Long time lurker here. Am going to be honest. Am feeling so low and have a pity party going on and hoping for an honest perspective on a family situation.
My son, partner and grandson live in a different country to me – not far away – a ferry would get you here. They’re in their 30s and been together about 9 years.
My partner took my son on some 20 years ago and treated him as though he was his. Bio father never bothered to set up any contact, had nothing to do with them and didn’t pay a penny towards their keep. No involvement from ExH's family either – from grandparents to siblings. They knew where we lived yet there were no birthday cards, Christmas cards, visits, nothing.
Son and partner now live near her family and see them frequently, as you would expect. The grandparents are lovely people and am glad GS has lots of love and fun in his life.
Now for the dark clouds. Son and partner always broke. We’ve helped out hugely – last year amounted to about £5000. The last grand was to help them move. Not been invited over, not sent any pictures of the house. Like our involvement was purely for money.
We also send nice sums of money for each of their birthdays and Christmas. We sent £150 for the GS’s 3rd birthday recently but never got told what it went on. Had to nag son for pictures of him on his birthday. Asked if they had a party – apparently, they had a small one at grandparents and only invited people ‘round that way’. No pictures or happy updates.
I asked the partner about Instagram and she recently gave me access to an account she’d set up focusing on the GS so I get to see pics that way but the thing is, I just don’t feel we’re special.
We sent money for partner’s birthday and both of us followed up with a message to wish her a happy birthday and ask what she was planning, anything nice, etc. Got a Thanks, probably going somewhere xxx. But my partner’s birthday? Cards but no message. We don’t expect presents but it would be nice if she just sent a personal message. Son sends a message as well and gives us a call.
And recently, more money problems. Always money problems. Always short. The rub is, if they get money from partner’s family, it’s a loan and has to be paid back.
So I tried being a bit tougher and said I was short (which I was – dog and vet bills) and would have to be repaid. He said his partner had savings in an account but had mislaid passbook and was waiting for new one in post and would pay us back as soon as it arrived (approx. 10 days).
Fortnight later, son didn’t know if passbook had come but was now saying he couldn’t afford to pay us back that month… and was still short… so I sent a couple of hundred to help out. Stupid cow me?
I go from being worried about their situation to feeling hurt that we’re not included in their everyday lives. They come over maybe once a year – we pay their travel costs and take them out and about most days they’re here and send them back with presents. They don’t have much money but usually bring us some presents and will buy a bottle of wine to go with our evening meals now and again. I feel like they try to bring us something nice and appreciate that they do this for us.
He always thanks us for money and says what a huge help it is and thank you so much, etc. But then we’ll hardly hear from him for a while. To be fair, he will occasionally send a quick message about something or ask how we are but it’s not frequent.
I’m venting, I suppose, and crying. Am probably a soft twat for worrying about them and wanting to help. I don’t want to buy love, just want to help them get on their feet but it hurts so much to feel outside of their bubble until money worries come up again.
I don’t know how to handle the situation. My heart aches for some love and to have more involvement. My head tells me they’re self-absorbed and selfish. The cynic in me says she doesn’t like us (I am pretty sure she doesn’t) and is quite happy that we’re out of things and we’re mugs to help out so much.
What should I do? He’s my only son and don’t want to alienate him, partner and GS. Are they CFs? Are we mugs? What would you do? Am I being stupidly sensitive and feeling slighted?