What do you do if one of you has a long hours well paid job and other a long hours not well paid job?

[TheLime]

DH found out this week that he is being made a partner at the firm in which he works. It’s a fairly big firm, top 20. He currently gets about 120k, obviously this will go up over the next few years. He works 930-530 unless there is something urgent on, and only does client events about twice a month. Partnership will probably mean more travel, more evening meetings, possibly more client stuff and possibly longer hours more often.

I am a midwife, a job I love but which is long shifts. I work two days/three days on alternate week and earn 21k. I do have an office hours specialist role at the moment, but on one of my days I may need to stay late to support a specialist clinic. The other days I can generally leave at six but sometimes something will come up and I can’t. To accommodate this, DH picks up and drops off from childminder one day a week, and frequently wfh to do school plays and stuff as my job isn't currently so flexible. If I go back to the ward at some point I will be working long shifts which don’t fit with any childcare and DH will have to do pick ups and drop offs. We have DS7 and DS3.

Last night we were going through all the partners in his firm who he knows the home circumstances of.... all of them either had a SAHP or in one or two cases, a partner with an equally well paying job and a nanny. None had any home commitments which meant they couldn’t be there for every meeting, or meant they had to leave early once a week, which DH currently does (he works until 430 on his pick up day). DH isn’t worried, he says he will ensure it continues to work out but I know he gets stressed if he doesn’t meet expectations at work.

I’m sure there are parents on MN in similar situations.... one of you with a job with long hours on which the family depends financially, and another with a not too flexible job that doesn’t fit in great with childcare times but doesn’t pay well. What do you do?

Assuming you're near London/other major cities look into an au pair as the kids are getting older. If you have a spare room this should be enough to cover the holes/reduce stress without taking too much more of your salary. Alternatively a reliable regular babysitter (responsible student type) could cover occasional planned commitments if you're on nights.

I assume he's not likely to be making drop everything leaving tomorrow for 3 months type trips, but occasional planned conferences/meetings.

Other point- making partner is usually the biggest step - he's made partner while juggling childcare for 7 years - as you get more senior you get more flexibility- and can arrange meetings/client entertaining commitments around your rota. When I worked in a top 5 firm about 15 years ago one of the partners did a 4 day week, of which 1 was from home. Flexible working is possible - and as a partner, unless in meetings, working remotely is very easy

In our case I became a SAHM. I was more highly paid and we could have afforded a nanny but I didn't want to take that option. I am happy it was the right decision for our family for lots of specific reasons.

If your DH is committing to making it work I think grab that opportunity with both hands. Law has a particular problem with women dropping out after kids for this reason. He will be doing everyone a favour if he shows it is possible to combine (even limited) childcare responsibilities with partnership. If he struggles then he can always pay for a more flexible childcare option.

Unless you want to be a SAHM? But I assume you wouldn't be asking this question if you did.

Au pair would be brilliant but it feel alike I don’t work enough really..... I’m sociable but like my own space at home and sometimes I don’t work for five days in a row, would they be hanging around with nothing to do for all that time?

I don’t want to be a SAHM no, I work 23 hours and don’t want to do more. There is a promotion coming up I would probably get but it would involve on calls and I’m not sure how we would make that work. I agree it sets a good example for DH to juggle partnership and childcare.

Mothers help perhaps?!
I use to work for a family a few days a week.
I would arrive to do kids breakfast and then school drop off,come back and do a couple of hours cleaning, do school pick up and then make a evening meal ( cassoulet or something) and leave as soon as a parent came home

Depending on where you live there are also temporary nanny agencies. They cost ££££ but might be useful occasionally when you are stuck.