To never have been so angry with dh ever

[MsDevine89]

Dh and I work in interconnecting organisations. His is seen as sligjtly more "professional" than mine but i have worked hard to become one of the senior managers and dedicate alot of my time to work. He works his contract hours and does no extra time.

Tonight his brother asked if i could transfer to dh area as a manager would i...and dh said basically i wouldnt get the job because i dont have the nasic product knowledge of the role.

Now AIBU to think that a good manager is capable of picking up the relevant product knowledge of a LINKED organisation or industry? That maybe the only reason this dept has had internal promotion previously is because noone external wanted to go for it?
Basially i feel very annoyed with dh that i have worked so hard in my industry to get where i am and hes basically saying i wouldnt be considered in his department for a role where my skills are trasferable. I feel a bit like whats the point in working so hard with young kids when my husband even doesnt have faith in me. Am I over reacting ppease help

Good Lord, what exactly are you upset about?

If random people in the government cabinet can be shuffled from foreign to home and straight white men can be given the post of minister for LGBT etc, etc. I am damn sure you could very quickly get up to speed in a different department.

Hmm. Overall, YANBU. Does he do this often? Sounds like my gaslighty ex a bit. Put-downs that could always be defended by him as "just speaking the truth" but were clearly, in retrospect, designed to erode my confidence or annoy me, because in happier years he wouldn't have ever said such things. Keep a diary.

On the face of it I'm a bit confused why this upset you so much, but it sounds like there's been other stuff rumbling on. What kind of mean stuff does he say in arguments?

Feeling disappointed your partner isn't supporting you when you need it is understandable.

Everything BackForGood said including that the worse manager I ever had was someone who moved from a similar sector. Their lack of specific knowledge meant the team had to carry them and we lost two key staff in less than a year. So, I agree with your DH on the importance of sector/product knowledge.
I also think he may have extrapolated further and he didn't want you to become his manager. Since your relationship is already fragile. I think he's right to be wary of any suggestion of working together too.

I think the context of the conversation is more important than the actual conversation

You said that you are feeling unsupported by DH recently and a bit ‘run-over’ in any conversations you have about tricky subjects. I think you need to sit down and talk with him about those feelings and not focus on the specifics of this particular conversation

Is he threatened by your success? Sounds like it. I wouldn’t let it worry you. You sound like you’re doing very well in your career and shouldn’t let his subjective opinions rattle you. Unless he is actively involved in recruitment for his company then he probably has no clue about their procedures. Plenty of senior managers change department or industry all the time.

he’s threatened by you and wants to keep you where you are
...is also how I read it.

-He could be right, you might not have the required product knowledge
-He might want to put you off ever working for his company because even in the happiest relationship that can be a bit much
-It was a purely hypothetical conversation with his brother

In a happy relationship YWNBU to be marginally annoyed but you would definitely be overreacting to be at ‘never been so angry ever’. It sounds like there is more going on, does he have form not supporting you and being threatened by your success? By the sound of it this conversation isn’t really the problem.

It's a job.

Insurance and banking are very different, in some industries product info is all. You are being unreasonable.

Not knowing what connected areas you both work in, it’s impossible to know whether your skills are tranferrable. He could be right and there are nuances and details of his work that would make it difficult for you to switch to that area. You could be right and the two areas are so similar that you could transfer without difficulty. IMO you are both being fairly unreasonable in not accommodating one another’s POV but if I had to come down on one side or another it would be his.

If random people in the government cabinet can be shuffled from foreign to home and straight white men can be given the post of minister for LGBT etc, etc

.....because of course that has always gone so well, hasn't it

OP you are probably just furious because your own dh does not rate your ability. I would be furious too.

It's impossible to know if he has a valid point given the limited info but it is quite definitely an insensitive way to express his point of view.

You also seem bitter about your hard work and overtime. That's a separate issue. As a rule, if you're good at what you do, working extra hours shouldn't be necessary. That's what students do (and learn from). At the same time, working overtime on rare occasions in the times of crisis (and resting well afterwards) is indeed important and recognised. Is it possible that you are irritable because you're close to burnout?

UANBU

Firstly his brother asked YOU if you would want to, not your DH whether you’d get the job.

Secondly, in a hypothetical situation particularly, your DH had NO need to put you down like that. It was unnecessary and nasty.

WE WOULd be having a very serious conversation about that and about why he doesn’t value my skills/ ability. ANd him not answering fo me as if I’m incapable.

Your reaction seems completely disproportionate, and your last comments in your first post (I feel a bit like whats the point in working so hard with young kids when my husband even doesnt have faith in me.) is classic catastrophic thinking.

So I'm assuming that there is something else going on in the background. You will certainly have transferable skills for any post, however if someone has worked in that particular job field for a few years more than you, they may well have more knowledge - now that's not necessary for all jobs, but it might be for some.

I hope you sort the issue out, OP, because your effort will have been worthwhile.

he’s threatened by you and wants to keep you where you are
...is also how I read it.

Another vote for his reaction saying much more about him than about you.

I happen to think that his premise is wrong, that it is relatively easier to acquire technical product knowledge than it is to learn the softer skills that are required to be a really good manager, especially when it matters, for example when the manager is under stress.

People who cling onto their technical knowledge as giving them some edge do not tend to make really good managers.

In such a hypothetical situation, I would wonder why he was being so unpleasant, what he thought to gain by it? Is he feeling the need to put you down to boost himself and, if so, why?

Is he usually a kind, decent person?

Hope you can get it sorted.

YABU, in our place there is no way we would even consider interviewing someone who doesn't already have multiple years of exact experience - we certainly would never consider someone transferring from a different field. We don't hire people at that level to train them, we promote people up to those positions internally or we hire them in from other places where they have been working in the same field. There are all sorts of legal positions that a simple mistake could cost us hugely to consider too.

It’s not necessarily a bad idea to work in separate areas, and I have to say I wondered if you are resentful of your husbands success as you mention your hard work and how his role is more professional.

I remember when I was at uni getting a pure maths degree my (then) DP who was 7 yrs older than me and worked 'in computers' with next to no GCSEs took great glee in telling me

"No matter what degree you get you'll never manage to earn as much as me"

Reader - you can guess what happened next. And he is now an ex.

I agree, it's a way to make himself feel superior over you, the little woman.

Without knowing your DH and his personality it's difficult to say whether HWBU but I totally understand your viewpoint. You work harder, maybe harder than him and he doesn't see/appreciate that.

It depends on whether he has form for this. Does he always tend to think that anything that he does is more difficult or more complicated than what you do? Was there the superior air which basically said that he could do your job but you couldn’t do his?

On the other hand if he was just expressing that he felt your roles were quite different and not particularly transferable that’s different.