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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum thinks I am!

17 replies

Mercy · 26/07/2007 15:13

Basically my mum is coming to stay with us soon and I have just discovered (via my mum) that my brother has also decided to come and stay for part of the time that she is here.

The reasons why I'm annoyed are

a)my brother is self-employed and has no children so as far as I'm concerned he can visit my mum anytime (or arrange for her to stay with him)

b)he hasn't asked me if it's ok for him to stay

My mum thinks I am being unreasonable and that my brother shouldn't need an invitation.

Whereas I think they are both being unreasonable because the children and I are limited as to when we can see my mum and we can see my brother anytime (even though we don't). And on a practical level it will be very cramped with both of them here.

Any thoughts?

OP posts:
belgo · 26/07/2007 15:14

of course your brother should ask you first!

MuminBrum · 26/07/2007 15:15

I don't think you're being unreasonable, but your poor mum probably has visions of how lovely it will be for her to be with both her chicks at the same time. My mum gets into this kind of sentimental mood about seeing more than one of her three daughters at once.

hayley2u · 26/07/2007 15:15

doubt you can realy say much. could your mum not ention to him that it may be too much for you and surely your children want to spend quality time with their nan. but thats brothers for you. mine are the same they dont think bout things like us in fact usually causing misery lol

Saturn74 · 26/07/2007 15:16

Is he an adult?
If so, he needs to contact you and ask if it is OK for him to stay.
And if it will be too cramped, then the answer is going to be no.
Does your mum realise that he is a grown-up?

gringottsgoblin · 26/07/2007 15:16

tell him he cant stay if you dont have room. how would your mum react if you suggested all staying with her? if you know she will be horrified make the suggestion to get your point across! my brother is also thoughtless. not sure if its a man thing or a childfree thing

heifer · 26/07/2007 15:19

bet your mum thinks it will be great to get you all together just like the old days....

although obviously in reality it will be nothing like the old days (except perhaps that your brother still bugs the hell out of you and your mum probably still treats you like a 10 year old at times)

I understand why you are cheesed off, especialyl if you don't get to spend much time with your mum - just ask your brother to come for a night or 2 and no longer...

puppydavies · 26/07/2007 15:21

your brother can't invite himself without asking!

in his defence if you don't see him very much maybe he finds the interaction easier with your mum there too. i know that i find it easier to visit relations i only see rarely if i'm with my mum who knows them better. but this is your bro, i can't imagine the feeling awkward thing really applies

Twiglett · 26/07/2007 15:22

actually I don't think your brother should need an invitation either .. and I think the whole 'we want to see her alone and can see brother any time' doesn't hold up actually

face it you'll all be fed up with each other in an hour anyway

If you don't have space call him and suggest a local hotel and times for him to visit

agnesnitt · 26/07/2007 15:26

I think it's rude to expect to be housed without asking first. Damned rude, family or not.

Agnes

Original poster
Mercy · 26/07/2007 15:33

Thanks for your replies so far! I was hoping to be told I'm the one being unreasonable because I really don't understand their pov.

My brother and I both live in London so there's no need for him to stay over as far as I'm concerned - my mum lives 200 miles away.

OP posts:
agnesnitt · 26/07/2007 15:34

Maybe your brother is hoping to be mollycoddled for a few days. Just say no. If he's 'local' there's no need to make it more stressful for you and the kids. Remember it's your house, not theirs

Agnes

Original poster
Mercy · 26/07/2007 16:01

Agnes, you have hit the nail on the head! That's pretty much what he'll be expecting tbh (he can be like that even when he comes on his own). Poor baby, he's only 37!

If my bro and I got on really well I wouldn't mind so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mercy · 26/07/2007 18:39

Right, I have spoken to my mum and she agrees they shouldn't have arranged this without including me, but I still get the impression bro can do no wrong

Have also discussed this with dh and am feeling a bit more positive about the situation. I have agreed to 2 days (but I get the feeling I will have to bite my tongue during that time)

OP posts:
agnesnitt · 26/07/2007 18:45

I'd make it clear that the brother has to pull his weight though. BE strong, slap him with a wet kipper. Threaten him with the wrath of mumsnet if it comes to it

Agnes

Original poster
Mercy · 26/07/2007 18:51

I'll do my best, Agnes!

OP posts:
dal21 · 26/07/2007 19:05

YANBU - I havent read the posts, just the OP. I have had this problem since both brother and I live in London. I make all the plans to invite her to stay with us so i get some quality time with her and then the question of brother and his family comes into play - boundaries started getting crossed and one day it came to a head and caused a fairly major argument. I love my brother to bits but he drives me nuts and he is really very thoughtless.

The situation has been resolved by my talking to my mum and agreeing that if she comes to see me, then that is that. Otherwise if she wants to involve bro and his fam - she makes plans with them. They obv. come round for dinner and stuff, but no more than that (and that is only if we make plans directly, never via my mum). Although it isnt the family utopia i would have liked to have, everyone is far happier with the situation as is.

Original poster
Mercy · 26/07/2007 20:32

That sounds fair enough to me dal.

I do wonder if my brother resents the amount of time (such as it is) my mum spends with my children (and threfore me). But at the end of the day that's for them to sort out - just as you have said.

OP posts:
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