Still Shaking Hours Later - DP: “You’re a fucking whore”

[Asw457]

It’s been over 12 hours now and I am still shaking at home.

Sorry for long post but do not want to drip feed:

For the last year, DP and I had our mobiles on the same plan that was auto debited from my checking account.

Shortly after we did that, I got a new job which provided me with a new phone and paid all costs associated with that phone and I essentially turned off my old phone and stopped using it.

Each month I would see that we were being charged ~£100. It seemed expensive but since my DP needed to use his phone, I couldn’t figure out a way to log in and check why that was the case, so just assumed that was the plan we were on.

It’s now been a year, and I asked DP if he could please pay me back for the mobile phone bill that had been coming out of my account. Given what I had seen coming out of my account over the last several months, I asked for 1,000 and then another 300 to take care of the next 3 months of mobile bills.

Today on the way to brunch, I decided to call the phone company while in the car to get my online username set up, make sure the June bill was paid and finally ask why it was so expensive. Midway through the conversation DP grabbed the phone and started talking to the customer service woman. I thought nothing of it as I had hoped it could get switched over to his name anyway.

After he hung up, he threw the phone at me, and started screaming at me, hitting the steering wheel, saying, you fucking cunt, you whore, you really thought you could get away with it didn’t you.

I was so scared as he was driving and I said, I don’t understand what’s happened? And he kept yelling at me, calling me a thief and a liar and a whore, saying I am no better than a common whore that sleeps for money. During this time he picked up a glass and a plastic water bottle that were in the console and emptied them on to my head and sprayed them on my clothes and then threw the empty ones at me and my face.

It turns out that of that £100 monthly bill I got charged each month, actually £75-85 was my phone because I had been on a more expensive plan and when he transferred me the £1300 to reimburse me for the last year he had overpaid me.

I kept telling him I was sorry and I had no idea that it was my phone that was so expensive, I hadn’t seen a real bill since last May. I was trying to tell him that it wasn’t malicious or scheming on my end but just an innocent mistake.

And he just kept yelling at me and telling me I was no different than his two major exes and I was just a money grubbing whore that thought she could get away with stealing money from him and taking advantage of him.

I was so terrified in the car that as soon as we got home I went inside and he drove off. He has since texted and said I was a liar and a thief and that he can never trust me for what I did and our relationship is off.

I am still shaking hours later and just don’t understand what I did which was so wrong. I could understand maybe feeling annoyed for having overpaid me, but I had always told him previously that I don’t have access to our online bills, it was just an auto debit.

I truly felt scared and could not make him see that it was just a mistake. If it were me, I would have gotten off the phone, had me set up the online login, figured out how much was owed to him and directly paid him.

We had been going through a rough patch but this was truly scary.

So AIBU to think his response did not justify what happened or reading this interaction do you think I am to blame for not having spent the time checking what the breakdown of the bill was? I truly did not even think about it that way as I hadn’t even touched that phone since last year.

Op, seriously, this behaviour is never going to get better, nor will it stay the same, it WILL get worse...

He WILL use every trick in the book to make you think everything is your fault, make you doubt everything including yourself and to make you stay.

He might not have hit you yet, but he did assault you and he WILL hit you in the future.

Please leave this vile man while you still can

and that time we talked and he said he was sorry but I antagonised him and pushed his buttons to his breaking point.

OP this is your description of a previous occasion. Here he is manipulating you to take responsibility for his behaviour and to moderate your behaviour to accommodate him. This is abusive. Now it’s happened again and his hatred has been aimed at you again. He’s never punched you in the ‘traditional’ way, but there is always next time ‘you push his buttons’. I see a lot of clients who have been in a DA relationship and what you write is such a familiar story to me. He’s unlikely to change, it’s likely to escalate, but even if it stays the same are you happy to be called a cunt, are you happy to be assaulted with the nearest item he can find, are you happy to alter your behaviour ALL THE TIME because he’s on a hair trigger?

I can see from your posts you’re willing someone to come on to this thread and tell you he will and can change. Please heed the overwhelming advice here even if you don’t post again.

Get. The. Fuck. Out. Of. There.

Being covered in water is humiliating and what he said to me is terrible , but I do want to make sure to state that he does not nor has he ever hit me or held me aggressively.

Oh FFS how good for him to have you able to explain away his abuse because it could be worse.

Putting aside the no small matter of he WILL hit you and hold you aggressively in the future, if you stay with him because he has already shown himself to be following the abuser's script. 9, soon to be 10 pages worth of posts from goodness knows how many of us are telling you this. If you want to stay around long enough to be hit or held aggressively that's up to you - personally, having my phone ripped out of my hands while he is driving, verbally abusing me and throwing water and/or ANY object at or in my direction is so very far over my red line of absolute deal breakers that it's a complete no brainer that I'd leave.

He said he is sorry but I made him...

Nobody.... NOBODY can make anybody else shout, swear, call their partner names and throw water and objects at them. You do not have the remote control for his behaviour, it is 100% his responsibility how he responds to you. If a kitten attacked your ankle and you and your were for a moment really hurt and angry, would you launch a prolonged shouting attack at the kitten, douse the kitten in water and throw stuff at her? Or would you grit your teeth and mutter Owww and firmly but without hurting the kitten move it away from your leg for time out? Humans can moderate their behaviour, even when angry. He CHOSE to act as he did. Now he is CHOOSING to try to make your responsible for his actions.

He said he didn't throw the bottles at me

He's rewriting history to suit himself. Another abuser's tactic.

he said/did ANYTHING OTHER THAN COMPLETE HORROR AT HIS OWN ACTIONS AND PROMISES TO GET IMMEDIATE PROFESSIONAL HELP FOR HIS ANGER ISSUE

Get the fuck out already.

I'm sorry but you truly love someone who can call you a fucking cunt and a whore. Just him calling you that is unforgivable. You need to have more respect for yourself. Do not accept that behaviour!

So - he's done it before, you talked and he apologised - BUT you antagonised him .
I think you might get another 'apology' OP.
Do not listen. This is following the classic 'script' of abuse.
Leave now.
PLEASE.

Of course you aren’t to blame, and please don’t spend another single second trying to work our what you could have done differently to prevent this. I know you want to make him see sense, I know his reaction was unjustified and unfair and you want him to know that, but step away from all of those feelings. He did what he did because he is an abuser. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him.

Believe me when I say if it hadn’t been this it would have been something else. You can’t prevent abusive men from abusing with anything you do.

Here is what I suggest you do:

1. Tell someone you trust so they know what happened and can be on hand to help you if you suddenly need it.

1. Report the assault to the police. I know this seems like a scary step but it is absolutely valid and will help you protect yourself.
2. Return the overpayment by bank transfer. I am only recommending this because you don’t want to give him any excuse to keep harassing you.
3. If you live together, leave and find somewhere safe to stay. If you own a house together speak to a solicitor about selling it. If you don’t live together but he has a key to your house, change the locks.
4. Block his number and email, delete him from social media etc.
5. Expect that he will come back with apologies, behaving kindly, telling you he’s sorry and he just flipped out because his awful, terrible ex left him with trust issues. Do not believe any of this bullshit. Take whatever steps you can to prevent him contacting you at all.

Please don’t blame yourself - you did not deserve this, you did not cause this, you have done nothing wrong.

I wouldn't give him back a penny without figuring out what's going on with the phones. I think it was him racking up those phones bills. I don't even believe customer services told him that it was your phone racking up that charge. I think he's set you up because he wants money and he wants to abuse you. Leave him and never look back OP.

The reasons why he did what he did is irrelevant. Run away from this man as fast as you can

Also... you don't love him. You live a lie he has constructed for you

Love*

You need to go the police and make a statement, focus on what he did and said in the car. He assaulted you and the fact he was driving is an aggravating feature. And obviously LTB. His reaction to an innocent mistake was completely OTT.

It's horrifying that in our society this happens and the woman is so conditioned to take the blame,be assaulted, belittled, humiliated and spent the rest of the relationship tiptoeing on eggshells making she he doesn't assault her again.

It make me fucking sick.

Leave him - you will not ever ever be happy with this man.

All of his behaviour is appalling but the 'you're the same as all the others' jumped out at me.

Abusers abuse and this will have been the pattern in all his previous relationships. It's a massive red flag when a man says all his previous partners were whores/crazy etc. He hates women. He particularly hates those who got away.

Leave him.

He's shown his true colours, if that's how he reacts over money I wouldn't sit around to see how he reacts over anything actually important

Yes you should have sorted out the bill earlier, yes you should have told him a more accurate figure of what he owed.
But in no way did that warrant the abuse you got.

Leave, just make sure financially you're set up when you go because if that's how he reacts over a few hundred pound I can't imagine the fall out when it comes to dividing assets.

There's a hidden agenda here. No one gets that annoyed, violent and abusive over a few pounds. He was looking for a reason to end it. You should be relieved he's gone. He's dangerous

That wasn't my experience, and I may be projecting, but it seems not to be OP's experience, either. She is in HIS house, and he has told her to get some sleep - he doesn't seem to be ending it at all.

OP, my ex would "end" it to make me apologise for something I had never done, and "get back into line". He had conditioned me that I was crazy in love, that there was no one like him, that I constantly misunderstood him and his behaviour, that no one else would put up with me, etc etc.

It is emotional abuse, and psychologists recognise that it is the hardest abuse to recover from. I hear it in you in your constant questioning "was it me?" "am I misinterpreting?" etc. And your assurances of how much you love him and hope he will change.

Leave. He is expecting that you won't, and that he can use this incident to control you further. You may have accidentally overcharged him, but you have not deliberately done anything wrong. He has insulted, abused and assaulted you. If you stay, the boundaries of the relationship will have shifted so that all that is within the boundaries, if that makes sense. And little by little, incident by incident, the boundaries will shift until you no longer recognise yourself or your relationship. OK, I fully admit I am projecting here, but it could happen to you, too.

Leave. Do you have a friend or family member that you can stay with while you get a new life sorted for yourself? Report to the police. Call Women's Aid or do a Google search to find local support organisations for survivors of Domestic Abuse. There are support groups and recovery programmes that will help you to process the relationship and protect you going into further relationships.

I KNOW how scary it is. But that fear is helping you to get out. Don't be like me - I stayed and stayed until the fear became so everyday that it didn't seem like fear any more, it seemed normal. And then it took a lot to help me to leave.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, OP. I truly only want the best from you. If you do one thing, talk to a domestic abuse agency and they will support you. Whether you stay or go.

Please listen to everyone on here. The phone stuff is now incidental. His behaviour is what you need to be screening. Do you think it's a normal reaction to hurl verbal abuse, pour water over you, throw things in your face? Of course you don't.

Report the assault. Repay him whatever he overpaid. And have nothing more to do with him and count your blessings you got out before it got worse.

Then count your blessings that you're free.

Everything that @VivienneHolt has just said.

Honestly, you could work through that like a tick-list.

Don't try to analyse and understand what happened first - there is nothing that will legitimise his behaviour and you do not need his approval or his acceptance that he was wrong. YOU know the truth.

Be thankful that you have got him out of your life now for the price of a mobile phone contract. If you don't walk away from him now, it'll be a much higher price at some point in the future.

No, he won't change, even if he goes to therapy (which he won't; don't bother trying, he's not worth it).

Your life will soon get better when you're rid of this man. No matter how hard it feels to walk away now, you'll reach a point where you are so glad you did it.

He'll probably try the "I don't know why you're so upset, it's me who was affected by your mistake, I thought you loved me, see it from my point of view, I thought you were better than this" bollocks as well.
If he's said the relationship is over, that's because he's expecting you to beg him to come back. Which will mean, to him, that he's broken a little part of you without you even knowing and he can do something worse next time.

His actions and words were sick and vile. He is dangerous. Seriously.

Change your locks, block his number, go no contact, run for the freaking hills as fast as you can. Look up the Freedom Programme - his behaviour and words are classic abuser.
freedomprogramme.co.uk

The reason he kicked off was because he was trying to con you with the phone bill in the first place. It's no coincidence that it happened when you were on the phone to the phone company, he could see you were about to find out .
He sounds quite scary, and his choice of insult doesn't reflect well on him eithe r.
I'd say he's a dangerous misogynistic bastard and you should keep well away.
Don't respond to messages from him, he'll try to talk youvround, but you've seen how nasty he is, he'll only get worse.
You're shaking because he's so scary, please stay away.

Well, OP, you're a bit of an idiot, actually.

You're quite clearly with an abusive prick and yet you keep making up excuses because 'LOOOOVEEEEE'. You LOOOVEEEE him. So Much. More so than yourself, more so than your own life and your own safety. Isn't that right?

He's not going to change, of course not, but you love him so unconditionally that you'll just let him abuse you again and again, and you'll allow it to escalate, because having a pair of trousers is far more important than anything else. Right?

It's your choice, OP. He's not going to change, ever, and you know he isn't going to change. If you choose to stay you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of abuse. So either leave the pathetic wankstain (he sounds like a very low quality male - don't see why any woman would ever wish to be with such a low quality human, but hey ho), or learn to like it, cause from what I can see, everything we say goes in one ear and out the other.

This will be your life from now on.

I have been in your situation, whenever these massive explosions happened and I told someone else about it, I kept trying to justify what I had done in order to really make the person understand my role in the argument. The conversations would go a bit like this Me: explain what happened Friend: he's a bastard Me: Because even if.... Friend: he's a bastard Me: And if it was because of x and y... Friend: he's a bastard etc etc. It was as if only if I could prove that I had been entirely blameless could I actually accept that this was not my fault. But the truth is in most disagreements there is normally a bit both sides could have done better, no one is entirely blameless (ie you could have spoken to the phone company before asking him for the money etc) But it is really important to take in what everyone here is telling you - regardless of what did or didn't happen, no one should be spoken to like that, no one should get that angry over something like that. There is no justification. I am sure that he is very charming at other times as they normally are, but this anger will.always be simmering under the surface and you will never know what will trigger it which will mean you will be walking on eggshells for the whole time you are with him. Please get out while you can

In 34 years dh has never, ever thrown things at me, poured water over me, or called me vile names.

Stop making excuses for him OP and leave now. You do not want or need the emotional or physical abuse that is coming your way fast. I grew up with an emotionally abusive father, and I still feel the effects,of that at 53, and he has been dead for over 15 years now. It took my Mum years to sort herself out once she left him. You are worth more than this. If you want to keep your self respect, then just get out now.

There’s no point looking for any explanations about the phone.

Deep down you know that. It isn’t your fault he behaved as he did.

He choose to behave that way.

It really isn’t your fault. What is making you look for reasons to justify his anger?

I’m so sorry OP. You’re in an abusive relationship. Here’s a frame of reference for how that conversation should’ve gone.

Him: Ah okay. I see what’s happened. You’re still on the plan you were on so they’ve been charging you seventy quid a month.

You: Oh, shit. Sorry. I had no idea. I’ll send the money I owe back to your account.

Him: It’s cool. You didn’t know.

That’s it. That is all.