Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Husband wanting to reconnect with old female friends. AIBU to feel uneasy?

21 replies

changetherecorddh · 30/06/2019 15:22

When DH and I got together four years ago he had several female friends who I felt his relationships with were quite flirty in nature (I’d seen Facebook messages confirming it) I’ll admit I put a bit of pressure on him to phase out these friendships, which probably wasn’t my greatest moment.

Anyway, fast forward four years, marriage and a ten month old baby and he’s told me he misses his former friends and would like to get in touch with one in particular. I’ve told him it’s up to him what he does but if I’m honest I’m not especially happy about it.

I posted recently about his obsession with football and how I feel like he’s using it as an escape from our life together. Now he
Wants to start speaking to another (younger and prettier) woman than me. AIBU to feel a bit uneasy?

OP posts:

MinistryOfTragic · 30/06/2019 19:10

I think it depends on just how "flirty" the messages were, it's hard to judge without knowing the content. Do you think your hormones may be playing a part here too? I remember being very sensitive to things like that when I'd got a ten month old. I understand how you must feel though.

ConfCall · 30/06/2019 19:18

I’ve been ditched by two male friends because of jealous girlfriends. It’s not nice. So, she may regard him as a flaky friend and not want him back in her life anyway.

That said, I was not flirtatious with either of them, so your situation is different in fairness. Also, there are other issues (football). So, on balance I don’t think that you’re being particularly unreasonable.

Whether you can stop him is a different matter though.

formerbabe · 30/06/2019 19:20

You'll get loads of posts from the cool girls saying yabu.

I don't think you are...I'd be very wary.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 30/06/2019 19:45

What formerbabe said.

I’m assuming the 10 month old is his first child?
It would be a hard no from me.

Original poster

changetherecorddh · 30/06/2019 19:53

I wouldn’t say the messages were too flirty. More of the saying nice things about appearance, “flattery will get you everywhere” etc. It was enough for me not to be very happy about though, as I didn’t think it was appropriate talking to other women like that when in a relationship.

I never thought about my hormones tbh. I just can’t help thinking he’s missing talking to specifically female friends when he’s got a new baby to occupy him and a wife. He could always talk to me!

@Horsemenoftheapocolypse yes first child for both of us. He’s younger than me. He’s mid twenties whereas I’m early thirties. It does not help my feelings on the matter that this woman is his age and very pretty. It does not make me feel great about myself when I’m a sleep deprived, knackered mess!

OP posts:

NCforthis2019 · 30/06/2019 19:55

So you don’t trust him?

Tallgreenbottle · 30/06/2019 20:03

He's mid 20s OP. So he was early 20's when you got together? He won't grow up emotionally for probably another 5-10yrs.

I never understand women that go for long term relationships with younger men. The emotional maturity gap rarely closes and you'll always be at different points in your life. When you're retiring he could be looking at 39yr olds and still be capable of pulling one.

He probably wants to go out and have a few drinks and a laugh, not be stuck at home with a wife and a baby. Because let's be brutally honest, that is most likely how he feels. And given the football problems too, he's probably going to go and do it regardless.

ComtesseDeSpair · 30/06/2019 20:34

I think you need to work out whether or not you trust him. Because if your OH is going to cheat he’ll do so regardless of whether you allow him to have friends or not: you only have to read the hundreds of threads from women whose partners and husbands have been cheating with colleagues, or set up secret profiles on dating sites, or visited prostitutes to realise that. In your case I sort of agree with Tallgreenbottle - he sounds bored of married life with a dull baby and a wife who doesn’t put him first anymore. I doubt you telling him you don’t want him to reconnect with old friends will make a bit of difference as to whether he does it behind your back anyway. Sounds like you need to have a serious discussion about his commitment and the future of your marriage.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 01/07/2019 06:23

Did you both want to start a family now? Do his friends have children yet? Most blokes I know really did not want children until at least age 30. It's very difficult when a man is in relationship where they end up pressured into having children earlier than peers as their wife can't wait, biologically. There's no real solution, not letting him see friends won't make his feelings/urges change

RubberTreePlant · 01/07/2019 06:37

I’ve been ditched by two male friends because of jealous girlfriends. It’s not nice. So, she may regard him as a flaky friend and not want him back in her life anyway.

This.

VivienneHolt · 01/07/2019 06:42

I think it’s a shame that he phased out friendships in the first place because of a couple of messages that seemed a little bit flirty to you, but given that he did so I can see why you’re annoyed he wants to pick them back up now. It might be that he just misses genuine friendships, but given your comments about football it sounds more like he’s looking for something to do which isn’t being at home with his wife and baby.

Re her being an attractive woman, the truth is he is going to cheat he will do so regardless of whether you try to control his behaviour. But even if he has no intention of cheating, it doesn’t mean it’s ok for him to skip out on his family responsibilities because he wants to reconnect with an old friend.

I would suggest that you accept he will reconnect with this woman (because he likely will regardless of what you say) but after their first meeting I would suggest she comes for dinner instead of him meeting her on his own. That way if he genuinely does just want to reconnect he shouldn’t have an issue with it, but if he insists on regularly meeting her alone you will know he is probably using it as an excuse to escape his responsibilities at home.

Yogurtcoveredricecake · 01/07/2019 06:50

Is he the one obsessed with football and Germany? So many terrible husband's on here, it's hard to keep track.

He sounds like he's trying to opt out of your marriage tbh and is acting like a complete dickhead. Sounds like he can't handle the responsibility of being a husband and a father, as PP have said his age could be a factor.

TidyDancer · 01/07/2019 06:52

Tbh the thing I'd be uneasy about is the fact that he was willing to ditch old friends on the say so of a jealous girlfriend. The friend may not want him back in her life (and who could blame her?) anyway now.

LolaSmiles · 01/07/2019 06:58

I'd also be concerned that he was a flaky friend if he ditched long term friendships on the say so of a new jealous girlfriend.

It sounds like 4 years has passed and he's regretting allowing his partner to dictate his friendships. It sounds like he is wanting to opt our a bit of the current situation which isn't good, but at the same time I can understand after 4 years he might starr feeling resentful that he's let multiple friendships slide.

newmomof1 · 01/07/2019 07:05

This is the husband who you find irritating, boring and is rude around your family, right?

You seem to have a lot of relationship issues. He probably wants to reconnect with her because he knows he can talk about his hobbies and interests with her.

I wouldn't be happy about him wanting to reconnect - ignore the 'cool girls' who will insist it's all completely innocent. It's probably not...

Sadiesnakes · 01/07/2019 07:19

If he's the husband obsessed with football and putting on German accents and now looking to pick up flirty relationships, then I'm sorry op, he's a tosser and I'd be seriously thinking of moving on op. Maybe try picking a man next time.

TheVanguardSix · 01/07/2019 07:21

I just browsed your other thread. God, YANBU. He sounds insanely tedious. I mean, I was about to defend his interest in Germany, thinking he had an interest in the country's history (Germany does have an incredibly fascinating history). But he's not interested in Germany. He's interested in Oktoberfest. Yuck. I don't know.
His football obsession is almost 'spectrummy'. My DH is asperger's and his interests are very intense and narrow. He's not a broad spectrum guy when it comes to interests. Exploring new things, expanding his crap general knowledge is not what he's about. I'm ok with it now that I understand him more. But it's bloody lonely at times because he isolates himself in his own all-consuming interests and he is not a very involved, hands-on parent in the least.
Age could be a factor, yes. But you know, you start as you mean to go on, OP. Who he is now is pretty much who he's going to be ten years down the road. Your DH is who he is. First-time parenthood is bumpy for many and we should always allow for first-time parenthood glitches in our partners and in ourselves. It is life's steepest learning curve. However, even as we bump along and work it all out, parents, regardless of age, are usually much more engaged in their new family than what your DH is displaying. He just sounds removed from the scene. His priority is clearly not his child or his wife. He's 'not there' and you can't make him 'be there'. That has to come from him.
I would feel exactly the same if I were in your shoes.
What about his male friendships? Does he have many? Why does he only want to rekindle the female ones? Are the female friendships the ones you put the brakes on? (That sounds critical of you and I am totally not being critical, promise. I'm just wondering if he's pursuing what's been 'taken away'.)
Does he work? He just sounds like a guy with way too much time on his hands and he wants to fill that time with anything that will put a barrier up between himself and his responsibilities.

Feelingwalkedover · 01/07/2019 08:00

Married 25 years
My dh has no female friends .the one he did have tipped over in to an emotional affair as she became so needy ,and he was flattered with the attention .that was over 10 years ago .
Anything he discusses with a female friend he should be able to discuss with you

JammieCodger · 01/07/2019 08:22

I’m sorry about your husband’s emotional affair, Feelingwalkedover, but that’s nonsense.

Being able to talk to opposite sex friends is more likely to have a beneficial effect on a relationship than a detrimental one. I can’t imagine being with a man whose only relationships with women are sexual or familial. And I certainly wouldn’t want that to be how I role modelled relationships to my children.

Alloftit · 01/07/2019 08:27

I’m with you, OP. I’ve nothing against friends of the opposite sex, both my fiancé and I have such friends, but he was flirting with them, and it was enough for you to be unhappy with it. Don’t mistrust your judgement now. He accepted how you felt and he chose to stop speaking to them, and nothing should really have changed.

Adversecamber22 · 01/07/2019 08:36

I am a great believer in having friends of both sexes. I have many male friends due to my past work in an engineering environment and my hobby.

However when I broke up with DH, this was totally unrelated to any friendships and was an issue based around bereavement and also his sister. I suddenly found some of my male friends interested in taking things further. Some were overt in their moves, an actual proposition occurring and others more subtle. These were not men in my opinion who wee sleazy or low brow. I had known some for ten years.It was one of those crushing moments of my life.

I still think men and women can be friends but many men are opportunistic arseholes.

Flip