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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To talk to the teacher about this?

20 replies

Twocupsofteaplease · 28/06/2019 07:57

Will try to summarize. DS is in Reception and has a good friend who he plays with a lot. Both are lovely children and generally well behaved. However, together at school, they are silly in the playground and have been told off by teachers a few times now and sent to the Head twice.

The school operates a reward punishment policy so children who misbehave do lose break time. At home, we've followed up as well so there has been a chat and consequences there. What I am finding slightly frustrating is that my DS is being labelled as the instigator by his friend. The one thing DS doesn't do is lie. He will admit when wrong but he will tell the truth. Whether he is instigating or not, I recognise that DS is still at fault. We do try to teach resilience at home. How to say no and walk away. How not to succumb to peer pressure. We also talk about modeling good behaviour as I don't want him leading or being led astray.

What DS is finding frustrating though is that he isn't being believed when the other child points the finger. From what I have personally seen on playdates, my DS is usually the one being led astray (something we need to keep working on as he needs to be accountable for decisions he makes) so it does feel rather unfair that he is also being labelled the instigator when I don't believe he is.

AIBU to speak to the teacher about the latest incident to ask them for an account of what actually happened? As with the previous occasion, I wasn't told by the school that DS had been sent to the Head. I only found out from the other parent who had been told - SAHM so picks up and told then - who on each occasion would message me saying my DS has got her son in trouble. I don't want to engage with the parent. I don't think it's appropriate. I would rather follow up with the school to see if they have concerns. AIBU to do this. I don't want to be __that parent.

For context, I have older children at the school. Neither of the older siblings have ever been told off or sent to the Head and I've never had occasion ever to speak to staff about anything like this. I'm otherwise very engaged with the PTA and volunteering at the school so they do know me well, so also surprised nothing has ever been mentioned to me.

OP posts:

RedSheep73 · 28/06/2019 07:59

If something is bothering you, of course you should speak to the teacher about it!

catchyjem · 28/06/2019 08:05

Yes it's definitely worth speaking to the teacher about.

federationrep · 28/06/2019 08:05

I would. While it sounds like it's maybe 50/50 when it comes to instigating the shenanigans It's not appropriate that they are telling one parent and not the other, allowing them to put their slant on it before informing you. You need the facts from school to be able to follow up correctly at home. But bear in mind the holidays are coming up. I'd be allowing this friendship to cool over the holidays. It doesn't sound like they're the best of influences on each other.

herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 08:32

I don’t quite get what you mean by “instigator”? It sounds like both boys are choosing to be silly, and both pointing the finger at the other, and both parents believing their children. Just tell your son you don’t care who started it, and go from there?

greenwaterbottle · 28/06/2019 08:39

If my child was getting into trouble that got them sent to the head I'd be asking for a sit down with the teacher and setting my child up to make new friendships.
I'd also be telling them they can't play with x at lunch as they don't make good choices.

TheVanguardSix · 28/06/2019 08:46

I think yes. Absolutely.
Being sent to the head already in reception isn’t a great start and you want to nip this in the bud. This can be very demoralising for your LO and school could become a very unhappy place.
If it’s a two form entry school, you could use this as leverage to put them in separate classes in September.
The good thing is, these early years friendships tend to fizzle. Hopefully your DS and this boy will ‘move on’ in year 1.

I had a similar issue. The other child was possessive and just wouldn’t relinquish DD, if that makes sense. So, regardless of talks with teacher and the head, nothing could be done about her actively seeking out DD and drawing her into playground shenanigans.
This is so extreme but we moved schools (for a bigger reason than this but it certainly solved our friendship/playground issues).

newmomof1 · 28/06/2019 09:03

Am I the only one who thinks being sent to the headteacher and losing breaks is an extreme punishment for a 5 year old?

herculepoirot2 · 28/06/2019 09:05

Am I the only one who thinks being sent to the headteacher and losing breaks is an extreme punishment for a 5 year old?

I suppose it depends what you want them to be like when they’re ten.

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 28/06/2019 09:09

I'd speak to the teacher - she or he would probably be very happy to see that a parent was keen to sort the problem out.

Children in Reception now will be in Y1 soon, where losing part of break time is (where I work) entirely standard. They have to be sanctions for poor (rude, dangerous etc) behaviour, and if a child is told that if they carry on or do it again, they will lose half of playtime, it has to be carried through.

Piffle11 · 28/06/2019 09:09

I think I would be asking the teacher to separate them whenever possible. It appears as though not only is this other child continually blaming your DS, his DM is, too. I know they may not remain friends for the rest of their school days, but her attitude isn't going to change, is it? And I agree with @newmomof1 that losing break time is an awful punishment for a 5 year old.

MatchSetPoint · 28/06/2019 09:39

@newmomof1 that’s exactly what I came here on to say, Aren’t all children silly in the playground at five?

mossmurray · 28/06/2019 09:43

I would have a word but due to the fact that both boys are being silly, which you don't deny, but the school are discussing your son with the other parent.
You sound reasonable so just ask to find out exactly what is going on so you can help them deal with it.

mossmurray · 28/06/2019 09:47

not due

PeePooAndPaperOnly · 28/06/2019 10:11

I think you should speak to the teacher to put your mind at rest. If the school had any serious concerns they would have contacted you. Are you sure it's not just the other parent saying these things ?

RedHelenB · 28/06/2019 10:31

I think this is more than being silly. You need to have a chat with the school .

gruffalomom · 28/06/2019 11:14

I would have a chat with the school to ensure you have all the facts, hearing second hand is never good and your child being sent to the head at 4/5 years old is a bit ott !

But I don't think it matters who is instigating at that age (or any really). If both children are misbehaving they need to be responsible for their own behaviour and letting your child think that it matters who has the bright idea to misbehave isn't helpful

Original poster

Twocupsofteaplease · 28/06/2019 12:30

Thanks everyone. I have asked to speak with the Head or class teacher but haven't had a response yet. As you say, I just want the facts so I can work out how best to address. I know 5yos can be silly. However, DS is also sensible enough what my expectations are of his behaviour so it is something I want to nip in the bud and address rather than hope he grows out of it.

Totally agree Gruffalomum that he needs to be responsible for his own behaviour. I don't make excuses for any of my children if they are silly. I did mention in my OP that he needs to be accountable for choices he makes. It's my job as a parent to help him make the right choices and it's harder for me to do this without knowing the full facts in this case. It's just odd that I'm never told by the school - maybe they don't see it as a concern but I think being sent to the Head is a big deal! - so I only have the version from the other parent and this parent only has the version from her 5yo!

I suppose that it is important to me to know that he isn't being blamed unfairly as it is demoralising for him (why tell the truth if he isn't going to be believed?). Also because its informative for me to know whether I need to work on his resilience so he doesn't succumb to peer pressure - I'm thinking ahead to when he's older and silly playground antics turns into something more serious - or whether, if he is instigating, we take a different approach.

Thanks everyone for the advice. Will try and get a response from the school.

OP posts:

RedHelenB · 28/06/2019 13:24

Why are you so willing to believe hes not the instigator? Ime kids egg each other in 6 of one and half a dozen if the other. If he wasnt enjoying the mischief hed be playing with other children.

Frenchmom · 28/06/2019 16:50

From what you have said, i don’t think you would be labelled as ‘that parent ‘.
The only information you seem to be getting is from the other mother. She is the one who is telling you that your son is ‘instigating it.’
I would ask to talk to the teacher as you are

Frenchmom · 28/06/2019 16:51

Oops, posted by mistake.
Talk to the teacher saying you are worried about your son’s behaviour and would like to talk about how to help him. You will probably then find out the true story.

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