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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Was DM BU after I had to ring police?

10 replies

namue · 28/06/2019 13:04

Ongoing emotional abuse from my ex for the past few months since our break up. I've consulted DM for advice and for a rant on a good few occasions as that's the person I feel most secure going to.

He'd started messaging some manipulative stuff last night and I'd screenshotted, sent to her and asked for her advice on the best response to shut the conversation down. I was scared because I knew he was going to be turning up to my home this morning (to drop DS off) so wanted to diffuse the kick off and set boundaries.
She provided no advice and no help apart from saying repeatedly 'just don't reply, just get up tomorrow and decide what the best thing to say is', but I was already concerned that we'd be meeting so early.
I text him a really short text basically saying no need for texting, let's not start this, see you tomorrow. He'd continued to message and I'd sent her them but obviously hadn't continued to reply to him.
He was aggressive this morning and I'd rang police. I let her know just over text what had happened.
I was looking forward to hearing back with some reassurance and some support and to be told I'd done the right thing to not stand for his shit and for contacting police which must've been hard in itself only for her to ring and start shouting and ranting about how pathetic I am for replying to his message yesterday and how she's sick of the drama and can't be assed with the 'bullshit' etc ETC.
I hung up the phone, and have declined every call since now with texts telling me I'm being ridiculous and that she's stressed in her life and I make no effort to help myself etc.

OP posts:
namue · 28/06/2019 13:05

I've got several texts saying I only think about myself etc too.

OP posts:
namue · 28/06/2019 13:06

For clarification, our relationship is built both ways and I listen to her rant/stresses just as much, if not more than I talk about mine, it just so happens that mine is usually the same thing!

OP posts:
RubyWho · 28/06/2019 13:06

Your mum is being a dick. Sorry, OP.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 28/06/2019 13:07

I think your Mum was right to say don’t reply. If you send a message then he will just send another and then you reply and on it goes.

VivienneHolt · 28/06/2019 13:08

She’s being a total dick. I’m so sorry, and I hope you’re ok Flowers

newmomof1 · 28/06/2019 13:09

If you're not going to follow her advice but then go running to her when it all backfires YABU, and she has every right to be pissed off at you.

womaninthedark · 28/06/2019 13:11

Mothers have issues too. Is she usually a dick?

Tallgreenbottle · 28/06/2019 13:13

Why are you engaging him at all, OP? Grey rock him. Stop enabling it.

JudgeRindersMinder · 28/06/2019 13:15

Her ranting was totally unreasonable and unfair, but I’m afraid he initial advice is what I’d have given. When he’s being a dick like that, it’s all part and parcel of his abuse of you, and by replying, he knows he’s getting to you so he’ll keep going with it. I know it’s really difficult, but when he does that, do not engage in any way, don’t reply to the text, don’t answer the phone, don’t call him. Very easy for me to say I know, but if you can manage that, it’s the first step to you taking back control from him.
I’m in no way belittling what you’re going through, but it does get difficult when someone keeps coming to you for the same issue and appears to do nothing to change the situation, then comes back again for the same issue. Maybe it’s as straightforward as you catching your mum at a bad time?

All that said, you definitely did do the right thing in contacting the police, I know that’s hugely daunting in your position. Don’t minimise his behaviour to them-he’s very much in the wrong

Impatienceismyvirtue · 28/06/2019 13:55

There’s nothing more annoying than being asked for advice then the person totally ignoring it, it all going wrong and then complaining to you again.

While her reaction was OTT and unreasonable, I can see why she’s frustrated.

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