AIBU to ask if I just need to relax about this? DC wanting to stay inside .

[SummerWoes]

It’s a glorious day here . The sun is shining and lots of the neighbourhood children are in the street splashing in pools or riding bikes.

My 9 year old DTs are sat inside on iPads playing Roblox and it makes me feel very guilty.

I have tried to coax them out , even in to the garden but with no luck .

DH is getting annoyed at my need to be outside

They do have ASD and we had a very busy day out at the seaside yesterday.

DH says it’s fine .

I’m looking out of the window longing for my boys to enjoy what the other children are enjoying .

We break up for the summer this week and I know it’s going to be a long battle of getting the boys out to do things.

They don’t enjoy parks or walks or going to the woods.

Any suggestions?

Am I expecting too much ; is a day out then a day in ok or should we be out every day?

Is anyone giving you any support with their anxiety about being outside? Do you have any ideas of what is making them reluctant to be outside? Can you use ear defenders/noise cancelling headphones if noise is an issue? One of mine really struggles with lights so wears sunglasses and/or a hat pretty much permanently.

It is enormously difficult. People saying "oh just make them go out" really don't get it. You could try and force them, although I've never had much success forcing a child with autism to do something they really didn't want to do. But I think a better approach is to try and figure out how to make the experience less painful for them. Just dragging them out won't make it better for them. They might learn to put up with it, but the stress is going to come out at some point.

My mum would constantly badger me to be outside when I was a child. Drove me mad. I very much preferred (and still prefer) being indoors with a book. She sometimes used to bribe me with money, such was her desire for me to be out of doors. Mental!

They are terrible at finding stuff to entertain themselves

You need a standard list of suggestions.
Learn to draw a something
Jigsaw puzzle
Board game together
Science kit (slime, snap circuits etc)
Lego
Tidy bedroom
Sort the laundry
Clean the windows

We've had talks about health and vitamins and exercising the muscles (DS also has physical issues so this is a concept he knows). We go out because fresh air is good, out hearts need exercise so it's good to run around a bit etc. Looking after the brain. Pointing out wildlife etc.

Do they like drawing? Could you get a holiday sketch book? Go out somewhere and the draw or paint something they see? My DS would hate that!

Or, if there's one place they like to go, just go there every day. I bought a season entry to the outdoor pool last year. We went almost every day, they played on the playground whilst I had a swim, then they were allowed in the water and we left before it got busy. Or if it was too cold to swim, I had a drink at the cafe and they played on the playground.

Our currency is screen time. It's the only thing DS will do things for. The longest he has ever held out was 4 (very long!) days. I'm the only one who knows the passcode to the iPads and they know I mean it when I say they have to do x,y&z to get it.

You say they won't go out without a reason, but they are old enough to help so could you give them jobs to do in the garden or a little patch to plant themselves?

DS1 (8) isn't NT. We've had dyspraxia identified, he's very sensory and there are enough signs to have got us to a waiting list for ASD...

I'm now using an app that restricts access to the tablets through my mobile. We have a tech session in the morning and a longer one early evening. I can grant additional sessions in the day if necessary.

He does need the time to lose himself in Minecraft worlds, but obviously you can have too much of a good thing. He responds better to the access being automated rather than manually policed. He does then shuffle off to find other things to do... not necessarily without moaning.

He doesn't tend to play out in the heat of the day and quite sensibly favours the ends of the day more.

We can struggle with the right balance in the holidays and get more meltdowns then, especially at the transition points.

On holiday, an active day/ rest day pattern works best for us.

I have ASD. Days like yesterday are full of sensory overload - the sun is too bright, it hurts your eyes, and the heat is overwhelming. It's all very uncomfortable. Everyone else is outside so there's a lot of movement and noise to cope with too. Inside is cooler, quieter, darker....much easier to cope with.

One of my ds age 6 is like this. He much prefers being inside. I have to force him out. We went out in the car today and to a lovely place for a walk and he was miserable the whole time! The other two dc, can't keep them in! I am not sure what to do either.

We have had some support with getting them out but they didn’t work . If DT1 doesn’t want to go , nothing will change his mind.

DT2 is slightly easier but is influenced a lot by DT1 so will often not want to go either .

However , he is more easily encouraged and I do often take him out whilst leaving DT1 with DH .

However , this is not always possible as DH works long hours and I’m mostly alone with the boys .

No family or friends close by so it makes family life very difficult .

I do try to understand it’s difficult for them to go outside but sometimes I feel so trapped being stuck indoors for days on end whilst watching all of our neighbourhood enjoying the sun .

When your husband is home if you want to go out then take the opportunity to go outside by yourself for a walk or whatever.
If when you are stuck at home by yourself with the children and they don't want to go out then find your own indoors hobby to stop you getting so bored when they are playing Roblox. It's hard with ASD children ((I have one) so I have found it's actually very important to have time where you do your own thing.

It is perfectly acceptable for any child, ASD or otherwise, to need a rest and wind down after a busy day. Personally, my daughter (who normally loves being outside) just wanted to be inside today because it was so hot and it made her so tired.

I believe that kids need exercise daily.

Roblox and other screens are not relaxing. They just are so absorbing you sit very still.

My ds would stay in screens all day if I let him. I don’t. Even if he’s had a busy day, I’ll enforce our screens rules the following days.

At that age I’d be taking them out for walks etc.

Actually I find for my daughter Roblox /Minecraft is very relaxing. She pretty much just builds and creates. She struggles with actual Lego so doing the virtual version gives her a lot of pleasure. Mumsnet is so anti screens sometimes.

Iggly, it is all very well believing that kids need exercise daily and you would parent so much better. But do you actually have any advice for a parent with an autistic child who refuses to leave the house?

I agree bookmum, Mumsnet is very anti screens sometimes. My son spends a lot of time on his tablet making little films with one of the Toca Boca apps. It’s basically what another child might do with dolls, but he finds it easier to access with a screen. He isn’t just sitting there mindlessly. He is playing.

I think that’s ok tbh. I think balance is important but I don’t think that needs to be balancing every single day out to the nearest quarter hour. I need a wind down after a busy day never mind kids. My daughter absolutely loves being outside but there’s only so much hot weather she will take before she wants to go inside, she would stay out all day in slightly cooler, more overcast weather.

I am an adult without ASD and as a child preferred to be indoors with a book. I never liked 'playing' and even now when I am out in the garden I have a book. I find it too hot and too noisy in the summer. I also hate going for walks.

People are wired differently and some don't enjoy things others do. It is a case of finding a balance really where they maybe have a day out and then a day in to decompress.

It sounds like you are the one who wants to be out if your DH is getting annoyed, so go out and he can watch them. Yours will never be like the children outside, so it is about accepting that and finding a way to work with and improve their anxiety about being outside

Iggly, it is all very well believing that kids need exercise daily and you would parent so much better. But do you actually have any advice for a parent with an autistic child who refuses to leave the house?*

I would suggest reducing screen time to within strict limits and having a timetable for outside time.

Screens are addictive for all children, not just those on the spectrum. My NT DCs massively kick off about going outside and it takes a lot to get them out but if we go to the right place, they have a great time.

I don’t think it’s necessarily specific to the fact that the child has ASD to be honest. Many kids would chose screens over going out - we know it’s good for kids to exercise and we should encourage it as much as possible. Study after study has shown us that.

Ok, well. I have screen limits for my child with ASD. He still doesn't want to go out most of the time, especially when he has been out the previous day. Because it is not a screen time thing. It is an "outside is a terrifying place of loud noises, bright lights, unpredictable people and constant surprises" thing. So it really isn't just as simple as restricting screen time and forcing them out. And sometimes forcing them out is bloody cruel because they need to be away from all those stresses.

There is no rule that says we have to be outside because it's a nice day. Just because other children are out there, don't worry that yours don't want to - it's no big deal.

I totally agree with you. Although I have no experience of asd so ultimately you will know what’s best for them.

I’d be taking electronics from them. Can they swap for books? Can you do up the garden nicely so they will sit outside?

Do you have a dog? Would you consider getting one? Then the kids may feel like there would be more point to getting outdoors. I know we wouldn’t go out nearly as much if it wasn’t for dog walking.

Can you make a visual timetable for the day during the holidays and put an element of choice either between activities or the order of activities. If they are put off with a school style visual timetable and have phones you can text/whatapp a list of the day as your visual. And remember all the basics like rehearsing what will happen on a day out, looking at websites to prepare and thinking of the things they might find hard in advance.

Screen time is different for children with ASD because it is predictable and they can control the environment so they do find it calming compared to other things. For some children with ASD its one of the few really positive social interactions they can get as they understand the rules.

It depends where outside is.

It could be the garden, it could be a quiet woods, it could be a countryside field. Plenty of quiet low stimulating options.

It could be somewhere with as few people as possible.

I just don’t think screens is the panacea or magic solution.

Not sure any one has said they are magic or the onky thing a child should do. Just that a child with asd, after a big day out may need a day doing something they find calming and predicatable and not to worry if thats what they pick.

Oh boi does this butter my crumpet. Me the ds and dd are out everyday!💐doing activeties such as climbing trees (safe) running through parks, feeding ducks. Exectra what a breth of fresh air this news is . my dd mentioned roblox but I had asumed it was a drug haha such fun...now ive tucked them into bed about to watch a documenty about sustainability ha ha ha such fun ...