To think one needs to be somewhat aloof and focused as a working mother

[ViewsAreMine]

I'm into year 3 of juggling work and the demands of family life and dropping the odd ball as expected I'm told. My angst is to do how to deal with unexpected events that are particularly related to childcare (this would apply to those who have to care for someone too).

I find that I don't think I have the luxury of banter with my colleagues in the office because if I had to leave the office unexpectedly due to an emergency, then over time, I don't think I'd be taken seriously if a promotion came up or the opportunity to work on a good project. I'm wondering if this means one has to morph into a heads-down-keep-it-strictly-professional persona during working hours? That way, the firm just knows you as a just-here-to-work type of person and so if you had to dash off due to unforeseen circumstances, then they're more forgiving. I find if you're more familiar (just plain cordial), then if you have an emergency and have to be out of the office, grumbling related "taking the mick", or "not on the ball" or "always working from home...".
How do people handle this?

I would suggest there is a middle line. If you come across as unfriendly, which is a risk if you don’t engage with your colleagues, they might well feel less well disposed to you when you need to absent yourself.

Friendly and approachable but focused and hardworking are compatible IMO.

I find the opposite, a bit of banter goes such a long way in keeping a good relationship with your colleagues, and if you do have to leave early etc then for one they might be a bit more sympathetic as they might know a little about your DC and if someone isn't happy about it they will say (probably in a joking way) and you at least know about it even if you can't do much about it. Also, banter at work allows you to let off some steam, allows you to get to know other colleagues and that is how you get onto projects and the like, through those relationships.

I think this comes down to personality and also work culture. I don’t find this is the case at all in my field. Everyone equally works hard and long hours some days but also has other days when things are more laid back. It would probably be a bit frowned upon if you spent half your work day messing around, mostly because it might annoy anyone else who was under more pressure that day. But as long as you get your work done and are responsive when people need things from you, then no one really cares when you do it.

I’ve never had an issue leaving early/coming in late/working from home due to anything related to my dc. But I also have a dh who shares the load equally, so emergency childcare isn’t all on me anyway. I think a lot of it comes down to work culture though. In fields like mine, there can be a lot of stress and pressure, but we have a lot of flexibility and independence to plan how we work. I think in other industries, things are not as flexible, and I think it makes a huge difference too if you are the only parent having to adjust to deal with these kinds of things (much easier when the obligations fall equally on both parents).

I kind of know what you mean, though I think you are taking it to an extreme. I still banter with my work colleagues and I don't know why that has to stop. But I'm also aware that I am the main person who doesn't work extra hours, asks for extra days working from home, leaves for emergencies etc and so I do try my hardest to be visibly good at my job and very proactive so I don't look like I'm taking the piss.

I think it depends on the environment in which you work and your colleagues. I work from home in a team of 3 people (who also work remotely). We are all at similar stages of our lives, with dependent children (and also caring needs for older parents).

The work gets done, we all like our sport, we enjoy the flexibility of working from home to go to our kids' school events.

We all work hard - sometimes at odd hours - and it really works well for us. None of us take the piss. We have banter (albeit by email!).

In order to be seen as a good worker, you need to be reliable. To some that means being present. To others it means meeting deadlines whenever they fall.

I think there is a middle ground. If you sit all day chatting, playing with your phone or on the internet, having to leave for an emergency won’t go down well. But if you generally have your head down and but still engage with other team members, that’s not usually seen as a problem.

I agree that having a good, friendly relationship with others is key. Not just because it fosters good will, but because it makes the working day far more pleasant. I did 6 years as a heads down, non engaging person and didn’t enjoy it much. My office now is far more friendly which makes the day much better.

I find the opposite. In my current role i needed to bring a fragmented team together to improve performance. One big issue was they just never spoke to each other- they didn’t get birthday cards, ask about weekends, know who had children etc. They never helped each other out, supported each other and worked in silos.

I do take your point but I think delivery and creativity and supporting your managers are the thing that will hold you in the best stead for your career

I felt I had always to go the extra mile, be productive and stay ahead as well as being v reliable. Because I never knew when I might have an emergency re the dc. Not at the expense of cordial relations though.

It paid off and I was appointed director of my service.

Depends entirely on the office. If your line manager knows you're not taking the piss that is all that matters.

Why is this only an issue for working mothers? Should working fathers not also be having to rush off for childcare emergencies occasionally?

I most definitely engage in office banter. Some days I have to leave exactly on time to pick up my son, but on the days that I don’t have to, I stay on if it’s needed. I can’t work certain shifts and have to deviate, but in return I’m as flexible as possible. Yes I’ve had to leave early if my son had been sick etc. But I work hard and my bosses know I work hard and am good at my job. I’ve been promoted since having my son.

I’d hate to be a “head down” type worker. My job is hard enough, having a team you get on with is everything.

I read a book once about achieving work/life balance and one of the top tips was to be as indispensable as possible. If your boss needs you, your job security is more protected and you can build in more flexibility.
I imagine in different fields this means different things. I'm a lawyer with 3 dcs and work a 70% week. I work hard when I'm there and accept that I have to answer calls and emails in evenings and days off. I don't bring in the big money that some of my colleagues do. However I've found my niche as the mentor and trainer for junior colleagues. This makes me invaluable to my seniors. I couldn't do this without being friendly and approachable!
Robots are replaceable, team players less so.

Wejammin, thank you so much for your response. I completely forgot to take into account the dangers of job automation.

Coldilox - terribly sorry. It applies to all working parents or those acting in the capacity of a carer.