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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

A bit scared of neighbour.

24 replies

tillytoodles1 · 24/06/2019 22:14

My H died five months ago. One of my neighbours keeps telling me how nice I look when he sees me and today he invited me round for a drink. How do I make him see that I'm not remotely interested in him, but he's a nice man and I don't want to be rude.

OP posts:

mineofuselessinformation · 24/06/2019 22:18

'That's very nice of you, but I don't think I'll be ready for that for a very long time. I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it again.'
Sorry that he's such an arse.

Dragongirl10 · 24/06/2019 22:41

Be very blunt, don't smile, don't make small talk, just say no thank you firmly turn and walk away.

So very sorry to haer about your DH.

Can you get a dog op? do you like dogs, seriously if your working life allows they are great company and a rescue would be grateful to have a good home. I always feel safe with my dog in the house, (although he wouldn't hurt a fly.)

Cherrysoup · 24/06/2019 22:41

Be frosty with him. Tell him you think he's very inappropriate.

My neighbour did this to my other neighbour when his wife died. She is very straight talk ING so gave him short shrift.

There's no need to offend him but tbh, he's offensive, five month and he's pushing it, frankly.

I'm sorry for your loss.

StillMe1 · 24/06/2019 22:57

I had a similar situation. Is your neighbour married? The neighbour at my house is. His wife is ill. I had lost my husband a few months previously.
I dont know why clowns like that think widows are just desperate for their attentions.

Original poster

tillytoodles1 · 25/06/2019 10:11

Thanks, I'll just say no thanks and carry on walking.

OP posts:

onalongsabbatical · 25/06/2019 10:16

But your title says you're a bit scared of him OP? Is it more than you describe, is it verging on creepy? Because then you say he's a nice man. Sounds to me he could be targeting you knowing you're vulnerable, not just being friendly. If he's a nice man and just being friendly he won't in the least mind you saying no.

MyOpinionIsValid · 25/06/2019 10:18

Why are you scared of him?

formerbabe · 25/06/2019 10:23

Sorry for you loss

he's a nice man and I don't want to be rude

This is typical, learnt female behaviour...that's not me being derogatory to you by the way. But you know, women are conditioned to be polite, people pleasers.

Your title says you're scared by him..that doesn't make him sound like a nice man. He sounds like a chancer to me.

I'd keep very aloof, don't let him into your house, don't go into his. If he tries to engage you in chat when you're leaving or coming home, just say you're really busy and can't stop to chat.

tenlittlecygnets · 25/06/2019 10:28

How do I make him see that I'm not remotely interested in him, but he's a nice man and I don't want to be rude.

Which is it? He's a nice man or he scares you? Either way, you owe him nothing. You don't have to please him or be nice to him. He is a CF asking you out so soon after your h died.

Is he thinking of your feelings? Who knows. But if he's a nice man, he won't mind you turning him down - or telling him he's being inappropriate. If he's not, it doesn't matter what he thinks.

I'm sorry for your loss, op.

Pinotjo · 25/06/2019 10:38

for you. Maybe he is just a nice man, knows your husband has passed and is trying, cack handed, to be nice, paying you a compliment etc. Maybe thinks you want company. I'd be polite at first, he may not realise hes being a little inapropriate, "no thank you" and keep walking. If he doesn't get the message, then ignore. I always go for politeness first

onalongsabbatical · 25/06/2019 11:05

Sorry I answered a bit quick and neglected to say I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

BigRedLondonBus · 25/06/2019 11:09

Just say no?

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 25/06/2019 11:21

Hi OP I'm so sorry for your loss and also that this man is seriously over stepping boundaries. I think you're right to start with a polite "no thanks" as it could be his social skills are a bit dodgy and he genuinely doesn't realise he's being inappropriate. Benefit of the doubt and all that, but he gets that pass once and once only. However I also think mineof had an excellent response too.

I think it's possible too for someone on the surface to seem a good guy but at the same time trigger that creepy feeling in our gut. I know it's an extreme example but that's one of the reasons Ten Buddy was so prolific. Obviously not trying to suggest he's a serial killer but just to highlight the contradiction.

I hope he gets the message quickly OP X

Candymay · 25/06/2019 11:25

Don’t worry about being polite to this ‘nice man’. I’m sorry for your loss. Be frosty with this inappropriate behaviour from the neighbour and if it continues maybe you will need to be assertive or get a friend to help. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 25/06/2019 11:56

Agree with candyman and others posters who have said don't worry about polite, I meant it more that I'd give any adult, regardless of sex, an initial pass and be polite as I'd hope others would with me.

But especially if this guy is tripping your spider senses after that it's firm and clear.

MelonSlice · 25/06/2019 12:15

What's wrong with being polite?

formerbabe · 25/06/2019 12:30

What's wrong with being polite?

A lot of men take being polite as a come on.

theworldistoosmall · 25/06/2019 12:35

I don't understand why he's overstepping boundaries.
All the op has said is they say hello and he asked her round for a drink.
If he was female, there would be no questions asked.

Until I have more from op I am ignoring the scared bit, as a lot of people on here seem to be scared of their door bell.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 25/06/2019 12:35

Politeness in itself isn't wrong. Politeness because of a woman's social conditioning in a situation where she feels uneasy, unsafe or threatened is not just wrong it can be downright dangerous.

Beesandcheese · 25/06/2019 12:36

You don't need a "good" reason, that you don't want to is good enough. Just say, "no thanks" or the mums net gold standard " that doesn't work for me". Maintain your boundaries. he's awful if he's not picked up on how inappropriate he is being.

MyOpinionIsValid · 25/06/2019 12:37

A lot of men take being polite as a come on.

And most men don't.

All Ive deducated from the OP is she has sadly lost her DH (we dont know the circumstances) the bloke down the road says things everyone says in passing.

Theres a down right nasty streak at times that would like to see any one who is pleasant get a right savage kicking just in case they are groomer/abuser/paedo/narc/other buzz word.

formerbabe · 25/06/2019 12:43

All Ive deducated from the OP is she has sadly lost her DH (we dont know the circumstances) the bloke down the road says things everyone says in passing

I highly doubt he complimented the ops appearance when her husband was alive nor asked her for a drink.

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 25/06/2019 12:44

OP is recently bereaved. Her neighbour can be neighbourly without commenting on her appearance and asking her over for a drink. I don't think it's appropriate for him to be this forward right now. OP has said she feels scared. Hopefully he's just mis-judged the situation and will as she asks leave her alone.

I'm not advocating for anyone to "get a kicking " rather for OP to know it's fine to say no in the manner she feels most comfortable so she can maintain her boundaries. It's not the same thing.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 25/06/2019 12:51

Either the bloke has the social skills of a fruit fly, or he is really trying to take advantage of the OP when she is understandably at a vulnerable time. OP doesn't owe him anything.
I'm not advocating for anyone to "get a kicking " rather for OP to know it's fine to say no in the manner she feels most comfortable so she can maintain her boundaries. It's not the same thing
This.

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