When DH and I first met 10ish years ago, I fell head over heels in love with him. He didn't feel the same. He still had strong feelings for an ex so we were friends for a year, then started dating. But he told me if the ex wanted him back, he'd leave our relationship.
I wasn't in a great place emotionally, very low self esteem, and thought that was fine (!). Another two years' went by and he was only half-committed really. He worked 65 hours a week, I was busy working and studying.
Then I went away for two months alone to travel and he barely contacted me. That was the lightbulb moment, so when I got back, I ended the relationship. I then lost a lot of weight, gained a bit of confidence and quite easily moved on.
6 months later, he got back in touch and said he loved me (first time he'd said it in 3 years) and wanted another chance. I remember the heavy, gut feeling of 'no'. But I remembered how much I loved him at the beginning and hoped I'd get back to feeling that again so I said okay.
Fast forward another 7 years and now we're married, lived together for the past 5 years but the feeling never came back. I've always struggled with self esteem so I thought DH would be the only person to ever want me.
Nothing is 'wrong' in the relationship, as such. DH now, is kind, loyal, supportive, funny, I have total freedom, he's 50/50 on chores and we share the same morals. It's down to his finances that we have what we have. I love him, but like a friend. He has a very low sex drive and this has always been an issue. He hates kissing/being passionate and would always prefer to cuddle or hold hands.
If he told me he had met someone else I'd be relieved. He adores me now, he's so patient and we have been through a lot. I feel awful because I can only seem to focus on his flaws. He's unmotivated, needs routine, hates change, he's not very intellectual, not social at all and I find him quite boring. I'm quite a spontaneous, creative, social person and I feel I'm living someone else's life.
I've tired counselling, CBT, I keep busy, see friends, yet every day I hope I don't wake up. I have always wanted family but DH has never wanted kids. He has said he'd try if I wanted to, but I want a partner that REALLY wants a family, not a partner that would 'try' because I wanted to.
I feel like I'm staying with him, for him. It makes him happy. He'd become a total depressed introvert and I can't bare to do it to him.