Hi everyone,
I wonder if anyone can relate to the sense of feeling like a failure and if anyone had managed to overcome it themselves? Sorry that it's a bit long...
My story: I've always been a bit of a high achiever, but after graduating from uni 10+ years ago I took what turned out to be a dead-end job in a large local company. Although dead-end for me, opportunities were there for progression. I applied several times for roles that represented that next step up, but despite having interviews, I was never offered a job.
I took this as a sign that the field I was in wasn't really for me, and so I left to go back to uni to re-train in something I thought was much more "me", in healthcare as it turns out.
Although it was hard work, I managed to get a first in my course, and even better, managed to secure an entry level Band 5 NHS position, at a good hospital about an hour's commute away, before I had even graduated.
Starting that new job was where things started to go wrong. The team I joined initially left me feeling incompetent. I was shouted at, had tasks taken away from me, and was told I didn't demonstrate that I "got it". My confidence fell through the floor and I thought I'd made a massive mistake. I was on antidepressants for a time to help me to deal with it.
Fortunately, once I transferred over to the next team, things improved. I put it down to a bad experience (especially as I learnt about others who had similar issues to me in that first team).
It took my confidence a while to build back up again, and even now, I'm left with niggling doubts about myself whenever I transfer over to a new team (I rotate to a new team every 6 months). I often feel anxious I will be "found out", that my initial team were right about me after all.
Fast forward to now and I've just started work in a new hospital much closer to home. I was keen to cut down my commute and get a better work/life balance. The downside is that the job is still at the entry level Band 5 grade, as it was the only job going at the time. Many of my peers from my training course are now starting to attain the "next step" Band 6 positions, and with it greater responsibility (and to me: greater faith in their ability). One of my friends from my old job started to look for new jobs himself after I told him I was leaving, and has now managed to secure himself a Band 6 post despite having qualified after me.
This is where the sense of failure kicks in. Having been so looking forward to starting my new career, I feel my initial experiences have held me back, and I still have doubts about myself and my own ability to do the job. I fear being stuck at the entry level grade forever, the same way I was stuck in my first career. What also doesn't help is the feeling of being the last of my peers to achieve that step up. I want to feel good at something, that I can achieve things, and in the timescale I want, rather than feeling "oh I might get there eventually".
Thanks for reading if you've got this far. Can anyone relate?