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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling like a failure

6 replies

SouthCoastGuy · 01/07/2019 01:31

Hi everyone,

I wonder if anyone can relate to the sense of feeling like a failure and if anyone had managed to overcome it themselves? Sorry that it's a bit long...

My story: I've always been a bit of a high achiever, but after graduating from uni 10+ years ago I took what turned out to be a dead-end job in a large local company. Although dead-end for me, opportunities were there for progression. I applied several times for roles that represented that next step up, but despite having interviews, I was never offered a job.

I took this as a sign that the field I was in wasn't really for me, and so I left to go back to uni to re-train in something I thought was much more "me", in healthcare as it turns out.

Although it was hard work, I managed to get a first in my course, and even better, managed to secure an entry level Band 5 NHS position, at a good hospital about an hour's commute away, before I had even graduated.

Starting that new job was where things started to go wrong. The team I joined initially left me feeling incompetent. I was shouted at, had tasks taken away from me, and was told I didn't demonstrate that I "got it". My confidence fell through the floor and I thought I'd made a massive mistake. I was on antidepressants for a time to help me to deal with it.

Fortunately, once I transferred over to the next team, things improved. I put it down to a bad experience (especially as I learnt about others who had similar issues to me in that first team).

It took my confidence a while to build back up again, and even now, I'm left with niggling doubts about myself whenever I transfer over to a new team (I rotate to a new team every 6 months). I often feel anxious I will be "found out", that my initial team were right about me after all.

Fast forward to now and I've just started work in a new hospital much closer to home. I was keen to cut down my commute and get a better work/life balance. The downside is that the job is still at the entry level Band 5 grade, as it was the only job going at the time. Many of my peers from my training course are now starting to attain the "next step" Band 6 positions, and with it greater responsibility (and to me: greater faith in their ability). One of my friends from my old job started to look for new jobs himself after I told him I was leaving, and has now managed to secure himself a Band 6 post despite having qualified after me.

This is where the sense of failure kicks in. Having been so looking forward to starting my new career, I feel my initial experiences have held me back, and I still have doubts about myself and my own ability to do the job. I fear being stuck at the entry level grade forever, the same way I was stuck in my first career. What also doesn't help is the feeling of being the last of my peers to achieve that step up. I want to feel good at something, that I can achieve things, and in the timescale I want, rather than feeling "oh I might get there eventually".

Thanks for reading if you've got this far. Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
Mediumred · 01/07/2019 02:08

Hi, I think you need to be much kinder to yourself. You acknowledge that many people had issues with your first team and you had the mental strength and resourcefulness to move on and flourish after such an experience.

You have taken this band five job for the very sensible reason of being nearer home and it was what was available at the time, once you are in situ you can look at moving up, but really don’t worry about your peers, what do they say ‘comparison is the theft of joy’? just enjoy your new post, look for openings, focus on doing the best you can and be happy for peers when something nice happens to them, so much of workplace progression is being ‘right place, right time’ - haha we all have bosses that we wonder how they got promoted! - and your time will come, you sound an intelligent, committed, thoughtful person who would be an asset to any organisation.

Good luck!

Orangeballon · 01/07/2019 02:09

You wanted to work nearer home so you sacrificed advancement. Lots of people have this feeling that they are going to be found out one day. It is fairly natural. I feel that you need to develop some confidence in yourself and your abilities. Confidence shows through and is is essential for progression in your career. I pretended I was confident for many years and strangely, people believed I was a very confident person. Many people go through life pretending.

RighteousSista · 01/07/2019 02:56

Yep comparison is the thief of joy!. Good on you reducing the commute. You might find that if you can disengage from the tyranny of hierarchy and go with the flow that your confidence will soa r!

1cecreamFreezer274 · 01/07/2019 03:13

You have a good job & I presume you are able to pay your bills.
You have successfully moved jobs to be nearer to home
All good so far

Do you have appraisals at work where you receive feedback ?
Can you specialize into a specific new job ?

Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy outside work ?

It sounds like you need something to enjoy

SouthCoastGuy · 01/07/2019 20:24

Thanks for your responses! I know much of career advancement is being in the right place at the right time. I am quite hard on myself and tend to take the knock backs personally whilst finding it hard to appreciate the positives. I think it's a feeling of expecting more from myself than I'm objectively showing.

Re: hobbies and things; my social life has dried up quite a bit since I finished uni the second time. I'm in a career where a lot of the people I work with are a fair bit younger than me. I'd love to make a load of new friends and have a more active social life, but I find that at my age (mid 30s) a lot of people are settled down and don't have much time or impetus for making new friends

OP posts:
1cecreamFreezer274 · 01/07/2019 20:33

You have to make an effort. Find out if there are any clubs that you can join at work. Or look outside work
A friend gave me good advice, try something, if you don't like it, try something else

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