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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feel like cancelling overnight

21 replies

Busymummy888 · 29/06/2019 12:34

Ex’s weekend with DC got ‘held’ on at work last night so couldn’t collect them and today had a suit fitting at 10am for a wedding so would collect them off me later.
I text to see a time and he is out now having lunch with the other lads

I am livid I now have to bring the dc to a birthday party and he’ll collect them after

Also the next weekend he has them he’s away on a stag AIBU to text him and tell him he’s not getting them

OP posts:
Thehop · 29/06/2019 12:40

He’s being an absolute prick, I’m so sorry.

Iliterallycantthinkofanythingq · 29/06/2019 12:46

I'd just tell him that he's messed you around enough and he can't take them if he's going to be like this. Stick to the plan - the exact plan - and have them, or don't have them at all. You're not here to wait around for him and be on hold!

Original poster
Busymummy888 · 29/06/2019 12:47

I did text him and tell him
I wasn’t happy and thought he was being unfair on the DC and now I’m getting messages saying I’m a dick and he’s going for 50/50

OP posts:
Likethebattle · 29/06/2019 12:51

Let him try for 50/50 i’m sure his texts letting you down will really help him in court.

Likethebattle · 29/06/2019 12:52

Oh and abusive to boot by calling you a dick!

Nothingsuitsmelikeasuit · 29/06/2019 12:53

50/50? He can’t even have them every other weekend 🙄

newmomof1 · 29/06/2019 12:56

Well what was his plan for DCs today if he hadn't worked late last night? Sounds like BS to me

YouWinAgain · 29/06/2019 12:56

My court order states that if Ex doesn't take DD at the time he's supposed to then I am to continue with my plans as normal and Ex can have her when I've done what I need to. So YANBU in my book. He can have them when you're able to drop them off.

Original poster
Busymummy888 · 29/06/2019 13:11

He doesn’t even have them eow it’s 2/5 weekends

OP posts:
GruciusMalfoy · 29/06/2019 13:14

His type always pull the 50/50 card when you don't just agree with them. So predictable. He more than likely won't do it, especially when he cannot commit to weekend contact. When my ex tried it I said, "OK, I'm wait to hear from your solicitor". Still waiting almost 11 years on.

RandomMess · 29/06/2019 13:30

"50/50 would be great will have more time for my boyfriend then"

Sagradafamiliar · 29/06/2019 13:35

Mine does this. There's no need to text that he isn't having them as he already makes clear that he can't/won't. After 8 years of this shit, I really don't have any suggestions, only commiserations. Some fathers just don't prioritise their children.

fedup21 · 29/06/2019 13:38

Just reply, ‘lovely-good luck with that.’

imsuchagrump · 29/06/2019 13:39

AIBU to text him and tell him he’s not getting them.
They are your dc not property, of course he can take them he's their parent as you are .
But he is behaving like a child but do not use your children rise above it as you will look worse .

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/06/2019 13:48

My ex used to do this. Initially I would text saying things like “I have plans/work! You can’t just assume I’m free to have them. When will you be here?” He would ignore me and I realised he enjoyed the fact he was causing me hassle so when he would text to say he was “running late and would get them later” or “can’t get them tonight, will text you in the morning”. I wouldn’t respond to him. And I wouldn’t respond to the next text hours later that said “is that ok?” Or the one the next morning that said “what time can I come get the boys?”. I went about my business and ignored him completely, I rearranged my plans/work or arranged a babysitter. I decided that if he didn’t turn up when arranged then he’d lost his chance to have them because I certainly wasn’t going to go out of my way to accommodated him when it suddenly suited him. I figured if seeing them was that important he would actually make sure he turned up for them. As it happened, seeing them wasn’t that important and he just hasn’t turned up for over two years now. No excuses given. He lives 10 minutes away.

Original poster
Busymummy888 · 29/06/2019 14:39

It’s just very frustrating then I feel like I’m an awful mum complaining about having my children but it’s not that at all I just think he treats me like a doormat over it all

OP posts:
justthecat · 29/06/2019 14:42

It’s not fair for your dc to get excited to see their dad then he lets them down, it’s his fault not yours

RandomMess · 29/06/2019 15:03

Seriously he is playing you!

What you want is consistency and being able to plan- most parents need this and all DC do.

Look up grey rock, don't rise to any bait. He doesn't turn up on time then contact is cancelled... ignore his threats and tantrums. His power is believing you want residency and that the DC happiness matters to you. Stop feeding him anything.

Any important to you plans that fall on his time ensure you have back up childcare and basically get on with your life.

So far as the DC comfort and reassure them, don't cover for him though "silly Daddy cancelling again and missing out on spending time with the best children in the world, well at least that means we can do X together" or similar.

He's an ass that will never put his DC first ThanksThanksThanksThanks

PonderingPanda · 29/06/2019 15:10

AIBU to text him and tell him he’s not getting them

He doesn't want them anyway so don't think he'd care

SadieSteele · 29/06/2019 15:25

I want through this. My EXH was ALWAYS late collecting by hours. Horrible to see DC's sitting at the window waiting and waiting for his car. That feeling of just not being the priority even when it was his weekend.

You need to stick to the arrangements be ready when he said he will arrive. If he doesn't turn up after ( I used to wait an hour) carry on with the whole weekend without him.
It's horrible because your plans may have to change but eventually he might learn.

My EXH couldn't accept that his weekends meant just that, he was responsible and had to either give up his partying ways or find childcare. He would often ask me to have them when he had other plans and would threaten me with " well I'll find the most awful person to leave them with and if anything happens to them it will be your fault".

I did make sure that I could safely be 'awkward' and out of the picture. So school had a list of who was collecting when so that I wasn't blamed for him not turning up. On a Friday I would make sure I was busy miles away ( if not genuinely at work) so that when he was late or hadn't collected they had to contact him and I couldn't be the 'backstop'. To the school or him on the phone "yes, it isn't my weekend, I can collect, but I will be an hour". It gave him less options and meant he needed to be accountable.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/06/2019 15:38

Horrible to see DC's sitting at the window waiting and waiting for his car.

Yep. Its fucking cruel. I had to stop telling my DC when he was due to come. Older DC knew it was supposed to be every other weekend but I had to tell him it wasn’t anymore because of dad’s work and that dad would let me know when he was coming. It was horrible because I could never give them notice and then sometimes he would turn up and they weren’t expecting him, had to go and get ready. I had to turn down Birthday my invites for them because he might turn up, but I couldn’t tell DC why they couldn’t go to their friends party. I stopped turning down invites eventually and if he turned up I told him he had to take them. He didnt.

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