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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can you be a "low level" hoarder? And how can I change?

23 replies

MissB83 · 30/06/2019 20:48

I'm starting to suspect that I have a hoarding problem bordering on a neurosis Sad

I have always had problems with loss and also self identity and I think having "stuff" helps me with this. Not valuable stuff, I'm not materialistic. I just like to go out and "stock up" on things... but buy way too much. I first really noticed it when I had DS as I bought him way too many clothes, he's 16 months and he's big but he has clothes up to age 4 and LOTS of them. I think in my brain I panic that I won't have enough for us and end up buying way too much. Equally I tend to buy things to fuel projects which get abandoned as I just don't have the time or the energy.

It's come to a head as I've just moved into a dinky 3 bedroom house which I love but bringing all my stuff into it has been such a stress. I know I have too, too much stuff so I will have to have a major declutter (e.g I have 16 dinner plates! Why?! I've never had more than 6 people over for dinner...). But how to maintain it? I seem to go through a "boom bust" cycle of accumulation and throwing away and frankly I just can't afford it any more either!

I've never thought of myself as a hoarder as I always picture those people with newspapers piled high who can't even get in the kitchen and I'm definitely not like that! But maybe hoarders come in different kinds?

Has anyone dealt with something similar and can offer any advice?

OP posts:
AltasCloud · 30/06/2019 20:55

My MIL is a mild hoarder.

Certain obsessive collections of things, full house, broken stuff she keeps 'just in case'.

But it's not floor to ceiling, you can get in every room and the house is clean. Just very, very, very cluttered.

I help her to have spring cleans bit it's very time consuming.

The more you can go through what you have and donate, sell or throw out, the better. You become less attached. But it's a process.

If you do find it hard to let go of things I'd advise getting professional help, hoarding is a serious mental health issue and usually stems from serious trauma.

Becca19962014 · 30/06/2019 21:06

hoarding is a serious mental health issue

Which may be true but you won't, in my experience, get anything except judgement from the NHS or social services.

You need to seek help privately for this.

My experience with NHS/social services was everything being thrown away in black bin liners and being described as filthy and lazy in reports. Yes according to various sources it is recognised, including the NHS website, but it is not seen as serious enough by services unless life threatening and then all they'll do is bin everything. A lady in my area died after what she had hoarded fell on her and crushed her. In the inquest social services stated she refused all help - not strictly true as I knew her from a support group (not a hoarding one!) years ago when they went in and threw everything away and she was so devastated she ended up in hospital for months. After, like me, she was much much worse.

I know all they offer is rolls of black bin liners and everything being chucked still as they offered me that when I was looking into having a carer.

I'll never ask for help again and cannot afford private.

There's an organisation that offers support and they may be able to help you. I'm not sure of their details. If I find them I'll post them here for you.

AwkwardPaws27 · 30/06/2019 21:17

I'm similar - but more in keeping things that might be useful, I think because I have had times where buying, for example, a replacement kettle was beyond my means. I also had clothes I didn't wear that I couldn't get rid of as I'd spent X amount on them.
I read Marie Kondo.
I think about what I have that I truly appreciate - like an old soft duvet set I love - when I get the urge to impulse buy.
I don't shop as a hobby; I try to only go to shops when I need to replace something.
I donate items I no longer need to charity, it feels easier and less wasteful than binning stuff (I do struggle a bit still with throwing away worn out stuff - but holey socks now go straight in the bin!).
I think about the extra money I've saved and that it is going into my mortgage, securing the roof over my head - and that is more valuable than anything I can buy in the shops.
I think about consumerism and try to reduce my consumption, and recycle.

Becca19962014 · 30/06/2019 21:20

www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/resources/

Was the site I was thinking of.

Outsomnia · 30/06/2019 21:30

Could it be laziness? That is me. hands up.

But it doesn't get too bad really, I know when it is time to have a clear out. And it is just so wonderful when the crap is gone. Takes time though, but I have no emotional attachment to accumulations of shite, or old clothes that no one will wear ever again either etc.

Just need to find time, but usually once a year clearout works wonders.

MotherForkinShirtBalls · 30/06/2019 21:34

AwkwardPaws27, I'm very similar to you. I find it really difficult to throw anything out if there's the slightest chance it could have another life. I have drawers full of torn clothes that I might one day be able to patch up or the fabric might be useful for patching something else. I can't bear to throw out drawings or school work the dc have done. I have charging cables for phones no longer made. We have very little storage in our house so while there's no obvious issue, there's clutter that really stresses me. I can't find the impetus to do anything about clearing out.

My sil is the opposite and lives the most minimal life I can imagine. She throws out half her house in a regular basis. I admire her decisiveness but am horrified by the waste and even she was upset when she realised last year she'd thrown out a momento of her grandmother in one of her purges. That gives me total fear.

Butchyrestingface · 30/06/2019 21:44

I am a mild hoarder, as was my mother. The catalyst was her sudden death, and having to clear out her home in a short space of time. Although I got rid of much of her hoard, there were -- things I couldn’t bear to part with. So I ended up rehoming some of her hoard with my own pile of hoard. Hmm

Sold my home last year and me and my 100 (!) boxes plus furniture decanted to a new temporary address. Knowing that I would likely be moving again within the year, I decided that I really couldn’t face removing 100 boxes of crap again.

So like a PP, I read Marie Kondo. Then I hired a driver with a van to come the next week and take stuff to the tip. In that week I ruthlessly went through my possessions and filled 27 bin sacks for the tip. It was horrendous and I felt emotionally drained.

The beauty of it is, whilst clearing out, I found so many things I didn’t know I had. These were sorted into clearly marked boxes. In the past, I used to go out and buy stuff because I either didn’t know that I already had three copies of the same thing at home, or knew they were there but not where.

SummerWhisper · 30/06/2019 22:45

MissB83 I think you are a collector, rather than a hoarder. If you can let go of your things, you are not a hoarder. Read Stuff: compulsive hoarding and the meaning of things by Randy Frost or look at his YouTube videos. You might be collecting out of a fear of past poverty or neglect...? Good luck with re-organising your home and possessions. Be patient with yourself. Reward yourself by doing something relaxing (watch TV, nice bath etc.) once you have started to make progress and have a plan / goal for each room. Flowers

Jemima232 · 30/06/2019 22:49

Yes, but why keep crap you don't need?

There's a difference between buying stuff you might use and keeping old newspapers and bits of cardboard.

AwkwardPaws27 · 01/07/2019 10:24

There's a difference between buying stuff you might use and keeping old newspapers and bits of cardboard.

I did some mental health work early in my career and met a few hoarders. Only the elderly ones seemed to collect newspapers and keep actual rubbish - I think possibly an impact of the wartime mindset of reusing as much as possible and not wasting anything? Those people would have been children or teenagerz during WWII.
The working age adult hoarders I met tended to hoard collections of things; things that could be useful or have value, but they were unable to use them (or use the rooms of their home as intended) due to sheer volume. Things like multiples of electronics (five or six brand new, boxed microwaves, for example - useful items with a value, but no need to have that many!).

Becca19962014 · 01/07/2019 15:18

I'm not elderly but have issues with newspapers, magazines and cardboard.

Being reliant on (unreliable) benefits and Drs/services (equally unreliable in this area). I can't afford to be buying new things all the time, and, growing up our household was one of use it until it's literally threadbare and even then there's probably a use for it.

AwkwardPaws27 · 01/07/2019 15:37

That's interesting Becca - I hope you have support from family / friends, I'm sorry your social services experience was unhelpful.
I guess my point was more, it's still hoarding even if it's perceived to be useful stuff - if it interferes with your daily life and means you can't use your home as intended. Microwaves or cardboard boxes, it's not the stuff you keep necessarily, but how it impacts your life.

Chouetted · 01/07/2019 15:40

I'm not sure having 16 dinner plates is equal to having 5 microwaves - Assuming they're matching, I would suggest putting some away safely somewhere so that when you break a plate you have a replacement that matches the rest.

Of course, if you're not bothered by mismatching dinner sets, disregard all the above.

Becca19962014 · 01/07/2019 16:38

No support at all.

Becca19962014 · 01/07/2019 16:39

Sorry that was blunt. Not having the best of times right now.

mindproject · 01/07/2019 16:44

I think I am. I hang on to stuff because I keep thinking I'm going to sell stuff on ebay/carboot, but then I never get round to it. I keep telling myself if I lose my job I will be glad I kept it as I can make some money from it all. But in the meantime our attic is full and there is a lot of stuff in the rest of the house. I am a full-on collector. I don't save crap things though, broken stuff and shabby stuff goes in the bin. I also have everything organised and stored well, we have lots and lots of storage space. It's not really a problem, unless I ever want to move house. I think I could easily fill 200 boxes, probably more.

AbbieLexie · 01/07/2019 17:00

I have mounds of stuff here - lots of it might be useful. If I can't find it then I bought another. Often would buy 2 of the same item as it would be so useful. We had various relatives belongings decanted here which I couldn't bear to clear out initially. I understand why I stock up especially with food. Our 'larder' is nicknamed the nuclear bunker. The boxed / bagged belongings are rather oppressive to live with ie climbing over or squeezing past boxes to reach bed at night. The curtains in the living room were shut with a shepherd's crook. It does affect your sense of well-being.
About 3 years ago I started to begin decluttering. Linen cupboard - how many sets of bedding and towels do we really need! Why don't I use it? Bags off to the charity shop. Clothes - I've put on quite a bit of weight so started with anything size 10 out. Reality is I'm never going to be that thin again. When I felt ready back over again and the size 12's out. Partner cleared out his clothes and shoes when he saw the difference I was making. If we buy anything now something needs to go the charity shop. We have a daily declutter challenge of 2 items daily sometimes that is just 2 bits of paper but usually more. There are some threads on here which I read / lurk on and I find them incredible supportive and encouraging.

AwkwardPaws27 · 01/07/2019 17:56

AbbieLexie I really admire you determination, especially with clothes! I currently have a large box in the spare room of stuff I couldn't bring myself to donate, but hadn't worn for a year - I'm psyching myself up to donate it. I think, with clothes, I struggle more as occasionally I remember stuff I decluttered and regret it - but the reality was it never fit right / was unflattering / too small etc. Rosetinted glasses I think!

Figmentofmyimagination · 01/07/2019 18:06

I’ve got a huge sylvanian family collection, including car, boat, caravan, barge, shop, tree house, horse drawn carriage etc. You name it, I’ve got it - taking up an entire wardrobe, ‘ready for the grandchildren’. My DDs don’t even have partners and haven’t even left university yet... Waiting for the occasional afternoon in 15 years time when the dream-girl 4 year old comes to visit.

Figmentofmyimagination · 01/07/2019 18:13

I also have a serious book-buying habit. I think it’s about wanting to prove that I’m intelligent, after my career crashed and burned. I do read a lot of them though. And I love their promise!

Organisedclutter · 02/07/2019 11:06

There’s a difference between compulsive accumulation, and hoarding. (People with hoarding disorder often, but not always, suffer from both)
If you can easily dispose of the items, the issue isn’t hoarding.
Yes, hoarding behaviors can look different. There are scrupulously neat,clean and tidy hoarders, organised hoarders, storage unit hoarders with normal homes but pouring all the family finances into keeping stuff, as well as the stereotypical hoarding situations most of us see as hoarding.

The two truly defining bits of actual hoarding (rather than the appearance) of hoarding, are:

  1. being so deeply attached to large quantities of items as to cause serious damage when trying to get rid of them even when the person wants too. 2)The situation causing serious harm/damage to the individual’s relationships, ability to live, finances etc.

Doesn’t matter if it's clean or dirty, messy or tidy, filling up the home, or packed away in a storage unit. It's about both things above at the same time.

So if you’re rich, or have a large enough home, it’s possible to have a hoarding condition without it being a problem. If you have less money, or a small home, it’s going to become a problem.

Emotional attached to some stuff is normal. Most of us can let things go even if it’s upsetting, if they’re going to cause major problems in our lives, because we value our children, pets and relationships, homes, ability to move freely, or find things, more than the items we’re attached to.

When that get’s out balance, a loving parent can start doing things like not seeing that keeping all their child’s old toys/ clothes/ furniture etc, because they remind of the happiness of their early years, is actually now stopping the same child from being able to develop and play in their middle years.
Or buying things for lives we don’t live, and keeping them unused, instead of developing the lives we’d like to have.
IE the woman who can’t move for beautiful clothes they never wear because they've nowhere to wear them or feel they're wasted on them, or keeping for 'later' by ageing owners.
Or the collecting of large amounts of wool, material, art stuff, etc, but never making anything or using them because they don’t want to ruin them.

Most of us do small bits of this sort of stuff, which isn’t an issue as long as it doesn’t get out of control, for others it takes over homes, finances and lives.

You're on the right track, questioning why and if you need the amount of things, but sometimes what we accumulate indicates how we'd like to be living, so worth thinking about that as well.

You sound like someone collecting against future need - not an issue within reason, and if you can out it after use, (where many come unstuck) and accumulating for the life you want to be leading - a more creative one?

Organisedclutter · 02/07/2019 11:18

Becca really sorry you got treated like that.
Enforced clear outs, 'sneaking stuff out' etc, often make the person's condition so much worse.

Becca19962014 · 02/07/2019 13:30

It did for me and seriously effected my trust in services.

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