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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this cheating?

22 replies

JaneTheVirgin3 · 27/06/2019 15:59

My partner is extremely secretive over his electronics like phone and laptop. He asks to see my phone sometimes and I let him but vice versa he will shout at me and do everything to make sure I don't touch anything. I asked him to use his laptop because mine is a bit busted at the moment and he went upsets to "clear some stuff" before letting me have it.

He said he went out with work friends last weekend but the friend he mentioned isn't even in the country as I found out through social media? We have a 1 year old who is going through a pretty clingy/whiny phase while he's out at 3am with "work friends" and I'm at my wits end. Am I reading too much into it? His excuse is that he earns all the money so he should be free to do whatever. Not long ago he was planning a holiday abroad with mates and wasn't going to let me know about it until I found flights abroad on the history.

OP posts:

Meowington · 27/06/2019 16:01

Cheating or not he sounds like a total asshole and you deserve better! I’d off-load him regardless. What a shit attitude he has towards you!

Howlovely · 27/06/2019 16:04

Your partner is a shit.
He doesn't seem to show you any respect or even basic courtesy. What was his excuse when you exposed his lie regarding who he was out with?
Saying because he earns the money he can do what he like a is bordering on abusive.

Ohyesiam · 27/06/2019 16:05

He earns all the money so he should have freedom.
Ok, so if you paid for wrap around childcare, laundry, cleaning, a cook, ironing, household admin, housekeeper how much do you think that would add up to?
Google how much those services cost( not easy with a clingy one year old I know) and present that to him. Your input is worth loads.
And that’s before we get to the lies and secrecy.

So sorry op, you’re in a horrible situation

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 27/06/2019 16:06

^ as above

Original poster

JaneTheVirgin3 · 27/06/2019 16:06

His excuse was that I obviously don't trust him enough.

OP posts:

LittleGoose000 · 27/06/2019 16:08

Reading threads like this make me angry. I can't believe how much shit some people put up with. You deserve better.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/06/2019 16:14

Oh dear lord. Another one of these.

Why are you putting up with being treated like a piece of shit? Just leave him. You and your DC can do much, much better.

I'm guessing he does no childcare or housework either and justifies this as well because 'he earns all the money'. Arsehole.

Original poster

JaneTheVirgin3 · 27/06/2019 16:16

I put up because as cliche as it sounds, I am afraid of not coping alone . I would move to my family if I could and set myself up but my mum lives abroad and my dad only has a 1 bed flat. My aunt currently has cancer and 2 young kids and doesn't have enough space anyway, so I wouldn't dare put my burden on her with what she's going through. We are married too, it just frightens me of bringing up "divorce" because I know how it will end. Has anyone ever experienced this?

OP posts:

NCforthis2019 · 27/06/2019 16:19

jesus christ - why are you with someone who thinks so little of you? Your child will be watching their fathers every move - is this what you want?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/06/2019 16:20

Do you have any money at all? Could you get a PT job and start earning?

BadBear · 27/06/2019 16:24

What @Ohyesiam said. If I hear one more woman saying that her partner is telling her that because he's earning all the money he can do whatever he wants, I will start going around their houses setting their "partners" ablaze!

Even the trust excuse is a shitty one! Why would you trust someone who acts this way. Trust is earned. Not to mention that he is going through your devices! It will be best for you if you start thinking about ways out. There must be a way that you can manage on your own even if it's a long-term escape plan. He will only get worse.

Original poster

JaneTheVirgin3 · 27/06/2019 16:26

The money is in his account - again because he earns all the money. My concern is finding a place to live, I know council can take a very long time and I don't know the process. Also childcare if I was to pt work, how expensive is it?

OP posts:

littleyellowwellies · 27/06/2019 16:30

Is he violent OP?

I get the feeling you're scared of him... I might be wrong.

But it feels like you're totally controlled by him.

SignedUpJust4This · 27/06/2019 16:32

I guarantee hes up to no good. That's besides the point though. He doesn't see you as an equal. He treats you like dirt. This isn't a healthy relationship OP.

Original poster

JaneTheVirgin3 · 27/06/2019 16:37

He's never been physically abusive to me. I am scared that it could happen.

OP posts:

JoJoSM2 · 27/06/2019 16:37

Call Womens Aid. They should be able to advise.

He's a horrible husband.

littleyellowwellies · 27/06/2019 16:38

Just from reading your first post I'm worried that he could turn violent,

Please get some advice from women's aid

Original poster

JaneTheVirgin3 · 27/06/2019 16:40

thank you ladies for your advice

OP posts:

BonitaBonita · 27/06/2019 16:43

It's not his money. It's your families money. Divorce him, take control.

Shootingstar1115 · 27/06/2019 17:33

Sounds like a right knob. Ofc your life doesn’t have to stop when you have a baby but he sounds incredibly selfish.

You have to work together as a couple, you can’t just do things with mates like you used to when you become a dad. Even worse that he didn’t even tell you.

Does he give you any money? When you have a family keeping it for yourself for holidays is incredibly self centred.

Sounds like you would be better off without. I’ve been there. DS’s dad was similar. Told me to give up work to be SAHM. Never provided, spent all his money on things for himself mainly nights out and I had nothing.

I was better off without in the long run.

What’s your housing situation? Are you private renting. Is it in his name or yours? Or do you own??

If the house is privately rented you could apply for housing benefit if he moved out??

I know it’s not that easy though. Hugs 🤗

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/06/2019 17:59

He earns all the money so he keeps it all? So your contribution around childcare, house, facilitating his job, cooking etc is worth zero both financially and practically, according to him?

You're married, you're supposed to be equal partners

How do you manage for money? Do you have to ask him for everything or get an allowance? Do you get holidays and treats if you want them?

You really really need to look into working OP. He either gives you access to his lonely or pays for childcare so you can earn your own. Its expensive but he should pay for it since he is forcing you to work.

You need to plan to leave him. It sounds like you are his unpaid servant and he is abusing you financially at least

Look into getting a job. Even if only evenings if childcare will prove too costly. Downplay what it pays. Start building up a stash of cash that you keep safe from him. Keep records of everything. Take copies of all documents - wage slips, house deeds, savings, bank accounts. Speak to a solicitor or citizens advise. Google childcare near you. Google council housing. Speak to a housing officer. Take some action

To be honest if he is cheating they are probably welcome to him.

Flamingnora123 · 27/06/2019 18:58

Why would you pay the childcare if you left him? You go 50/50 on custody and he can pay for childcare when he's in charge. If you get a job now and get childcare you should pay relative to your earnings. It's total bullshit that it's "his money", if that's how he feels tell him you're going to work full time and you can split all extra costs. He won't like that as you'll have independence and your own money and he will be worse off. He honestly sounds like a total fucker.

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