To think that housework should be split equally even if one of you works from home?

[SheWhoShouldNotBeNamed]

Just that really.

If one of you works from home 2 days per week and the other works FT in an office, is it unreasonable to think that household chores should still be split equally?

I think I'm feeling this more acutely as I've been horrendously ill with chicken pox for the last couple of weeks and now I'm faced with getting the house back in order. I work 3 days per week in an office and then work from home the remaining 2. DH works nights - week on, week off.

It seems like the onus is on me, on my days at home, to pick up the slack in the housework. I do the majority of the cooking and pretty much all of the cleaning. DH will tidy but he is hopeless at cleaning (I.e. will put the pots away but not wipe the sides, clean the floors or clean the toilet unless asked outright). He will also do a load of washing but instead of hang it up, just leave it in a pile somewhere for me to put away.

I feel a bit resentful to be honest that all my spare time in the evenings is taken up by doing jobs that he has let build up. And sometimes this bleeds through into my days off. There are some things I can't do at night (such as tidying and cleaning DDs bedroom). These things could be done by him on his week off during the day or even when he wakes in an afternoon. But of course it isn't.

Feeling a little bit frustrated today. We've spoken about it before but he still remains hopeless in taking the initiative. Perhaps drawing up a rota or schedule would help make it clear who is expected to do what and when?

It really depends on hours worked and commute doesnt it.

If one person has, for example an hours commute each way, and the other works from home, then the WFH has 10 extra hours 'free time' a week, or 40 hours a month which is in effect on whole working week.

I have never understood the whole drama round housework. What is it that seems to take so long for everyone?

You should both have equal free time, so if he is working 40 hours and you are working 40 hours, you should split the chores 50/50. But are you working the entire day during your WFH days? When I did WFH days I would really only 'work' around my appts, the time in between was for chores/TV. If you were like me, I'd say you should be doing more of the housework then.

That said, even in a house with two adults and a child, how is there enough building up that it takes up all your spare time in the evening?

I get both points.

Both our commutes to the office is about 10 mins by car, so no great shakes.

When I WFH I might put a load of washing on or sweep the floor when I have a bit of downtime or have a break, but I schedule client work into blocks and can sometimes be on from 8am-5:30pm when DD comes home from nursery. Then, in the evenings I will cook, feed DD, get her ready for bed. Then I'll wash the pots and clean the kitchen, fold and put away washing, etc. When all is said and done I probably sit down to some me time at about 8/8:30pm.

Don't get me wrong, if I'm having a quiet week I have no problem doing some housework. But I feel like he thinks being at home means I have spare time and that's not the case. Even when I have no scheduled work, I need to be marketing myself, networking, etc. Or else I would get no more work. So I need that time. It really bleeds through to the daytime when things have accumulated and I need to catch up. For example, having been ill there are piles of washing everywhere, the bathrooms haven't been cleaned and kitchen floors need doing.

Having all this in tandem with working and packing for holiday is getting me down. I think the timing is just all wrong because I feel guilty for not working but I also feel guilty for not getting the housework done. And I feel he isn't pulling his full weight.

you need to compare the hours you work with the hours + commute he does.

Whilst you are working from home, you can just about deal with a load of laundry and put a meal in the oven to reheat, but working hours are just that, working hours.

We do all the chores first thing in the morning, so our evenings and weekends are free.

I hate mess and I hate wasting my life cleaning and tidying up so it's so much quicker to keep on top of everything regularly.

of course draw a rota if you need.
You do need to be realistic about your DH: is he playing the "incompetent" card to be left out of chores, or does he just do things differently and it's your own opinion that it's not at your standard?

I have seen a lot of women complain about their DH but it turned out they just don't do things their wife's way, but they still do them. Making clear what is expected and needed from everyone would help.

DH and I have split things, and I am not getting involved AT ALL in his area, like the kids clubs. I don't think about it, don't deal with it - will give a lift or help if he asks me, but I don't think about it.

Works for us.

My dh is home based and I have a mammoth commute and longer hours, so he does the bulk of the housework / shopping.

We work pretty similar hours. He works 12 hour shifts and because I am freelance I total between 10-12hours unless work really dips. But then my time is taken up by putting myself out there for more work. Difference is, I don't get the break he does. My weeks are relentless.

There is no doubt that he works hard. I think nights are so difficult to work around and I get that he needs time to decompress and get back into a 'normal' routine on his weeks off. I just feel the weight of keeping on top of everything is squarely on my shoulders and the onus is on me to either do it or delegate! I think it's more the case of being backed up. Like my work isn't important despite the fact my hard work has changed our lifestyle for the better recently.

This and the cats not understanding that I am working not stroking is the one thing that I really dislike about working at home. I am increasingly to be found pointing out how many hours I work, the amount that I bring home and the luxuries we can afford because of that.

Well he's just lazy isn't he.

And he's got you so trained at doing it all you're not even sure if you should question it.

Do a rota. Tell him you've had enough. Start not doing his washing etc as you don't have time.

You both sound pretty busy. Is hiring a cleaner an option?

If you are entirely home based is there scope to make your work go around your schedule? My DH has a professional job but as it’s home based if he decides to watch the footie for the afternoon, he can catch up in the evenings with no impact to deadlines. If it’s the same for you then your job, while feeling relentless, probably isn’t compared to an office job.

What happens when he is home for his week off OP? What does he do in those 7 days?

@MyFuzzyBoy
Hiring a cleaner may be an option in six months or so. But not right now.

@GenuineKlatchianPottery

Not much happens on his weeks off. I tend to try and leave the house and work elsewhere when he is in because I find it too much of a distraction. He will play golf, see his parents, and sleep mainly. Don't get me wrong, he will do a wash or cook on the odd occasion, so he's not entirely useless. But he won't look at what needs doing (like put clothes away) and actually action this. I think he's perfectly happy with piles of washing all over the place.

This is one of the reasons I’m staying childfree. The division of chores/childcare is almost never 50/50 and the majority seems to always fall on to the woman!

I work from home all the time; but I'm working, not cleaning. DP is currently working 10 minutes away. I wash up in the morning before I start work and sometimes I'll walk up to meet him to do the shopping, but otherwise we share responsibilities outside of work time.

He'll work an hour away from mid-July, I'll use the spare 2 hours to do a bit more probably - especially while he's settling in - but we will still share.

Why do you work from home?

I would definitely expect him to do more, but working from home would allow you to do a tiny bit more.

I think he's perfectly happy with piles of washing all over the place.
What you need to do is split the jobs to play to your respective strengths. So if he doesn't like putting the washing away but you can't cope with it out then you put it away. But in return he puts the wash on, or hoovers, or cuts the grass or whatever. So neither of you is forced to do jobs that don't matter to you because the other does them.

Your DH is taking the piss out of you. He should be doing at least 50% of the housework, and possibly more if he doesn't do childcare on his weeks off and just has every other week off to do sod all. Working from home is still working. You should not be expected to do housework whilst WFH. Why have you put up with his behaviour even this long? Stern words need to be had!

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

I work from home because I'm a freelancer. I work in office for a regular client 3 days per week, and the other 2 I work from home.

@chuttypicks

I honestly didn't think I saw it as clear as I do now. I did feel a bit ground down before but I was on top of it so it was easier. Having been ill I've realised just how much I do and how little he does. I love the bones of him and I know he's not perfect, but I definitely do think we need to draw a line in the sand and be clear about who does what.

I would definitely expect him to do half, as his commute is short. I'd only expect to pick up the slack if working from home meant I had lots more free time in the day. Also, if my oh was ill with chicken pox I'd take on a bit extra so the house kept ticking over.

Maybe what you could do is talk about the priorities you both have for the house (keeping kitchen counters clean/loo cleaned once a week etc), and agree on them? It might be easiest to give each of you tasks to 'own' i.e. I'm in charge of the kitchen surfaces and mopping/you're in charge of the loo. That way you can both try and do the tasks you dislike least.

It's a difficult one though if you both simply have different standards and priorities for house cleaning. Might take a bit of compromise from both sides

@SolsticeBabyMaybe

I agree with you. I think we definitely do need to know who is responsible for what. I absolutely have no problem with doing extra should he work overtime or have other commitments and can't do it.

I think I probably need to meet him in the middle too somewhere. I don't think he feels the same way as me about the house and how it should look/feel. I'm one of those people who can't concentrate if I feel like I'm surrounded by chaos!

Can he do some cooking W/E or on week off.,Just Spag Bol ,Sausages whatever is easy .Slow cookers are good as well: in pot before 10 am ready by 6pm !.I tend to tumble dry quite a bit .no ironing !!.Can he do the hoovering ?.You mop floor am ditto bathroom ?.Order food shop online .Maybe have a "one off "deep clean /tidy up .many companies offer this which may help you to feel more in control after your illness?.Sometimes you have to say outright "you go Hoovering ,I can do washing etc for them to take the bait TBH!