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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be cross with my DD

25 replies

Alijane46 · 30/06/2019 00:30

DD 18 has been with her boyfriend for six months, all going great until the last few weeks. She has realised that they are very different people and it’s just not working for her any more. DD is beautiful to look at and quietly confident without being full of herself. Her boyfriend is a super talented singer and musician but has zero self worth. He puts DD on a massive pedestal and worships her, which she says lately she finds suffocating.

She is planning on finishing with him on Monday. They’ve been to prom together this week, had their last music concert were they both performed tonight and tomorrow they have a signing performance. DD made her mind up on Thursday but didn’t think it was right to end it before the said concerts this weekend so feels Monday is the earliest opportunity to speak to him in person.

I’ve been to their concert tonight and felt cross with DD for how she treated her boyfriend. Her body language said it all, it screamed I’m not interested in you anymore. The poor guy looks crest fallen. He looks like what the hell is going on. Like a bloody puppy whose owner has lost interest and can’t understand why.

I spoke to DD and I get her dilemma, she’s not had chance to speak with him but I feel so bad for the boyfriend, he totally adores DD, first real love etc.

DD is usually a lovely girl but when she’s made her mind up about something, that’s it, no going back. I pulled her up on her behaviour tonight and she said I was deliberately making her feel bad. I genuinely feel so upset for him. I know it’s not right to stay with someone you don’t have feelings for anymore but show some mercy!

AIBU to feel cross or is it just how you are when you’re 18? Maybe having been dumped at a similar age by my first love it’s just yunearthed long forgotten feelings! I think I may have forgotten how ruthless teens can be!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/06/2019 00:34

I genuinely think you need to take a massive step back.

I was very close to my mum, yet she would've had zero idea when I was about to dump a boyfriend and even if I had told her, she (quite rightly) wouldn't get involved.

CharityConundrum · 30/06/2019 00:34

Would it be better if she were pretending to feel the same way as before, so it would be a total bombshell when she tells him?
I think you need to stay out of it - you sound like you prefer the boyfriend to her atm so it's probably best not to say anything to her that might give that impression,!

AlunWynsKnee · 30/06/2019 00:37

Stop making her feel bad about knowing her own mind. She can't stay in a relationship to spare anyone's feelings. You shouldn't be giving her grief over it. She's tried to find a good time to finish it which is all she can do.

cheesydoesit · 30/06/2019 00:38

Yeah YABU, I'm afraid and I agree with everything that has already been said.

springydaff · 30/06/2019 00:40

oh give over pp's.

Of course we cringe when we see the ruthless ways our kids behave sometimes. And of course you were right to suggest she has some mercy and grace about it. Maybe it'll have to happen to her before she gets it.

One thing though op: why on earth did you post in AIBU? Do you not know what it's like in here?

Original poster
Alijane46 · 30/06/2019 00:40

Think you might both be right and that’s what my head is telling me too.

I’ve not asked her, she’s just been very open with me about it all.

I know they are both young and being dumped is part of life but I just feel for the poor guy

OP posts:
Yeahsurewhatever · 30/06/2019 00:42

What would you have her do instead?
Dump him now before his concert?
Or force herself to act a certain way that she is uncomfortable with, to please him?
I'm not sure she has a third option?

Personally I had my mum's unwavering support in doing what was right for me at that age when I dumped my own bf in very similar circumstances. When he became a victim that everyone else felt sorry for (we stayed friends, I wasn't mean, he just wasn't going to be 'the one') my mum's support reassured me that I didn't need to feel any guilt and what was right for me, was the priority.

Original poster
Alijane46 · 30/06/2019 00:42

bold springydaff I think you are right. I did say you might feel the same way one day when someone dumps you!

OP posts:
Storkbloom · 30/06/2019 00:42

YABU. I wouldn't be being all nice and lovey-dovey with someone I wasn't interested in and planned to dump, no matter what puppy dog eyes they have. In fact, the expressions of a lost puppy would just fuck me off with him even more.

cheesydoesit · 30/06/2019 00:44

You don't know how he really is though. OP's DD says she feels suffocated by his behaviour. I don't think she should stay with him just so she doesn't hurt his feelings, she's taken time to wait until she can break it off with him properly and probably already feels resentful. We've all been on either end of heartbreak, it's just part of life.

Original poster
Alijane46 · 30/06/2019 00:45

I get there’s no easy way to do this and the timing has been tricky and I’ve said to DD all along you always have to be true to yourself but his poor face!

OP posts:
Dillow · 30/06/2019 00:53

Its really horrible to see, I've had it from both sides with my DCs.

One was so dismissive and rude when he ended it that I ended up falling out with him, nothing to do with me at all but I think I was just embarrassed of the way he was treating the poor girl.

Second time another DC was dumped and was heartbroken. I spend a lot of money on ice cream that week.

Weezol · 30/06/2019 00:53

YABU - she's showing consideration for all the others involved in these events by not causing a massive issue by dumping him in the middle of it and potentially causing strops, fall outs and taking of sides.

You sound massively over invested in her relationship - back off and realise how smart she is.

stressedandwhat · 30/06/2019 00:57

OP I don't think YABU to be concerned but I've been on the about to be dumped side of this and actually I would rather he wasn't so affectionate two days before... made it more confusing actually and I felt a bit used.

Difficult position for your daughter to be in if they had big events coming up I suppose...

user27495824 · 30/06/2019 01:11

YABU. Just put yourself in her shoes. She probably feels really shit about it already, and thought it would be less cruel to give him some heads up something was up rather than faking false affection (woah?!) and then breaking it to him with zero warning later? It's natural for there to be a transition period. Naturally he will ask what is up and if they can talk about it and then she can break up with him.

It could be worse. My first boyfriend was FULL ON. He sent me love letters saying cringey things like 'I've had to re-write this in pencil because I love you so much my iceberg heart has melted and now my tears can flow freely, and were smudging the ink' Hmm. The more full on he got the harder it was for me to break it to him I didn't feel the same way, at all. Never had. I felt ill every time he contacted me because even though he was ignorant to my own feelings, I didn't want to upset him. So what did I eventually do? I snogged someone else in front of him I didn't even like. Teenage relationships are often brutal. Your daughter is doing the right thing. Sad

HardLuckWater · 30/06/2019 01:18

Urgh, you sound like my mum when I dumped my first boyfriend. She was furious that I got rid of a "nice" boy who "must have been devastated" ... I felt like she cared more about him than me!

What she didn't know of course was that he was always pressuring me into doing things I didn't want to do. No, she just saw his "nice face" and "big eyes" and cast ME as the villain Hmm

OP, you're over involved and I'm not sure what you wanted her to do? What would you have done?

lostelephant · 30/06/2019 01:22

I don't think there's a right way or wrong way to go about it... seems like a difficult predicament and she's made her choice for how to deal with it.

From personal experience I was once dumped a few days before a concert for a band I had been wanting to see for years and still had to go with the ex, it was a horrible experience and I spent the entire time upset rather than enjoying the gig.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 30/06/2019 02:07

When I was 21 I left my abusive xdh. Me and my pfb were in a refuge and I went to my Mam's house for a bath and a nap.
While I was asleep she phoned him to "come and make me see sense" so I woke up with him looming over me...
She adored him, thought he was lovely, and couldn't understand why I wanted to leave him.
I don't think I will ever forgive her, and I will definitely never forget.
Keep out of it OP.

springydaff · 30/06/2019 02:29

Hang on. I don't think op is suggesting dd shouldn't break up with the boy, or wanting her to stay with the boy because he's 'respectable', or whatever.

It's the way dd is doing it ie treating him like shit that op has an issue with. I've certainly encouraged my kids on occasion to be kinder to people. I certainly needed that type of encouragement when I was a teen.

As I said op: what on earth was wrong with you to post in AIBU?

PregnantSea · 30/06/2019 03:51

This is absolutely none of your business. I know you care deeply about DD and want her to do what you think is the right thing, but she's not a child anymore and it's not healthy for you to get so involved.

She won't thank you for it and it will probably drive a wedge between you if you don't start to step back and let her get on with her own love life.

mathanxiety · 30/06/2019 04:18

You are being massively, hugely unreasonable.

Your DD is allowed to concentrate on preparing for a concert. She is allowed to put her energy into the music. She is allowed to feel the emotional effect of her own decision or to be preoccupied with her own feelings and she doesn't owe the BF any sort of an act.

It was considerate of her not to dump him with prom and the concerts going on this week. She does not owe him anything more, and in fact giving him any indication that all was well would be cruel of her. It would send him a mixed message. She is very wise to be direct and clear.

Support your DD full tilt for having the great good sense to ditch this boyfriend.

Putting her on a pedestal when he hardly knows her - six months of a relationship is nothing - is a huge red flag indicating a relationship that is very unhealthy.

Be prepared to support her through all sorts of manipulation after she dumps him if his performance at the concert was anything to go by. He looked Like a bloody puppy whose owner has lost interest and can’t understand why. Gird your loins for begging, pleading, tears if you are lucky, and stalking and threats of suicide if you are not.

Her boyfriend is a super talented singer and musician but has zero self worth. He puts DD on a massive pedestal and worships her, which she says lately she finds suffocating.
It sounds as if you have been sucked in by someone with a problem personality. I hesitate to say 'needy narcissist' because you have not offered much description of his behaviour, but the fact that your DD finds him suffocating, the pedestal thing, and your reference to his lack of self worth speaks volumes.

Maybe you are a people pleaser or caretaker personality who finds DD's more 'taking care of Number One' style hard to understand?
My advice to you is to please try to appreciate and celebrate her attributes. She sounds great.

You owe her a heartfelt apology.

BadLad · 30/06/2019 04:20

He sent me love letters saying cringey things like 'I've had to re-write this in pencil because I love you so much my iceberg heart has melted and now my tears can flow freely, and were smudging the ink'

Grin What a sap

AIBU to be cross with my DD
mathanxiety · 30/06/2019 04:22

I suspect PomBear and I are thinking along the same lines.

Ponoka7 · 30/06/2019 04:34

I agree that what you are describing is a toxic relationship. You should be praising her for recognising that and getting out.

He's a master manipulator. I think you're reading him wrong. But he doesn't matter, your DD should be what matters.

She's going to get lots of Men wanting to date her, as said, she owes them nothing.

springydaff · 30/06/2019 09:41

fucksake

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