I want a baby but am frightened

[ktitm]

I am 38 and DP is 42. I had a stillbirth (She was healthy, it was due to birth complications) at 20 years old and losing my little girl was the most traumatic experience of my life. I vowed never to get pregnant ever again incase history repeated itself. God only knows how I got through it. A couple of years afterwards I managed to get my life back on track somewhat and became a legal seceratary and was one for 15 years, I only quit recently. I had various relationships and fell pregnant again and had a termination at 8 weeks as I couldn't bear the thought.

I met DH 5 years ago and we have been together since. He has a 15 year old son and we own our own house. DH was always insistent he didn't want anymore kids and so was I. This is part of the reason we went so well together. I love him very much and we have nice times. And DSS is great, he's a lovely lad and I enjoy having him stay as he always makes me laugh. It wasn't until a few months ago that things went downhill. It was around DD's 18th birthday that my feelings towards having a baby began to change. I can't explain it. I think maybe with her turning 18 my subconcsious felt it was "okay" to think about it now? I don't know, but the feelings have been intense. I haven't told DH.

I have tried to brush away these feelings but I can't. I can't imagine myself in a years time without a baby. I feel physically empty in my chest. My age worries me as well, my mum had me at 36 and I was fine but it still worries me. I could only try if I knew it was going to be okay, but I can never know that can I? But also life is too short. DH is amazing and I think he'd understand and if he saw how much it meant to me then he'd come round and we would try. But I just can't bring myself to speak to him.

I'm not sure why I am posting, I just needed to speak about it somewhere IYSWIM.

Gosh, I don't have anything experience or relevant advice, but couldn't just read and run. I'm so sorry your lost your DD, that must have been just horrific.

I can only suggest being very honest with your DH and telling him exactly what you've written here. Acknowledge that you'd both previously agreed not to have any more children, but that your feelings have changed.

You may need to be prepared for him not to want this though. But what ever happens, I wish you all the best.

Agree with the PP - you have to talk to your DH.
What a desperately difficult situation.

And I'm so sorry you lost your DD

I think you should talk to your DH about it. Everyone panics about all manner of things during pregnancy but your anxiety will understandably be very high; do you have a good support network to help you through that? Organisations like Bliss and Sands help parents who've lost a child, so they might have useful people for you to talk things through with.

I'm sorry your DD didn't get a chance at life, the pain of losing her must have been awful so I'm not surprised it's taken you this long to start thinking about having another child. From within the womb babies hear our voices so she would have known you to love you too.

Oh OP I’m so sorry for your loss. What is your daughter’s name?

You sound more than ready to have a child, please don’t feel scared or guilty. You will get extra support if you tell your midwife about your daughter and your second pregnancy.

I wish you all the very best ❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss- that must have been awful for you. You are completely not unreasonable to feel the way you do, and considering what you went through its understandable that you have hugely conflicted feelings about the whole process. Is there anyone else you can take to about this before broaching it with your husband? Help you organise your thoughts and try and make sense of what you want? It sounds like your husband is lovely though, so if you can talk to him it sounds like he would hear you out without putting pressure on you, when you're ready to discuss your options.

I'm so sorry for your loss and this is a difficult situation. It sounds like you not wanting to have kids came from a place of fear and not from just not wanting children. It is totally understandable. You should tell everything to your husband that you have written here. You do need to acknowledge that you agreed not to have kids so make sure you don't pressure him, let him have time to think about it and respect his decision. It's a big turn around for him. If you do and up deciding to have a child, share the worries with the doctor and midwife.

So sorry about the loss of your daughter. I can only suggest that you open up about your feelings to DH. I send you my very best wishes for the future and hope that you get the happy ending you so deserve.

So sorry for the loss of your daughter. Echoing other PP - speak to your DH. There would be support available to you in another pregnancy from your GP and midwife. All the best OP.