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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Need relationship advice urgently please!

14 replies

Confused2021 · 27/06/2019 09:15

Me and my partner have been together 3 years and live together (no kids together or from previous relationships ).

At the very start of our relationship he didn’t treat me very well as he keep changing his mind about whether he wanted to be with me or not and it really messed with my head. A few months later it all calmed down and we became serious. He admitted to me that he had been confused at the beginning because I was overweight and he prefers slim toned figures like his ex.
I was obviously mortified and felt completely humiliated that he would compare us like that. I was 3 stone overweight at the time but he knew this from day 1.

I have since lost most of the weight and we try and put all of that stuff behind us so we can be happy together. He has apologised profusely and realises it was an awful thing to say (he’s not known for his tact at the best of times). He tells me every day I’m beautiful and the love of my life etc. Everything appears perfect between us now apart from that black cloud which I can’t shake.

Every couple of weeks I remember what he said and I start getting really passive aggressive with him and need loads of reassurance. It happened again last night and he admitted he can’t take much more of it as he’s apologised a million times and I need to work on dealing with it or the relationship will be destroyed.

He is still very close with this ex and even spent part of Christmas Day with her and her family when he went home (we come from different parts of the country so spend Christmas apart at the moment).
She is happily married to someone else and they (my partner and her) were together over 10 years ago so I have no reason to believe there is anything going on between them other than friendship. My partner is very close to her dad which is why he spends time with them all.

How can I get over this obsessive jealousy and insecurity I have with his ex? Is it even possible or is the relationship doomed? I perhaps need some counselling but I don’t even know where to begin with it all.

I feel so angry that he planted this seed of insecurity in my head and I’m now an anxious person who feels inferior to her. I can see he’s trying hard to rectify it all and build my confidence up again but maybe we just shouldn’t be together if I can’t forget about it. If any of you have been able to deal with low self esteem issues then please let me know how you did it.

Thanks

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 27/06/2019 09:32

Why can't you alternate Christmas at each others' families like most people do?

That would eliminate the worry about the Ex.

If he is actually showing you that he cares as opposed to just saying it, you have to move on. You put up with it at the time and presumable accepted his apology?

Orlandointhewilderness · 27/06/2019 09:33

TBH he doesn't exactly sound like a prince among men!! He mucked you about and made you feel like shit at the start until you lost enough weight to keep him happy. What happens in the future if you change and get older? Or have kids and your body changes? Or you get ill?

I would struggle with the ex thing too I think.

HarryHenderson · 27/06/2019 09:38

Well he can't blame you for feeling insecure... he's the cause of it!
What a horrible thing to say to someone.

Well done on losing the weight... although I hope you did it for yourself and not him!

I don't understand him spending Xmas with his ex. I don't understand it at all. They have no kids... so what if he's close to her dad, surely he can catch up with him at another time of year.

I think you need to put your foot down here tbh. Sounds like he's been calling the shots for too long.

In fact, if it were me, I'd just get rid. He crushed your self esteem so much that you felt the need to change yourself, and he spends important occasions with his ex. Nah, couldn't be arsed myself.

IvanaPee · 27/06/2019 09:40

Did you post about him before? The Christmas thing seems familiar.

Did he lie about being at hers?

swingofthings · 27/06/2019 09:44

He was honest, he is attracted to slimmer builds it is not a crime. He loves you and now finds you very attractive, you need to move on and stop the insecurity. Don't ruin something good because of it.

Original poster

Confused2021 · 27/06/2019 09:45

@ivanapee yes he didn’t tell me until a few days after that he had spent Xmas lunch with them all. He said he didn’t tell me at the time as he knew i’d be insecure about it and it would ruin my day (which is right - I would have been really pissed off! But if he knew it would have made me worry then he shouldn’t have been there and could have just popped in on Xmas eve or Boxing Day to say hello to them all).

He has been trying really hard lately to be a good partner and he does make a big effort. I don’t know whether to try and move on from all of that and just be happy with him in the present moment, or if I should leave as I’m clearly struggling to not keep bringing it up with him

OP posts:

Original poster

Confused2021 · 27/06/2019 09:47

@swingofthings I get that and he’s entitled to prefer slim bodies. But I was a size 14-16 on our first date so he should have just called it a day then instead of messing with my head for a few months. I kick myself for having allowed it but I was in a vulnerable place back then.
I know he really loves me now but I just don’t know how to stop bringing it up and getting pissed off

OP posts:

pollypenguin01 · 27/06/2019 10:05

I’m sure I remember your other threads about your partner and quite honestly it sounds like you have quite a few issues in this relationship.

I’m pretty sure you had a unanimous opinion of dump him from your past threads?

His relationship with his ex and ex’s family is very odd and not at all healthy. He doesn’t seem to understand healthy boundaries and nor does his Ex.

But only going on this thread,
He has made you feel insecure and now he wants you to suck it up and get over it, but it’s not as easy as that.
He has shown you who he is.
If you get pregnant will you worry he might find you unattractive because you’re getting fat? What if you have an illness, need steroids and end up ballooning? Or put on weight for any other reason?

It’s like he is constantly comparing you to the ex and tbh he sounds like he is still in love with her and you’ll never compare to this made up ideal of a woman.

None of this is your fault. Your partner sounds screwed up about his ex and the ending of their relationship. He has made her into some unrealistic, amazing woman that is the pinnacle of what all women should be (which is clearly ridiculous) and I’m sure real life ex is just a normal person with normal foibles but your partner seems to have made her an Adonis and honestly you’ll never compare to this made up woman.

swingofthings · 27/06/2019 10:21

But I was a size 14-16 on our first date so he should have just called it a day then instead of messing with my head for a few months
Clearly he was attracted to other aspects of you. Indeed he could have walked away but he battled with himself to finally realised what an amazing woman you are and fell in love with you.

He clearly loves you very much now so why all this bitterness? We all decide to go on second dates because that person meets a certain number of criteria that are important to us. You did too agreeing to see him again. What if he didn't meet an important criterion to you, whatever that is?

I think it is very sad that you are letting your insecurities impact on what seems a loving relationship otherwise.

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/06/2019 10:24

I’m sure I remember your other threads about your partner and quite honestly it sounds like you have quite a few issues in this relationship.
I’m pretty sure you had a unanimous opinion of dump him from your past threads?

This.

New thread (for whatever reason), same issues. The advice remains the same. You can do better. Find someone who loves who you are rather than you tolerating this poor excuse for a man.

birdonawire1 · 27/06/2019 10:55

It seems to be that he was initially attracted to you because of your personality rather than your appearance if he is not normally attracted to overweight women. It seems he 'messed you around' by not wanting to commit to you because of his lack of physical attraction to your body shape but was drawn back again and again to your personality despite himself and committed to you. The fact you lost the weight (which may have been one of the reasons for your insecurity) and became perfect for him physically as well as personality can only be a plus for both of you so why the continuing insecurity?

He sounds devoted to you and is trying to reassure you yet you are pushing him away and destroying g the relationship with this anger and resentment. You are making him walk on eggshells around you trying to second guess your reactions. He is entitled to remain friends with his ex and has moved on to a commitment to you.

Relationships are based on mutual trust, mutual goals as well as attraction, and if you can't put the past behind you you are going to sabotage a potentially good relationship.

I find it ridiculous of people to dismiss mutual attraction as of zero importance in a relationship.

VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 10:59

He sounds like a proper arsehole so I can see why it’s a chore trying to pretend he isn’t.

Better men are out there OP...

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 27/06/2019 11:52

Of course you are insecure. Anyone would be in a relationship that was conditional on them staying a certain weight. That is before you add in the ongoing relationship with an ex. I'd call it a day and get some counselling to help with your self esteem.

GinAndTopic · 27/06/2019 12:00

He was a shallow idiot when you met him, but it sounds like he adores you now. Of course his past actions and him seeing his ex may bring up those thoughts and feelings, but it would be a good idea to try counselling to get past them before you give up on the relationship. You will drive him away if you hold onto them. Other posters seem to have read about other issues you have, so of course you'll need to judge your relationship on those too.

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