Forcing kids to take part in school performances

[glasshalf]

AIBU to not make my children take part in extra performances put on by the school of their shows in the community ?
Our school is great and tries to give the children lots of opportunity, however , my son is 6 and he hates stage stuff , he is quite shy and doesn't like people watching him. He will take part in the stuff at school because he has to but outside school he refuses .

Yesterday we had a village fete and there was a slot for the school to show their summer show on the stage to all the village (probably 300& people there) my son refused and said he didn't like it and it makes him feel sick so I didn't make him but his class teacher was quite off and said "why don't you make him, who is the parent you or him" AIBU to not make him? I feel he shouldn't have to if it doesn't make him feel good and it's not in school?
Thanks

Yanbu. Teacher sounds delightful 🙄

I'm in two minds.
On the one hand I agree with you.
On the other hand getting children to do things slightly out of their comfort zone can be a way of bringing them on.

In your case I'd have encouraged him to do it, and pointed out the audience wouldn't be looking at him, but rather at the main performers / their own child. I'd have bribed. But if adamant, I wouldn't have forced.

@TeenTimesTwo I tried reassuring , I said his friends were there , he could stand behind a friend if he wanted and even id get him ice cream but he was absolutely having none of it . He doesn't even want to do it at school but he does so that's pushing himself out of his comfort zone I feel.

What about all the other children depending on him?

@Becles depending on him? What for? They didn't care who wasn't there the ones who had the confidence to sing in front of 300 people were loving being on stage - the ones who weren't were crying .

My rule generally is they follow the school's rules at school but out of school hours the school are not in charge. Therefore I think the teacher has overstepped and is bang out of order in criticising your parenting.

My dd loves the stage, but hates singing. We don’t even sing happy birthday to her. We now know that this is part of her autism, but we didn’t know that when the following happened.

Every year her school makes the kids do a musical performance. My dd refuses to sing, ever. Most years she just stands there and kind of mouths the words, but this year she was in a serious accident, injured, and in pain and she just couldn’t even fake it. She put her hair in front of her face and refused to practice. The music teacher said if she didn’t participate she would have to do an alternate assignment during rehearsals and the performance. She would have to write a paper. The school called me to tell dd about this upcoming punishment to get her to conform. I told dd and she got the biggest smile on her face. She loves writing papers. Having to sit in the library and write a paper instead of being tortured by being asked to sing was a treat for her. She so gladly marched in and took her punishment.

I might be worried about her, but she can give a speech like a seasoned veteran of the adult speaking circuit.

The teacher was out of line to say that. There was no need for the comment.

I do however agree that he should have taken part. I hated sports. Absolutely hated it, would use to try and come with every excuse under the sun not to do Sports day. But my parents said "in life you have to do things you may not like, but you get it out of the way and it's done"

This has stuck with me. Yes I sucked at sports day and had a face like a smacked arse but I knew I had to do it, I couldn't just say no I don't like it, I'm not doing it.

Is anyone really going to notice the absence of the odd child in this sort of thing? Teacher was out of line to speak to you like that.

No one would notice one child missing , but I'm sure out of the whole class that were up there, guaranteed only a handful were excited to be performing. So there were other children who probably would rather have sat out but didn't.

In school times yes absolutely take part, outside of school then no. It's unecessary to ask children to perform in their downtime.

@Mondayblues7 but would you have taken part at a weekend when it wasn't in school time and it was just a local fete with your parents where the school wanted to show a small part of their show? He hates it but does it at school because I think in life yes they do have to do things they don't like sometimes but I don't feel I should have made him outside school.

@Mondayblues7 cross posts :)

If your son didn't want to do it, I don't see why he should. He's not in school. The teacher's comment was unnecessary. Remind the teacher that you are the parent after all.

In school, yes. Out of school, no.

My son was the same and I didn't force him to perform. The school were generally good & would find him another role such as handing out programs or behind the scenes helping with costumes and props. Perhaps you could ask the school to do the same for your boy so he can at least feel involved?

YANBU. I see it the same way as I do compulsory Sports Day participation. Children should have to join in with regular PE classes, drama classes, and singing activities in school (unless there's a good reason not to, like for Purpleartichoke's DD )

Nobody should have to do anything involving performance in front of an audience if they don't want to.

(And yes, it applies to academics too. You have to participate in English class. You don't have to compete in a spelling bee in front of an audience.)

Surprised the teacher said that and got away with to. that would generate a complaint at my school.
I suppose it depends on whether you were told that this is what the school expects when your son joined.

I’m with @Usuallyinthemiddle, anything out of school hours is your time. You get to decide.

Ds1 was and still is but to a lesser extent extremely shy. When he was 6 I wouldn’t have made him do the weekend show. I did encourage him out of his comfort zone a lot and that included the performances in school which he also hated but did them because he had to. I took him to Birthday parties and stayed when he wanted me to but wouldn’t let him cling to me and hide.

Lots of people think if you are shy you get over it by being forced into situations you don’t like but it’s not that simple. I always encouraged and still do ds out his comfort zone but support him to achieve things rather than force him and make him stressed and anxious about the whole thing.

Poor wee thing. Even at 50, getting up in front of an audience fills me with absolute terror. Being forced into it as a child when you have zero coping mechanisms is just cruel.

I think the school is BU - school shows are bad enough for the doting parents, surely the whole village doesn't want to watch one!

It's really none of the teacher's business what your child does or does not do outside school hours. She had no right to pressurise him and she was very rude and unprofessional towards you. Poor show from her generally.

No you were right not to make him do it !
I was the most painfully shy child ever, I point blank refused to take part in anything performance related from infants and all through till second or third year of secondary school. I’m now an outgoing confident adult, happy to speak in public and at ease in situations others would find uncomfortable to deal with. Your child will get there in his own time and in his own way, just carry on doing what your going and support him in his choices, he’ll be fine.

I'm with @SpinsterOfArts - if it's part of the curriculum in school, you do it, or if possibility of SEN then you get to take part in a different way.

But outside of school, no you shouldn't feel you have to. The teacher doesn't sound like she knows your DS, or if she does, not very sensitive to him.

Beside which there's nothing that says "we're a caring school" than forcing kids to take part whilst crying.... Why the teacher would even contemplate that, I don't know.

If he's having the same teacher next academic year, might be worth having a 5 min meeting with her to discuss her expectations regarding your DS.

Thanks for the replies.
The teacher got away with it because no one else heard and I wasn't about to challenge her in that environment however I will speak to her at school about not suggesting a child shouldn't have a choice in something outside school . I actually feel they shouldn't be made in school if they really don't want to but that's another battle. My son actually said he's scared of that teacher which isn't nice at all and I didn't know till today . Anyway I won't be letting her give comments like that in future I'll prepare my response .