To ask if this is normal

[VictoriaRo]

Hi all

I'm in my first relationship of nearly 2 years. I've always found it very hard to connect with someone and I consider myself to be quite a non sexual person maybe asexual or demi sexual or somewhere on the spectrum. As such, found it hard when it felt men were only after one thing and not valued me as a person.

I met my current partner online. He wasnt my type looks wise but he seemed to tick enough boxes personality wise. We had a slow start and he was very patient with me. We got to know each other every week or more for 5 months.

5 months later we eventually slept together and that definitely broke down the walls of intimacy in all senses. We spent most of the next 6 weeks together. We had a mostly happy time for a long tjme - some arguments due to his insecurities and my insensitivity. We didnt have a whirlwind romance but definitely learned to connect as each day went on.

We entered a low point due to a change in circumstances for me 14 months in and didnt get out of it for 4 months. It was a difficult and unhappy time for both of us.

During this time he proposed. Awful timing. I said yes as I didnt want to say no it's not the right time. He was so happy. In the photos at the time he has a big grin and smiley eyes. I smile but look sad. I was. I tried to give him a chance to do it another time but he didnt take it.
He told me he felt pressured by me but that's because he continuously talked about the wedding or us being married and I said were not even engaged yet. I really struggled with the disappointment of the engagement too. Hed built it up many months prior about making it special. We had different ideas clearly.

1 month later we entered a very happy place and fell in love again perhaps. All has been well for 3-4 months. I felt very much in love and very elated.

Now I'm in a low place again. It seems to be a pattern 3/4 months bad, 3/4 months good, 3/4 months bad.

During the low points I find myself fixating on all our differences. I dont picture myself with another person or have a desire to date again. However some times things get me down. I think my fixation doesn't help, however I cant shake it.

Sometimes I think maybe I could find someone better..but could I? My OH has many many qualities I looked for for years and yes hes also missing some. I feel this is classic grass is greener syndrome.

Is it normal to be up and down in a relationship like this?

No, it's not normal. Don't marry him if you're not certain or happy.

No. Sorry to be blunt.

I imagine there are plenty of people settling in this way so yes it’s ‘normal’ in that sense but it’s not right. And you seem to be doing all the emotional work (his insecurities and your insensitivity jumped out at me, by that I imagine you mean you had to change the way you dressed and acted and behaved...).

Leave and be single. It’s infinitely preferable to this, I promise. Mr Right (right for you) will come along, and if not there’s much more fun in life to be had on your own that by constantly trying to make an incompatible relationship work.

Did your moods/emotions fluctuate to this extent before he came along?

Don't marry him.

Marriage is a big deal. It's supposed to be for the rest of your life. And yeah, you can get a divorce, but it's a bloody ballache and really sets a lot of people back.

So unless you're 100% on board I wouldn't do it. There's no reason to rush. Maybe in a year or two you will feel much more confident about it, and you can get married then. Or maybe by then you'll be feeling miserable and be sooo glad you didn't marry him!

I think you need to answer VladimersPoutines question. Are these types of highs and lows normal for you?

God no , not normal and certainly not solid ground for married life.
You are clearly unhappy , listen to your emotions and end it before it goes any further.

This doesn’t sound like a good pattern for a relationship in my opinion, but I do think it’s important for you to work out if it’s your relationship making you unhappy or something else. If you’re struggling with depression or another mental health condition, that might be affecting your relationship. But if this is new since you got into the relationship then I would say it’s not a strong foundation for a marriage, and in my view it’s better to be single than to be stuck in a marriage that isn’t right.

@peachgreen sometimes i'm very certain, and then other times I am not. I can't pinpoint the change and don't feel that he changes much. I think its my mood. Perhaps sometimes we discuss something, that I don't really like and I stew on it and then all other small incidents just pile up.

@YippeeKayakOtherBuckets The thing is....how rarely does Mr Right really come along. My DP has a lot of things that I look for in a partner and accepts me, encourages me and supports me. In reality does Mr Right really tick every box?

@VladmirsPoutine I really don't know. I am not moody every month, like some and mine is more a gentle decline until I sort of realise it. I think I am only realising it because I have someone else to consider now and the things I stew about are related to him. However it's certainly possible that I've had good and bad moments.
I think when I was single, I think I definitely had some low points during my struggle dating and consequently feeling shit about myself, mainly due to my sexuality. I certainly cried a few times.
I wish I could give a more definitive answer but I never took note before.

@PregnantSea We haven't booked a date yet, I think I will have at least a year to settle in. We also don't live together yet, so I want to live together first and see how things go. It might change everything.

@FilledSoda the trouble is, sometimes I am very happy and I feel very much in love and can't wait for a future, and then sometimes, I feel a bit empty.

@VivienneHolt Yes quite possibly. All I can pin in down to is as mentioned above, if something difficult comes my way and I feel a bit put out by it then I stew a bit, then something else and something else. I think at times I get very sensitive.
We haven't argued for.... I can't even remember. However, there has been tense moments. He's under a lot of stress at work and if he's been a bit shitty for even a moment, I sort of hold on to it. Or if we have a discussion where we aren't on the same page, again I hold on to it.
I'm in my late 20s, and spent my whole life single, so I think it may even be a part of me that needs to learn to stop being so selfish. I don't know...

VictoriaRo What you described to ValdmirsPoutine sounds a lot like chronic depression. Before you make any drastic moves and end your relationship, it might help to talk to a GP or a counselor. Sometimes it takes a major life change like this, or being with someone, to bring things like chronic depression into focus and to take note.

As someone who struggle with chronic depression I can attest that you go from loving life and everyone in it, to feeling empty and wondering if you should just run away from it all.

This

"sometimes I am very happy and I feel very much in love and can't wait for a future, and then sometimes, I feel a bit empty."

And

"if he's been a bit shitty for even a moment, I sort of hold on to it. Or if we have a discussion where we aren't on the same page, again I hold on to it"

really resonates with me. I feel exactly the same. But I'm sorry, I have no advice.

I have been with DP for eight years I often wonder if it's him, or if it's me and that I'd be like this with anyone.

No it’s not normal, it sounds like you simply aren’t ready for a relationship, let alone marriage

I go from madly in love, to "we aren't right for each other". I don't pay much attention to it nowadays as I know it will pass. I'm sure that's probably the wrong thing to do though.

My ex was like this. He had an attachment disorder. After a lot of therapy he is finally getting married this year after thinking it was impossible. Do a bit of reading around attachment and see if any resonate with you.

The thing is, whilst I can categorically say that a relationship which is constantly up and down, leaving you feeling like you're walking on egg shells, constantly anticipating the worst, constantly trying to second-guess your partner is a relationship that should be left immediately. However, from your post it came across as though a lot of what you describe is a sort of personal diary of your melancholy experienced through highs and lows.

I think you need to be very honest with yourself. It might very well be that this relationship isn't right for you. But more over, you need to reflect on whether these are the normal ups and downs we all have, or something more pertinent about your mental and emotional health.

I could be reading far too into it. But there's a slight nuance to your posts which are different from the usual 'LTB' offences, iyswim?