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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go NC with sister

22 replies

LetItGoForGood · 27/06/2019 15:42

Whilst we were fairly close growing up, she bullied me quite badly too. She’s very controlling and even our parents admit this. She was apparently very jealous when I was born (4 years between us) and our parents never fully addressed this, instead gave in to all of her demands and tantrums because they felt so guilty about upsetting her by having another child.

As adults she was the first to get married and have children and since she met her husband 10 years ago, she has essentially cut me out of her life. I wasn’t invited to her hen do and she chose 3 of her friends to be bridesmaids but not me. Fair enough, it’s her decision but I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.

Every year they have a Xmas party which I am never invited to. My parents feel guilty about this and do chasten her but ultimately they say they can’t force her to invite me. And obviously they don’t want to spoil their relationship with the grandchildren.

My mother says it’s breaking her heart that we don’t get along. But what can I do? I can’t make my sister like me if she pretends I don’t even exist!

I’m so fed up of chasing my sister for a relationship and the last straw was when she rejected my request on Facebook. I thought “fuck you then” and am considering giving back as good as I get by going NC with her. It’s her birthday coming up and normally I send her a card and a small gift but this year I’m considering ignoring it like she does mine.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Stressedout10 · 27/06/2019 15:45

Yanbu

PeePooAndPaperOnly · 27/06/2019 15:45

Very sad for your parents but you can't change her
I would not send a card

coffeeaddiction · 27/06/2019 15:46

Absolutely go no contact with her , it's clearly what she's done to you .
To be honest I'm unsure on why you would want any contact with her when she has been so vile for years !
Ask yourself if you gain anything in your life from her - if the answer is no then don't give her a second thought

CoraPirbright · 27/06/2019 15:49

How pathetic of her that she can’t even have you as a friend on Fb!! I have a friend who had a similar bullying dynamic with her sister and she has gone nc - absolutely the best thing she ever did. The peace it brings her is not to be underestimated and it really sounds like you are flogging a dead horse trying to have a relationship with your sister. Dont be surprised if she kicks up a fuss though - I doubt she is going to like it that you are taking the reigns and cutting her out. In her mind, she is the one who does that to you and she wont like that dynamic altering!

Guadalquivir19 · 27/06/2019 15:49

Cut her out, well it won't be hard to do as there isn't any contact any way. Just get on with your life and maintain a relationship with your parents. Why have a relationship with someone who treats you like shit. If your sister was an unrelated person, would you want to be friends with them? That should be your answer.

Original poster

LetItGoForGood · 27/06/2019 15:50

@coffeeaddiction

Thats a good question I’ve been asking myself too. I think it’s because when we were children, we did play together although I see now that that was mainly during holidays when she wasn’t able to see her schoolfriends! I was the boredom reliever I think until term time started again. I miss having a sister and feel such a pang when I see other people enjoy relationships with their siblings.

OP posts:

H2OH20Everywhere · 27/06/2019 15:54

That's really sad, but YABU. Definitely ignore her birthday - she'll probably complain, but you can say that you thought that was what you were doing now, since you never get anything from her. Hopefully your parents won't try to persuade you to change your mind.

One thing I would say is make sure your privacy on FB is as tight as you can get it. Just because she won't accept a FR from you doesn't mean to say she won't use FB to snoop on you if you can.

Good luck, and stand firm. x

Hadalifeonce · 27/06/2019 15:56

My sister has gone NC with her daughter, as have I, the relationship was becoming so very hard for my sister, and was a constant cause of distress, we spoke about it often; I then asked her if she wasn't her daughter would she make so much effort, she knew the answer was no, so is NC, and so much happier for it.
If trying to maintain a relationship is that difficult and stressful for you, is it really worth the effort?

Howlovely · 27/06/2019 15:59

I think it would do wonders for you to make the decision to just go your separate ways. No expectations, no hopes of a relationship, in fact no thoughts about her what so ever. It's sad but it sounds like you'll never have the type of relationship you want with her anyway. It reads a bit like you're a puppy she keeps kicking.
You've done your best and she doesn't appreciate or respect you so she doesn't deserve you in my opinion.

DingDongDenny · 27/06/2019 16:25

I don't think you need to worry about going NC with your sister, she's already made the choice for you. It's a one way street

Conflicted121 · 27/06/2019 16:28

I would and have gone NC. Much like you, my sister was practically ignoring me anyway. When I decided to draw a line under it and go NC for my own health there was major upset with my parents. They didn’t want to see the upset my sister he caused me over the years.

I mourned a relationship that I never really had for a couple of years.

We were very close growing up and I look back on them times fondly. I finally accept that we both went in different directions and no longer have that bond. We will never get it as she is not capable of compassion.

Jupiters · 27/06/2019 16:39

YANBU, however it looks like she's already gone NC with you, so shouldn't be too tricky to maintain.

Scorpiovenus · 27/06/2019 16:47

No my sister did this to me. I found the one and moved away from family home, mind you I'm in my 30s and she just went into a jealous overload. Kept going on my relationship will fail, and I'm a looser etc etc. And crazy making behaviour. My dad would give me stuff and she would call the police so my poor 82 year old father had to give a interview to clear it up every time, so I let her gop no contact and ignored her hovering for attention after also. Its hard but she will never get better.

I tried for a year to play to her narcisstic tune, be the adult and the one with self control. I now have no one but my dad to talk to as all family is abroad, so I just deal. Its hard at first but gets easier :D

Original poster

LetItGoForGood · 27/06/2019 16:49

Yes, good point about her already having gone NC.

It’s just that I know she’s going to turn it around to family members and make out that I’ve cut her off. She has form for this. When she didn’t invite me to her engagement party and hen do, she told everyone that I was “too busy” to come. Needless to say I was shocked when a family member gently told me that I was being selfish by not prioritising her wedding. In fact I was so bloody shocked that I just took it like a lemon when I would have immediately put her straight.

OP posts:

SummerCharl · 27/06/2019 17:15

Do NC. You are not under any obligation to keep allowing bullying in your life - whether they are your relation or not. Thing is - clearly she is going to slag you off no matter what you do. She is going to make out she is the victim no matter what you do. So you might as well cut her loose and ignore her shenanigans.

CSIblonde · 27/06/2019 17:20

It sounds like you are best off out of it. It's not good for your self esteem to be trying with no response & her lies & manipulation in return. If you're worried re her turning it round/upset to your parents, don't formally tell her or anyone, just quietly stop the trying.

MyOpinionIsValid · 27/06/2019 17:23

since she met her husband 10 years ago, she has essentially cut me out of her life. I wasn’t invited to her hen do and she chose 3 of her friends to be bridesmaids but not me.

Every year they have a Xmas party which I am never invited to

I send her a card and a small gift but this year I’m considering ignoring it like she does mine.

she rejected my request on facebook

@LetItGoForGood - she's already gone NC with you, for what ever reason. Remember, if she were bringing her issues to this forum, she would be told she owes no one any explanations.

Just let the relationship fade. Don't bother with cards etc. Ok it upsets your mum, but at least if you don't see your sister, or attempt to, then there is no big falling out is there? Unfortunately, your parents created this situation:

She was apparently very jealous when I was born (4 years between us) and our parents never fully addressed this, instead gave in to all of her demands and tantrums because they felt so guilty about upsetting her by having another child.

Stop feeling like you are second best, because you aren't

SnowdropFox · 27/06/2019 17:24

Don't give her a second more of your time and don't feel guilty about that at all. No need to make any issue of it, just go NC.

If she decides one day to try a relationships great, if not it's no big issue. Don't let it stress you for a second more.

Whatsername7 · 27/06/2019 17:30

In all honesty, I think I'd be worried about the 'why'. Everyone has a reason why they cut people out. Id be concerned about her husband - id be worried as to why she cut you out when he came along.

Original poster

LetItGoForGood · 27/06/2019 17:48

@Whatsername7

I have no idea what she told him about me but he has never been interested to get to know me at all. On thevery few occasions we’ve had a conversation, he always expresses surprise that we get along as if he was expecting me to be a complete fool.

OP posts:

Provincialbelle · 27/06/2019 18:15

What a horrible person she sounds. Go NC, you’ll never regret it

CoraPirbright · 28/06/2019 08:01

On thevery few occasions we’ve had a conversation, he always expresses surprise that we get along as if he was expecting me to be a complete fool

This ^^ plus the relative who thought you were being selfish makes me think that she tells people all sorts of nonsense about you. Cant imagine why you stood there and let this relative tell you this and didnt put them right? She is busy spinning all sorts of lies about you - be prepared to put people straight!! Why does she deserve your silence/compliance??

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