To be sad I don't even have his phone number anymore?

[TakenForSlanted]

"Him" being my narcissist, bathshit insane father, not some bloke I fancy or used to be with.

We're pretty much NC these days - mostly because he can't be bothered to ever call me and I know that if I call him I'll spend the following few days fretting about a short conversation and being deeply hurt by something or other he's said.

But he turned 60 a few days ago. And when I tried to ring him, knowing it would be a disaster but also that he's my dad and that it's a milestone birthday, discovered that the line had been disconnected and he must have changed his number.

I know he hurts me (and everyone around him) and I'm better off wirhout him in my life.

But there will always be a part of me that is 6 years old and adores her daddy and wants to be loved and acknowledged by him.

AIBU to be sad he can't even be arsed to let his firstborn know where to find him? And to cry over a man who won't love me back at the ripe old age of 37?

ETA: posted to AIBU rather than Relarionships because I need my head set straight.

Go ahead, tear me new one and tell me to get the fuck over myself. I need it!

Don't have any advice but unless you said is already 60 we could actually have the same dad! I'm a similar age to you and it's hard , it hurts but you have to tell yourself his loss not yours. Mine doesn't even ackowledge my kids birthdays!

You're missing the father you wanted, not the arsehole that you got.

Wish your dream father a happy birthday and move on, forget the other one. Life is for living.

I get where you are coming from but as someone else said, you want the father you should have got, not the one you actually had!
My dad is an arse and I’m glad I don’t have his number, saves so much bullshit in my life

Oh Taken don't be so hard on yourself! IMHO you're never too old to need your dad (or mum) and there's nothing wrong at all with wanting to have a loving and meaningful relationship with your parents.

It's incredibly sad that you don't have a decent dad, and I'm so sorry you're going through this shit situation.

I don't really know what to suggest, I guess reaching out to him might not have a very good outcome if he has form for being a dick

But allow yourself to be sad, grieve for the relationship you don't have with him, but also be kind to yourself because his shortcomings are NOT your fault

You're missing the father you wanted, not the arsehole that you got.

That's pretty much it, thank you. Yes, I am.

And, yes, I realise that I get to grieve for my father. I've been grieving for him over and over and over again ever since I realised iy wasn't me but him. As has my sister. As has my mother, who loved him deeply but understandably took us kids and walked out eventually. As have step mothers one through to three, who loved him too and are worse off for it.

I know it makes me a horrible person but: at my worst I sometimes wish he'd physically die already because he metaphorically does every other time we speak.

It's as though he has some emotional inverse Midas touch: everyone he gets close to he manages to make feel like a piece of shit.

glasshalf, mine is a major contributor to the fact that I don't have any children at all. I would have liked one or two, but the thought that half of me is genetically him and that I might be bringing another him into the world has been a consideration.

It's not all his fault. He's got a ton of diagnoses. None of which I'd wish upon any child of mine.

Do you know his address? His GP surgery? If he died would you find out?
I used to look my father up every year with the National Records Office to see if he'd died yet. And I'd call his GP surgery to check they still had my number in case there was anything to report. I didn't want to get back in touch with him, but the idea of never knowing if something happened was too unsettling for me.

I was pretty hurt to realise the number I had was long gone with my dad. And I am definitely better without. But see it as confirmation that keeping him at arms length is right!

@Tallgreenbottle great point! I think that's my situation as well. I've been let down for so long I know the score. When I was much younger I used to fantasise about him being like other dads.

Do you know his address? His GP surgery? If he died would you find out?

I suppose I'd find out eventually if he had died. That is, after police figure out that a) he's thrice divorced and b) has two children on whose birth certificate he's actually recorded as the father one of whom c) still lives within the same continent if not in the UK and is basically his next of kin. It's a phone call I've been expecting and dreading ever since I've legally become an adult. I'm hoping that, if and when it happens, they'll make some nice lady from the British embassy call me rather than some random police officer from the Met. I'm also very much hoping that it'll be because they found his body, not because he's still very much alive but has done something utterly insane. And I'm hoping that my little sister, who lives halfway across the globe and has refused to acknowledge his existence for the last decade or so, will come and be by my side for my sake if not for his. She's had it much worse than me in that she has inherited his tendency towards mental instability. She knows and blames him in ways I have no cause to because I turned out alright. I wouldn't want to burden her for her sake - but I hope she'll be there for mine.

When I was much younger I used to fantasise about him being like other dads.

Didn't we all?

When I was a girl, I used to engage in this ridiculous fantasy which was essentially the fairy tale princess being rescued from the evil dragon by Prince Charming - except it was my dad acknowleding his daughter for more than bragging rights on the grounds that I was effortlessly the best pupil in my year (which he puts down to his superior genetics).

He still talks about me as "my daughter, the engineer, who's a senior executive in charge of 500 people". He never talks about his daughter whom he'd love even if she spent her days trying not to get sanctioned by the fucking Job Centre. I only matter when he thinks I'm proof of his genes slaying at their job. And that's me. He doesn't even acknowledge his younger, who's "merely" a primary school teacher.

On balance, and having read my last post back to myself my dad is a fucking arsehole, actually.

My boss' boss is sitting next to me as I type this, and he's saying "fucking hell, I kind of love you just because you've worked for me for the last three years - who wouldn't? Your dad is bonkers - I'd be burating with pride if you were mine and insisting you were if there were any doubt. Post that to your internet chat."

Duly noted and herby done.

they'll make some nice lady from the British embassy call me rather than some random police officer from the Met.

You do the police a disservice

You do the police a disservice

Quite possibly. I've had the privilege of living a nice, upper middle class existence free from any calls from the police so far. In my imagination, it's all horribly perfunctory and along the lines of:

"Good evening, [my name], I've got you on the record as next of kin to [my father]. ... ". Goes on to matter of factly inform me that the man who fathered me has died.

I hope that, if and when this happens, they'll be kinder. I wouldn't know. He's the one and only reason why I'd ever expect such a call in my lifetime.

@TakenForSlanted ah that's sad , my children do have similar traits to the condition my dad has (undiagnosed I may add) I can see his house from mine but I probably have less than 3 contacts a year . Like I said their loss , I want a dad who loves me like my friends dad do them but like you that isn't what I got .

I want a dad who loves me like my friends dad do them but like you that isn't what I got

I want a dad like my friend's who's still not got over the fact that she fancies women rather than men 20 years after her coming out. He's a fucking arse, too, (and a homophobic bigot at that) but at least he gives a shit.

Lowered expectations indeed.

Having said that, reiterating: my friend's dad is fucking arse and she deserves better.

but like you that isn't what I got

It's not you who got him. Rather, it's he who (be)got you. More than he deserves, if that's what he's like.

They make you wish people were born infertile and only became capable of having children after passing a basic test, don't they?

Damn it, dad!

So I found his new number. I tried calling a dozen times. He's not answering.

My father has just turned 60, and I don't even know if he's still alive and ignoring me, has actually died, has gone off the grid completely indulging in one of his crazy theories?

Am I flying back to Britain to look for my insane father now? Not even knowing where to start looking for him, seeing as none of the people I tried seem to have heard from him in ages?

I'm at a loss ...

Do you honestly think, after all this time, there is anything to salvage? Is there anything he could say that would heal the wounds his behaviour has caused? Would you ever believe that he was sorry if he said he was? Because it sounds like the damage is done and that he is the last person who could fix it.

So, unless you really think there is a chance that he has suddenly changed over the last 60 years or seen the light somehow, don't keep picking at the scab of your relationship with him. Give yourself permission to end it with him and free yourself from the tyranny of his dickishness.

It's the only way - I've done it, and it's not easy, because you just think that if you could say the right words, he would understand, but he won't because he doesn't want to. It's not because you're not eloquent enough to get the message across to him, it's because he's not interested in hearing that he's wrong, so he won't countenance it. It's not you, it's him and you deserve better. And sometimes no Dad is better than one who fucks you up even when you haven't spoken to him. This is one of those times.

Give yourself permission to end it with him and free yourself from the tyranny of his dickishness.

I know that. Technically.

It's not like boyfriends and husbands, though, is it? You may grow up fantasising about Prince Charming and that you'll fall in love and it'll be happily ever after. But, ultimately, you'll see people fail at making it work with "the one" and still somehow not end up alone for the rest of their lives and happy. Because nana was right in that there's a lid for every pot, but also pot sizes are standardised and a whole bunch of lids will fit any given pot.

But you'll only ever have one mum and one dad.

And, yes, of course you're right that in many ways no dad is better than a crap one. And that picking at scabs is bad.

But it still does something to you, doesn't it? You can be a high-flying, award winning miracle woman (I'm not quite all that, but I'm at least award winning) and still never quite get over the fact that you manage to get random people to love you - but not your own father.

My therapist basically drives a bloody Merc these days on account of his billings to me and I've still not quite managed.

I've found him, by the way. Not spoken to him, but I know where he is.

He's been on a bender after his apparently huge birthday do and seems to have spent the last few days getting back to reasonably sober.

My sister and I weren't even invited to the party (and, yes, we're both expats - but we also both would have flown in). I'm not going to tell her I bothered to find out and learned as much. She'd be hurt and it's plenty for one of us to be.

I totally get it - it's so hard to know that someone who should just love you as easy as breathing doesn't, or at least doesn't in any way that normal people recognise, but that's his failing, not yours.

The fact that none of his 'friends' have heard from him either suggests that he is simply incapable of forming proper, lasting relationships, so even when he gets to choose the people he spends time with he can't make it work. That sounds so much like my dad - a trail of desctruction and disappointment in his wake and nobody really knows what on earth is going on in his head. Mine managed to occasionally gravitate towards other insufferably selfish people with no ability for self-reflection and then was outraged when they treated him the way he treats others, completely unironically!

It helped me to imagine him apologising and saying a hearthfelt sorry for all the things he'd said and done - would it have made much of a difference after all this time? Did I really need a 'dad' now, when I had got through the hardest parts of my life wihtout one? What kind of relationship could we possibly have with all the water under our bridge? Answering all these questions honestly really made me think about what I could reasonably expect from him, and the answer was depressing, but at least gave me some incentive to distance myself from him and let go of the idea that there was a future for us.

What did really help was having my brother to talk to, to share the experience with and to reassure each other that it's not us, it's him - I know you say your sister will be hurt, but don't rule out her support as a way to get you both through this. You might not want to share details like this, but talking about him and taking solace in the fact that at least you have each other because of and in spite of him might make it easier for you both. I wish I could say something that would make it all better for you I really do, and I hope you find some peace in all the noise of sadness and frustration.