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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Emotional abuse or just really crappy parenting?

7 replies

Kittymickey · 25/06/2019 13:03

I have name changed and will likely ask for this thread to be removed at some point as its not directly about me, but I need some opinions and advice!

Background - I volunteer with vulnerable adults. The person I am assigned to at the moment has very poor mental health. Anxiety, severe depression, as well as autism, adhd and OCD. He is in his late twenties and is receiving virtually no help from mental health services. They keep referring him back to autism services that are unable to help due to how bad his mental health is. He still lives with his parents. Spends a lot of time in his room gaming or drawing. His mum is nice and spends most of her days on the phone trying to get some form of help for him but is largely unsuccessful.

His dad however, I feel, is an issue. He holidays for a week every month without his family, because of course his son is unable to cope with that sort of situation. He puts his son down all the time. He moans about him playing with toys, because he's an adult and shouldn't be playing with toys. He openly tells his son that he won't mention he has a child to anyone who asks because it embarrasses him to have to tell them what his son is like. He tells him to be "normal". He often has the volume of the TV up very loud when his son is in the same room despite knowing that the loud noise distresses him. He'll very occasionally watch a movie with his son, I think only from his wife badgering him, and then at the end he'll say why didn't you tell me this was such a stupid film and you're stupid for enjoying it. His son often seems to self harm as a result of something his dad has said to upset him, although he won't directly say it was his dad's fault. But nine times out of ten he does it after his dad has been horrible to him so I feel like it's in relation to that. His dad often calls him ridiculous and says he's "playing for attention" after a self harming episode.

These are just examples that I have either witnessed first hand or that he has mentioned in an email. I don't know what his dad gains from saying some of these things to him other than to deliberately hurt him. I'm getting increasingly more uncomfortable with the situation but the co ordinator for the programme doesn't seem to think it's a big issue. I'm not so sure and am considering going above to his manager to report my concerns.

Any opinions are welcome!

OP posts:
HumphreyCobblers · 25/06/2019 13:15

I would definitely go to your manager. This would trigger a POVA (not sure if they are called that any more) in any of the organisations I had experience with in the past

newmomof1 · 25/06/2019 13:39

I'd say it's very clear that his dad has absolutely no understanding of his sons challenges.

Are there any courses available to help parents understand things like autism? You tend to find a lot of people his dads age will deny that it's a real disability and maybe some education will help them both?

NotTheQueensBirthday · 25/06/2019 13:56

Emotional abuse imho. I would report it higher if your manager isn't taking it seriously.

DannyWallace · 25/06/2019 14:00

Definitely sounds like abuse.

This is so, so sad.

Mrsjayy · 25/06/2019 14:03

I would take it to your cordinator let them make a decision if they want to do anything.

IntoValhalla · 25/06/2019 14:05

That is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read Sad
I’d definitely report to your manager etc, to me it sounds 100% like abuse.

I’m glad that this young man has someone like you to look out for him and advocate for him!! Flowers

theconstantinoplegardener · 25/06/2019 14:12

Is it possible that his dad also has autism (albeit presenting differently) and this is affecting his interactions with his son? Not that that would excuse his behaviour but it might explain it, and help you to decide the best way to tackle this. Perhaps dad needs some advice and training.

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