AIBU - leave it or complain. School issue.

[IndigoHexagon]

My ds2 is in year 4, just turned 9. He’s been suffering from anxiety for the last year which doesn’t tend to manifest during school, but mornings can be difficult.

At the end of April, a new area school opened merging four smaller ones. As a result my ds has to get a bus to school. This has helped with his anxiety in the mornings as he has the bus journey to calm himself and adjust to me not being there (anxiety is separation based). He also gets the bus home. If there is a change to this, the procedure is that the parent is to ring the school and and inform them that the child will be collected that day and by whom.

He just returned from a two day residential trip - the first time he’s been away, which was a big deal for him. He was exhausted and this morning was slow. In a bid to head off a meltdown, I agreed when he asked me to take him to school in the car. Big mistake. He remembered when we got to the school that he was moving up a year for the day. This change on top of his anxiety triggered a meltdown and he I struggled to get him in the building. He did calm eventually and went in with his class teacher. While we were waiting for the teacher, DS asked if I could pick him up today. I said no as I didn’t have the car. I thought he’d heard and understood.

He normally gets home from the bus at 330pm - the bus stop is 50 paces from out front door. At 325pm I received a text message from my friend to say that he another friend was bringing him home. Basically, he’s told the teacher he thought I might be coming to collect him so instead of checking, the teacher just let him leave the bus queue.
If my friends hadn’t been at the gate, and had known I didn’t have my car this afternoon, he’d have been stuck!
The teacher initially said he’d call me to go get him, but after being told I wouldn’t be able to he let my friend take him.

I have no issue with my friend bringing him home and I’m grateful that they were there and able to deal with the situation on my behalf.

However, I’m not sure whether to raise it with the school as I don’t believe it is my DS fault the school shouldn’t have listened to him! The only reason I’m thinking to let it go, is that I don’t want the blame passed to my ds, in an attempt for the school to pass the buck. They have previous for doing this?

WIBU to let it go? Or should I make a complaint because it’s a safeguarding issue and they need to be made aware their procedure is not watertight?

Perhaps you could have checked that he had heard and understood.
Perhaps you could have contacted the school to ensure they knew what arrangement had been made. Especially as the morning one was a change to the routine.

I think schools should listen to nine year old children when they have something to say.

Perhaps he thought if he said he wasn’t getting the bus, then you would have to collect him. It sounds like he’s had a lot of change recently and is having a difficult time.

He's in year 4, not reception. In year 4, the children at my local primary were allowed to walk home alone, providing parents gave permission. A teacher would believe a child who said his parent was picking him up and let him go to wait.

You should have made sure he understood. Stop blaming everyone else.

YABU Let it go. Check your son is listening.

Crossed wires and no biggie. They didnt let him wander off without an adult, they used common sense and all was ok. Dont see an major safeguarding issue.

In year 4 kids go home with friends a lot, teachers wouldn't be expected to have parental warning before hand, likewise a kid who says his mum is picking him up would be believed.
If you had been picking him but running 5mins late, and they forced him on the bus because you hadn't pre warned them, you'd be pretty pissed off.
I don't think the school did anything wrong here. There was miscommunication between you and your son (possibly deliberately on your son's part) , but the school can't be blamed. It was just one of those things.

Leave it.

School bus system here. The buses will not leave until every child on the list is on board or the escort has seen the parent with a child on the list.

I don't think it's schools fault tbh. I think if his anxiety is an issue & routine changes are a trigger you need to be extra careful & clear if anything different happens: & check he understands, or similar stuff like this will happen, which will increase his anxiety. Calm, organised plans explained clearly, help with anxious children.

I'm with you on this one OP, it's not OK to just let a child go home with another parent because they've said 'I'll take him home'
I have worked in a school where all hell broke loose after a supply teacher let a child go home with another parent and it ended with the schools missing child procedure being activated and police being called because nobody knew where the child had gone.

I'd bring it up with them, and make sure they know your DS is not to go home with anyone without prior communication and he will be getting the bus unless you advise them otherwise.

Also, I sympathise with your situation because DS can't cope with even minor changes to drop off/collection so I either put a note in his lunch bag or call school just before school finishes and one of the office staff pops into his classroom and puts a post it on his desk.

I actually think this is your fault. You changed the routine in the am by bringing him in car. He didn't listen when you told him you couldn't pick him up. You didn't check. Most teachers of 9 year olds would listen if they said they were being picked up. Imagine if she had forced him to get his and you then turned up to collect! They didn't let him wander off. He was collected by a friend and returned home. You need to be clear with your ds.

Thank you all x my inclination was to let it go and you’ve confirmed I should.

@Aroundtheworldin80moves - it’s such a new system and until now they’ve been very strict with it - I couldn’t get through to them last week to say I’d pick him up so chanced it and they wouldn’t let him off the bus as he’d already boarded. I’m just surprised that they didn’t check with the office before taking him at his word. They know he doesn’t have ‘walk home’ permission as it’s too far and there are no footpaths.

I am aware that change is a trigger for him and so have avoided any unnecessary change from the norm as he does cope so much better knowing what is happened and when. We are still leaving the tools to help him with this and I recognise I majorly messed up with this today.

He’s 9 not an infant. My sons school regularly listens to the kids when it comes to things like that. I’m afraid it is either your sons fault if he knew and lied to avoid it or your fault in not being clear.

However it may also be a hidden sen. High anxiety, meltdowns and the possibility he just forgot suggest there may be something else. Perhaps keep an eye out for if there are any other issues. Hidden sens such as dyspraxia can be undetected until fairly late on if they are mild.

School shouldn't have let him go with the random parent (who happened to be a friend) but I don't think the teacher did anything wrong by taking him out of the bus queue when he said he thought you were collecting him.

I just want to add, sorry didn’t mean to ‘drip’

They didn’t hand him over and let him go with another parent - year 4 up aren’t handed to parents - it was only because my friends were collecting their younger children and saw him walk out the inner gate, knowing I wouldn’t be there to collect him, that they called him over and then asked the teacher why he wasn’t on the bus. If they hadn’t of been there, he of been hanging around on his own - and no doubt would have even devastated that I wasn’t there.

And to the posters that mentioned I’d have been cross if the had put him on the bus if I’d have been there, like I said in my last post, it happened when I chanced it last week, and I wasn’t mad - I’m not unreasonable and appreciate procedures are their for a reason but they do need to be followed by all parties.

Why wouldnt they listen to him given that he was 9. I dont think school at fault in any way here.

Well tbh I think the odd experience like this is good . Maybe talk him thru what to do if it happens again, build resilience . Even with dripfeed I dont see school at fault. Hes 9 not 4.

To be honest, I'd expect the teacher to believe a nine year old to know his own arrangements. Particularly if the teacher had seen you that morning so knew he hadn't taken the bus earlier that day.

However, if you think he's a bit unreliable (kids mature at different rates), send a note with him asking the teacher to confirm with you in future if you've not confirmed with them yourself.

He wouldn't have been stuck. He'd already been identified as left behind by a teacher who was going to contact you, and between you you'd have come up with a plan for getting him home (worst case a taxi) - he would not have been left at the gate for hours on his own. The school are already aware of the mix-up. Complaining will do nothing at this point.

I’m with aroundtheworld. Changes to the bus list should be made through the school office. Otherwise, every child on that days list should be on the bus.

It sounds like that’s the policy the school already have anyway. It is worth just letting them know what happened, especially if they were very strict on the rules the other week.

I'm another who thinks you should raise it with the school, even if it's just to clarify the procedure. You could just say that you understand it was a misunderstanding on this occasion, but to prevent a repeat put on his file that he must be on the bus unless you have contacted the school to inform them otherwise.

It's the kind of thing my DD would do so I know how tricky it can be. However, he's 9 and very close to being in year 5. At that age I wouldn't expect teachers to be contacting parents to double check.
In view of the fact he gets a bus to school I would consider getting him a basic phone so he has a way of contacting you himself to check travel arrangements, confirm he's on the bus etc.

School buses aren't the same as going home with a parent or being allowed home by themselves. The children on school transport can live miles from the school (we are about 4 miles, furthest at our school is about 8 miles. Secondary school catchment is about 25 miles). My children are resigtered as being in school from when they are on the bus in the morning until the bus arrives back at our bus stop. Its more the equivalent of letting the 9yo leave half an hour early from school.

They are also not the same as regular buses. A child who catches a regular public bus stops being in the care of the school once they’ve left school. Their parents are responsible for them once they’ve left. On a school bus system either the school or the transport company is responsible for them until they reach the bus stop they are supposed to get off at.

The OP’s DS is fine and got home safely. In the unlikely event something had happened to him the school would have been responsible for him and they had no idea where he was. That’s why the school need to know that their procedure has failed somewhere.

Thank you @Aroundtheworldin80moves and @Rafals - I’m glad there are others who can see my concern and understand how the school bus system works.