Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Aibu - help with marriage

10 replies

user1471514421 · 26/06/2019 23:49

Evening everyone,

I am hoping I am not bu to ask for your help!

I am struggling with my marriage, dh and I married 7 years, together about 14 years since early teens.

I am not sure if we should be together anymore and am really struggling to think this through with some rational thoughts. We have 2 DC, under 5, both work full time. For the record, there is no one else.

I feel unhappy in our relationship, and quite frankly bored. We seem to move along ok for the most part, work well as a team, however he can be selfish at times and want things his way so his life is easier.

He has put on alot of weight and that has affected us both. I find the greed revolting.

I am continuously questioning can I live like this forever. However when I think of separating our family, it breaks my heart for DC and I suppose that familiarity and the life we have built together

We own our home, no mortgage, I have a reasonable salary and my mind is wondering to would I survive on my own with DC, to me this is not a good place to be thinking

Can you share your thoughts on ending/not ending a marriage where there is no real connection or passion anymore. Dh is a good man, I wonder if its me

OP posts:

Littlehouse156 · 26/06/2019 23:53

Yes. It’s not as bad as you think it’s going to be. My exh has been a good parent still and we share care and try to put on a united front when needed. You can’t live your life like this forever. Maybe head for some counselling first though.

Soozikinzi · 26/06/2019 23:56

Counselling seems the way forward wishing you well whatever you decide x

nutbrownhare15 · 27/06/2019 00:01

I'd read the book I love you but I'm not in love with you by Andrew Marshall OP

Yeahnahmum · 27/06/2019 03:58

Try counseling. Having an outside judge the situation and come up with some proper advice. That might reveal what is really bothering you. And yeah the weight would bother me too. Have you spoken to him about it? (In a non rude way of course )

shiveringtimber · 27/06/2019 04:31

Your husband's weight gain could mean that he's unhappy also. Some people drink excessively, or have affairs, or use drugs, or comfort eat.

It sounds as if you've grown apart, that your marriage is failing due to neglect. I'm amazed that a relationship you both began in your teens has lasted this long, TBH. People change so much after reaching adulthood and it's unusual nowadays for a teenage romance to endure14 years.

So it seems as if, for you at least, the relationship has run its course and you're ready to move on. The only problem is that you have two very young DC and single parenting is incredibly difficult, especially if you're both working full time.

It's impossible to advise you at all with so little information so I agree with PP that some counseling would be your best bet.

Shitonthebloodything · 27/06/2019 04:57

He sounds unhappy too. In all honesty, I wouldn't be too quick to throw it away at this point. If it's just boredom/irritation and lack of effort that's crept in over the years then it's still completely salvageable if you still love each other. Raising kids is hard and boring and bloody relentless at times, with 2 under 5, you're still in the thick of the toughest time, it gets easier as they get older. If you don't make time for each other (and we're all guilty of that) then it's easy for resentment to creep in. Do you have childcare? Can you have a chat and agree to work on things? Weekly date nights, couples counselling, that sort of thing?

Original poster

user1471514421 · 27/06/2019 07:18

Thank you all for your advice. I sat him down a few months ago and poured out my heart, said where I was at etc. I suggested counselling and he refused.things improved, I got the time out I was looking for, go to gym etc but he has now started to become annoyed at this.

Yes I can only imagine he is unhappy given the eating but I have tried to support him with that, cooking lovely meals, making sure he has time for gym, but nothing works.

I suppose I seem to be the driver here, I arrange the date nights, he never does, I arrange family days out or suggest things and I will be knocked back. I know he is finding parenting lack of sleep a struggle but I cant do much more

OP posts:

Number3or4 · 27/06/2019 07:33

I recommend reading The 5 love languages book. I'm finding it intresting and trying some of the tips, so far its helping.

Only you know your own limit but don't leave in haste. Prepare everything so it is as smooth as possible for the kids. If you decide to leave. Marriage is a partnership and it needs both of you to put in effort to make it work.

Original poster

user1471514421 · 27/06/2019 07:42

Number3or4 no I definitely dont want to leave in haste. My DC are number one priority, out of anything. There future and well being as a result worries me. I definitely worrying if I am just seeing the bad things, but we could certainly go along forever and he would never say anything, I would have a good life but I'm not sure that enough

OP posts:

TheWernethWife · 27/06/2019 08:19

OP, he is now controlling your time away from home, fuck that for a game of soldiers. You say he is selfish and wants things his own way, what about what YOU want. Get out now while your children are young.

Flip