma again, but you have all the tools you learned to use last time, and you will gain more through this experience too.

It’s not fair that you might have to keep facing the repercussions of this awful thing that happened to you, but you have already survived the worst part of it and now you’re stronger and more capable than ever. You will get through this, you will be happy again.

EMDR - the gold standard treatment for trauma and ptsd - should be available to you on the NHS. Ask the GP (or possibly a different one) to refer you for this specifically.

Ho horrific for you. And I’m so sorry you feel so isolated in this. Your family are unfair to treat it like a dirty secret. I’ve had anxiety for my whole life and found CBT only worked as a bandaid for me. In the end years later the anxiety came back 10x worse. I did intense psychodynamic therapy and it helped a huge amount. I still get anxiety but it’s less crippling. So my suggestion is that medication and CBT help manage the symptoms but I think more in-depth therapy might be what you need. Also do you have a friend to confide in? You don’t have to tell everyone, but when good true friends know your whole story it will definitely help. Best of luck, sending you a big virtual hug x

My instant reaction was like a lot of PPs - EMDR. My son has had CBT and EMDR delivered by the same person - it was magical to watch how it worked. You already know there are no easy fixes and some people will simply never understand. But you are so worth it. Take care.

Sorry just re-read your title. I understand it’s so hard to do the work only to feel like you are back to where you started. That’s why I mentioned CBT didn’t work for me in the long term. I was constantly working so hard just to try and look normal and act normal. I’m in Australia and kept seeing different therapists until I found the right one. We have government help with therapy, I hope you can access something similar. It’s so unfair that this awful thing happened to you and you are suffering so much, even after all this time. It’s not fair. It’s bullshit. But the alternative is to let this rule your life. Ruin your life. The strength you have already used can be seen in the work you have already done and is a testament that you can do it again. You can do it. It will be hard and confronting. It will suck and it’s completely unfair that you are in this position. But this is where your life finds you. Many other people who have experienced this gave up long before you. You’ve faught so hard to get this far and you just have to keep fighting. It will make you the most courageous person
And please. Tell a friend x