To ask how to help DS17 organise himself

[Notsureabouthis]

He is dyslexic, quite probably ADD, chilled out and forgetful! He is bad for letting others organise him/chase him.

I want him to start taking more responsibility for admin and the school has also flagged it as something he needs to improve on. His default now seems to be waiting until he gets chased for something. Very annoying.

I’ve spoken about this to him many times. Where I can, I let natural consequences happen (eg doing his driving theory, organising going to a music festival) but for important stuff I do still chivvy him as I don’t want him to mess up important stuff - work experience/gap year planning.

Anyway, any advice? He says he won’t look at a to do list, he’ll forget. He’s resistant to methods to help him. 😤

"get your shit in order and pull your finger out unless you want to die lonely, single, penniless and probably with dirty boxers on. No one wants to date/marry/love a lazy arsehole" with the stoniest face ever.

Tbh OP it's mostly probably because he's been enabled. Let his shit go to shit. He needs to learn.

ADD is not an excuse. It might be the reason behind some of it but it can be treated and treated well.

😆 about right! I have said similar about him not being able to hold down a job if he carried on like that and he was quite upset. It’s a fine line as his confidence is not great.

What do you mean about it being treated? And it’s not ADHD it’s ADD.

ps I do “let his shit go to shit” when I can but I can’t sit by and let him f up everything.

He can't just say 'I forgot' he needs to find ways to remember.

My DD1 has dyspraxia and we have found reminder on her phone work quite well, but she has to set them up as repeats and only cancel when she has done the job as otherwise she gets distracted between the reminder and the execution.

(However I have found my teen is quite capable of remembering things when they matter to her enough...)

.... What are the reasons he gives? Apart from being forgetful..??

Have you let him fail cos of his lack of organisation? Might not be a bad idea... So he really really sees the link...

My memory is rubbish... I exist with alarms/notifications /and lists that I plan to notify at the right time for me to do what it is....
. Eg tomorrow there is an alarm telling me to buy/post birthday cards...

When I'm back home.. I have a Google keep list that alerts me to what shopping i need to get when I'm close to a shop... I use IFTTT app.
It saves me having to remember...

Cross Post

Youve left it a bit too late really they need to start much much younger.

With dd (asd and dyspraxia) we got an academic planner and she has her phone. She puts everything in it and shows me when it's more technical like getting the evidence for extra help at university. But it's been a long road, she's a little older - i made her apply for benefits, she got turned down for uc because she was told she needed to claim esa at her interview - but the whole process scared her so much she bucked up her ideas and got a job! That experience has been the making of her, she learns so much I highly recommend it. She is at university now

Thanks all (except @madcatladyforever for her supremely unhelpful post!) been battling this a long time.

I will chat to him again about it. Hopefully seeing it in black and white from the school in his report will focus him a bit more. I’ve taken a bit more on of the admin than I’d like as we’ve been trying to encourage him to focus on his A levels which he’s finding hard.

It’s become much more visible this year as for the first time he’s had a lot more going on beyond schoolwork - gap year/ work experience / Uni research etc...

It’s tough. My DS is similar, it was very late that he had a dyslexia diagnosis, my goodness now we know it’s obvious but you don’t always know at the time. Losing your rag, tempting though it is, doesn’t work. If he’s forgotten something it’s just gone! Reminders, patience and love.

Should have added DS is a bit of a technophobe, so outlook calendars etc aren’t v good. Just a lot of work trying to get him to focus, easy reminders, not complex instructions. DS is very bright but not at all academic , and that’s a challenge for me and DH.

If he is ADHD, then the ADHD Foundation has some good info.

I like Faster than Normal, it's a book too.

If you're near Liverpool, Ladders of Life has an excellent drop-in group

There's a lot of info online and a lot of FB groups, support groups and people like ADHD Wise doing really good work.

Any sentence that begins "Just..." or "All you need to do..." is written by someone who has no idea what it's like to lack executive control to the point where you have a DX.

Dry wipe pens and shiny surfaces to make notes on - mirrored wardrobe for me.

Alarms. Clocks and on my phone.

Create 'artificial' deadlines otherwise nothing gets done.

For example, must get laundry going before 10am, while that's on, get bathroom cleaned - setting timer for 45 minutes.

Have a set To Do list for the day and sort through it.

Notes - don't let him be afraid to blu-tack them to walls, doors and furniture.

@Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt

Thanks for that ringing endorsement

Perhaps “just” was the wrong word. Mea culpa

My ds has just had a late diagnosis of ADHD primarily inattentive type, his difficulties also became far more obvious after starting college. He is 17. Alongside all the other suggestions medication has made a huge difference to him. I wasn't keen on the idea at first but it has literally changed his life. As he has always been really well behaved but lost/ forgotten stuff I assumed he would grow out of it or that putting sanctions in place would work, this wasn't the case for us.

I have Inattentive ADD, just been diagnosed at 32. Explains a LOT.

Things I’ve found help since I’ve been able to research various things:

• A rucksack (it was expensive-ish at £70) that has LOTS OF POCKETS for various items. I check it every night as I’m always putting my bank cards in my pockets rather than back in the bag etc.

• Lanyards for cards (gate entry, bank card, student ID, work ID)

• a big fuck off wall planner with colours and a Bullet Journal that I crack out every Sunday evening (have 3DC to keep track of as well as my Uni and work commitments)

• a “launch pad” which is a Kallax unit. Contains mine and DCs outfits for a week, shoes, bag, jacket, coat, hats, scarfs, gloves, sunglasses etc (a friend helped me set up all this up)

• labelled alarms on my phone

Sorry, the "just" comment wasn't aimed at anyone personally, I've just said it to myself for many years as my DM still says I'm lazy!

I'm 47!

@Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt I feel that. I’m almost 33 and beyond fucked off with the comments from my Dad Sorry but my house will never be show home standards and I will never look like I’ve been groomed to within an inch of my life.

“Can’t you just wash the pots as soon as you’ve eaten?”

Not only do I have 3DC vying for my attention, but prior to DC, I still couldn’t bloody do it.

I HAVE A DISHWASHER because that helps me now piss off

@IDontGiveABagOfDicks love your user name

Thanks for your post which was really useful. We’re going to try a reminder app on his phone to see if that helps. He’s using it already for some stuff (important to him!) so he can extend it to other tasks easily I think.

You sound like you’re doing brilliantly by the way! Don’t listen to your dad

@TigerDroveAgain - thanks for the kind words. It’s tough isn’t it?!

@Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt

Are you Scottish? Love your name!

It isn’t ADHD but quite possibly ADD, we decided not to go down the diagnosis route for various reasons. He’s way better than he used to be.

I will look at those sites though...

@Gingernaut - brilliant practical suggestions. Thanks! 🙏