To not want friends anymore

[Bubblemama]

I've got 4 kids, work from home, home educate the eldest two due to SEN. Younger two are 3.5 and 12weeks old. I have aspergers and find socialising really exhausting and or stressful sometimes. We moved 4 hours from our nearest "old" friends last year, due to housing costs. DH and I barely see each other in a day despite both working from home, so really no time for anyone else.

I feel sad I never made any meaningful friendships for the kids sakes, but at the same time I don't have the drive to try to find new people now. We don't have any extended family between us. So it's just the 6 of us.

No one our age is in our situation so it's hard to find things to bond or even meet over. Not being snobby, just really niche interests and we are the youngest family in the village by a long shot. Everyone else is having their first-fifteenth grandkids and though they're lovely, don't feel we can pop by for a cuppa and play date. We tried to invite nice NDN over for Halloween as they had granddaughter staying with them, same age as my eldest but they didn't take us up on it.

AIBU to stop trying to find people to be friends with at 29 years old?

I'm worried the kids will be affected by it. Ideal scenario would be finding a group or club where the kids go off and make friends and DH and I can sit back and avoid small talk with other parents.

Honestly it’s fine if you are happy to be just you and DH, genuinely happy.

But the kids need to learn socialisation skills as well and they aren’t getting that in school. You would let them down massively by not doing so for them, s you have to find some groups and friends for them. And that may mean you playing nice too sorry.

Are there any homeschooling FB groups near you?

That's my worry, eldest has Aspergers and second eldest has Pathological Demand Avoidance. They both went to school briefly but at 6 and 5 were suicidal from bullying and had no friends. There's a nice park and we thought maybe they'd make friends there but we're the only family thats ever in it. We travelled to the next village over which is larger and found the same problem again. We just can't seem to find anyone around. The school only has 70 pupils and i'd be letting them down if I sent them, there's practically no SEN provision and it's very underfunded. Kids have done so much better academically and are now quite far ahead of their peers but the social part is hard. No home Ed groups within 40mins of us and second eldest has violent travel sickness.

Just don't know what to do to meet people these days.

Would you consider moving? To somewhere more socially varied, with Home Ed groups, or schools with decent SEN provision? We don’t have anywhere near your stressors, but if we were reliant on our white, socially-conservative, Brexit Party-voting village for friends, we’d have gone mad...

You've hit the nail on the head @Disputedchair. DH is eastern European but with London accent is tolerated in the area. Not at all diverse up here and that's upsetting enough. No ones been mean but we feel the isolation of it. My own mother wanted nothing to do with DH and DHs mother felt same about me.

Its a seaside village. We visited the house in high season and assumed there were kids around but they were all holiday makers. Park is barren, soft play one village over is barren too. We're running out of ideas. Eldest is 9 this year and we can't afford to move for at least two years. The house was a cheap fixer upper and best we could afford at the time. Regretting it now.

I feel your pain bubble and I have nearly 20 years on you! Whereabouts are you? Have you tried local MN boards?
I strongly suspect I will be in your boat when I return to the UK but I have grown to like my own company good job Do your kiddies actually want playdates or would they find them stressful? Your ideal scenario sounds good

We’re foreign too, @Bubblemama, and lived in London happily for years before moving here. I hear you. We’re just not a good fit with the area — and we’re both confident, social and NT, have never had the slightest difficulty making friends, and have got involved in village things and volunteered from the start. Our tribe isn’t here. We can’t leave yet either, but are planning our exit.

@RageAgainstTheVendingMachine

We're East Midlands. I've tried suggesting meet ups on localish groups on Fb but no one ever bites.

Eldest is starting to care that she has no friends and she is nearly 9, it's only come up this year. The kids have never had play dates as we struggled to take them anywhere. Eldest had meltdowns from 1-6years that would shake rooms and I ended up with lots of tuts and mean comments from mums with neurotypical kids so never felt accepted in the toddler mum clubs or playground mum cliques. Eldest was also obsessed with traffic and would run into roads on a whim, part of the reason we moved somewhere so quiet. Second eldest had such a bad speech impediment that no other kids (or teachers) could understand her. She's much much better now but the PDA prevents her from doing anything positive without becoming really upset. I can't praise her in an enthusiastic way as she breaks down and cries. Any compliments have to be done very calmly and gently. I was the same as a child and would lose my marbles if we left the house. She enjoys playing with other kids but kids her age don't get on with her as she's quite young in maturity compared to them.

It's hard going. I want them to have social circles but there just isn't anyone around and I'm ready to give up trying (until we can move at least).

I really enjoy my own company too I see my old friends once every two-four years and find that to be plenty for me.

Ah lovey, that is hard. I can imagine that coastal towns, while lovely for the beach in the Summer (that is, if you even make it out the door because PDA + 4dc) are very isolated/can be insular the rest of the time. Do your daughters get on with each other? Would your eldest find solace in a penpal?
kids.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Pen_Pals_for_Kids

Any reason why you couldn't try flexischooling for your eldest, at least?
Wanting friends may help her motivation, and a small school may help her sensory needs. She isn't exactly the same now as the kid who didn't manage at her old school.

This might then bring younger siblings into your younger dd's sphere, so people for her to play with too...

It's worth searching for a SEND parent carer group so you can meet families with similar experiences to yours.

www.nnpcf.org.uk/about-the-nnpcf/find-your-local-forum/

contact.org.uk/advice-and-support/local-support/contact-in-your-area/