Tween Phone

[Spinderellacutituponetime]

AIBU that I don’t want my daughter to have a phone anymore? She’s 11 and we got her one because she has to get bus to school and it was for emergencies but i feel it’s become a nightmare. I spend all my time trying to police her on it and when she has it she disappears from family life. She has also turned off safe preferences several times. I try and keep communication open and don’t want to spy or keep hassling her but know also she’s 11 and needs my help managing it. I need good strategies for mobile phone use, what are your rules and how to you implement them at home? I don’t want her to be addicted but fear that she becoming that way...So want sensible, fair rules for internet use. How does everyone else manage it?! 😳

at 11 we had the following rules:

-phone is charged downstairs, not upstairs at night time
-phone is put in the kitchen until homework is finished
-I know her passcode and monitor what she is doing/saying online

does your dd have social media?

I turned on the screentime app (Iphone) which meant that she couldn't use apps after 8:00. this allowed her time to relax before bed.

Same, DD (11) has to leave it downstairs overnight and I have passwords.

However...she is in a group chat with her classmates and there are an inordinate number of banal messages so I am not worried about those but do check history / gaming etc (experience from having 2 older DS )

Buy her a Nokia or something similar if she can't be trusted with a smartphone. That way she is still able to contact you and vice versa but social media won't take over her life.

Can you get her a basic phone so she can just text/ring in an emergency?

Use the google app Familylink to set restrictions. You control it via your own phone or tablet. You can restrict time times they are on it, how long they are allowed per day and all apps have to be approved before installing.
Also as other PPs have said, you get to look at the phone any time and check messages etc. At 11 they are just not able to see danger and are more concerned with what's cool. So you need to be the adult.
We also have downstairs rule. No phone upstairs at any time.

It seems I’m the total opposite to most people... dd 11 has free access to her phone and iPad. I check what she has been up to every now and then but for the most part I trust her. She knows all about trolls/internet safety etc and, I figure, as a result of it being “the norm” for her, she really isn’t on it all that much. In fact, she misplaced it for days at a time and couldn’t be less bothered... saying that, my kids have a lot of freedom regardless (they know I trust them and things would change if they abused my trust), for us it works.

Yep. That’s all helpful. She doesn’t have it at night and she doesn’t have any social media except WhatsApp. I check that regularly. I just wish she would not be so ‘online’! She used to write and draw but now just wants to stare at YouTube. I’m hating this phase. I feel like it’s a lazy way to exist, there’s no creativity there. I feel very old fashioned but think I’m a secret Luddite!

Threaten her with a basic phone. In fact buy one and if she breaks the rules, put her SIM card in the brick phone for a few days.

I don’t really want to buy her a new phone, I want her to manage her phone sensibly but maybe she is too immature to do this and I need to be stricter with her access to it.

1. phone is charged from 8pm til morning. If it does before then tough, shell learn not to use it so much and waste battery early.

2. phone stays downstairs, period. No phones in bedrooms or bathrooms.

3. passcode is known, spot checks. Not timed checks. If you say you'll check it at a certain time she will delete guilt in time for that. Random "phone please" checks whenever you have 5 minutes and feel is needed.

4. age dependant. No snapchat. I'm only 23 and absoslutely despise my 16 year old sister being on snapchat. Vile app when it wants to be.

5. if you want DD safe, phone only used for text and calls, dont buy them the latest smartphone.

My sister got a small £30 phone from Tesco, credit was out on, family contacts put in. No apps, no social media, no contract.

The painful thing about smartphone like iPhone and Samsung, they have 'app hiding apps' where social media apps can be disguised as 'calculator' ect.

Wow, I didn’t realise that. How do I tell? Do I just have to check everything all the time?! 😳

I'm not 100% sure how they work so I'm not sure how you could check. But more than likely your DD probably hasn't gone that far to hide thing from you. It's just a horrible thought that they can if they wanted to.

It really is and who would make those apps and why would they be allowed? Beggars belief.

Presumably you're paying for the phone and she is only 11.

I would explain how you thought she would be able to self-regulate with it and still do other things but apparently she's not able to.

For this reason you are allowing only 2 hours a day after school then it has to go off while she does other things. If she kicks off you remove the phone completely for a while. (Other than school obvs)

It's a privilege not a right and you have to teach her that phones can become additive.

OP think of it this way. Are most adults you know able to 'control' their own phone use. No. I try so hard not to look at my phone constantly but I know I am addicted.

I read less than I used to (massively less - I was a huge reader of fiction - now I mainly read crap online for hours)
I feel mildly anxious if I spend too much time on my phone but can't quite control it.

I am a very normal person! I know lots of people like me who are basically showing slightly addictive behaviour.

Yet we want 11 year olds to behave in a more grown up way with a highly addictive device than many adults.

I really don't think an 11 year old can be expected to monitor and control their own use of youtube/ phones/ whatsapp - there are technicians sitting in california making sure they find constantly new ways to get us all fully hooked. These devices and the way we use them are DESIGNED to be addictive.

Yes there will always be people who come on and say oh I let my kids do what they like and they are fine - obviously that probably relates to some children naturally finding it less interesting and perhaps their parents then take credit. It is more likely that this approach does not work with most children.

I think parents need to seriously help kids here - you are the grown up. Teens fail to manage their own use - she is a child. Tell her youtube is for one hour or whatever and only when she has done some other activities that day. Control it and teach her why you are controlling it.

She will never learn to control her use by using it freely all the time. that is not the point of these devices!

Self regulation - laughable. Apps like whatsapp are created in order to pull us constantly towards our phones. I have had to hide whatsapp and mute all conversations to stop myself being constantly distracted - and I know it's bad for me.

There are books you can read about how the tech industry is constantly fighting for our attention.

The word self-regulation is ludicrous for an 11 year old - see them as fighting a huge tech industry of experts - and realise that they will never win.

"She only has whatsapp"? And you believe that?? Sorry but she has found a way to outsmart you. Don't be naive
You can always just trade her phone in for a nokia 3310. Problem solved

Yes, she definitely only has WhatsApp. I know this for a fact unless she has one of these hidden apps. And yes, I can quite happily regulate my own phone use as an adult but I didn’t grow up with them and only got mine 2006 after I got pregnant. Most adults I know aren’t that addicted but maybe this isn’t ‘usual’. I just wondered what other folks rules are for phone use and how they implement them...just out of curiosity. I like the no tech in the bedroom rule!

Far too extreme to remove it altogether or replace with a non smartphone option. Although that could be a final resort/threat if she doesn't accept you managing her time for her.

If she's had free access so far then she is going to kick up a fuss. Ideally you need her to understand that she's no longer drawing or reading and maybe see if you can come up with a solution together.

I think she definitely needs a couple of hours phone free before bed.

She doesn’t have free rein, it’s monitored. And just and hour or so a night but constantly asks for it or to check messages. She has a class WhatsApp group where they chat about homework and so sometimes uses this as an excuse to get it back. Just tired of it being her main focus I guess. I think she’s addicted to it and this makes me very sad. We have rules but that doesn’t change the fact it’s her main focus.