To be pissed off at "D"P

[1sttimemummyxx]

Hi,

First time posting here but wanting some advice as he's really annoying me and I've escaped to the bath with a glass of wine. Sorry it's going to be a rant...

I have a beautiful 7 week old baby boy who I adore but of course the sleepless nights are taking their toll. Tbf I think it could be a lot worse (at first he was waking at 1am and 5am, but now it is usually 3am and 7am) so a lot better but he is awake for a couple of hours each time with feeding and trying to settle him.

I am fed up of anytime I tell my partner I am tired he tells me he is too because he's been to work. He is working the same hours as before our son was born and he never does a night feed - he sleeps straight through so I can't see the difference. He does one bottle (sometimes) when he gets in from work and a nappy change.

Last weekend I said we're both to have one lie in at the weekend - but I still do the middle of the night one as he doesn't wake so this means he gets up and does the 6 or 7 o'clock feed and I go back sleep for a couple of hours. As much as I would like him to do the 3am, the one time he did it before he fell asleep while feeding the baby which terrified me and id now sit up watching him anyway.

We were arguing yesterday as I had had enough of IMO him not doing enough and he said that he 'lets' me go back sleep for an hour when he gets in from work (this is maybe once or twice a week) and why am I moaning when I just sit on my arse all day! I think this is because on days where the baby has only settled on me or been crying for a long time, I have said to him that I haven't managed to get anything done as I've had my hands full all day.

He's saying he's coming in from work and tidying up and making dinner. He always made dinner anyway (he's a chef and doesn't like my cooking lol) so again no different. But it isnt every day - only when the baby has been particularly fussy. The other days When he gets in and I hand the baby over, I then put washing on / away and any other bits I need to do.

I am telling him I am struggling with how different this is - going from full time work and seeing people every day to just being at home and when it's a bad day with lots of crying it's hard. Tbf I think this is getting better now, I've had lots of smiles from the baby today and he's had two long naps where I can get the housework done and feel useful again!

Sorry for the long post, basically I just wanted to know AIBU in expecting more support from him, emotional / hands on. Or should I only expect this at weekends?

Thank you if you got this far!

Having a new baby is a tester in all relationships and this can be completely normal but it definitely sounds like you need to work together a bit more.

I hate it when men say they go to work so can’t helo out. Ok, yes they do go to work which is great but it doesn’t mean they can abandon all their responsibilities when they get in.

He needs to help out more. I never expected OH to do the night feeds before a full day at work BUT he would do the night feeds at least or twice a week so I could get a full nights sleep.

On a work night he would often stay up and do the last feed before bed around 10/11pm and I’d get into bed around 8.30 - to get some zzz’s before the night feeds!

Being in all day with a baby is hard, really lonely and repetitive at times but it will get better, I promise.

It’s all about working together. Not comparing how tired you both are (I don’t doubt you’re both tired) and helping each other out, being fair and working with each other.

My DC are older now. I’m a SAHM still whilst he works. I do most of the housework but we take in turns cooking and he bathes the children whilst I clean up afterwards. My kids can be nightmares at bedtimes so we alternate nights so one of us can chill. At the weekends we pretty much shade everything!

Hugs 🤗

Share not shade

I don’t think your being unreasonable. I have a 13 week old (and a 3 year old) so probably in a very similar situation.

We take a night each for getting up, I say getting up but baby sleeps from 10-7 mostly. Hubby takes eldest to nursery 2 days a week and I do pick up with baby in tow. When hubby gets in from work he’ll take baby from me and spend time playing or trying to settle him if it’s be a crap day. He cooks most nights, I will do some. He’s not very good at house work but he tries but generally I do all household chores with the exception of the dishes and the baby bottles. We take turn about to bathe and our eldest to bed and the other plays/cuddles baby.
At the weekends I take a back seat as hubby really only gets an hour or two a day with the kids. I do need more sleep than him and he’ll generally let me sleep in ( when I say sleep in no later than 8 usually is my limit haha)

We’re mostly happy with the arrangement and I think he’s a very hands on dad. He’s even changed jobs when baby came along so he didn’t have to travel abroad anymore and has got flexi time to fit around us.

I still moan at him that he’s never had both kids all day on his own but that’s me not really leaving him on his own, he’d gladly do it. He never makes me feel bad for not getting anything done in the house and is generally very helpful.

You need to get up early one weekend morning, bathe, dress and wake up Prince Charming,inform him you are leaving for a day to refresh then hand your sweet baby over to him and then get the fuck out of there -return after dinner time and go back and see how well he coped!

Thank you for your replies. Venting and reading those have made me feel better and calmer!

Once I've had a proper sleep i know I'll feel better!

I think it's made worse because I want to talk - or expect to tell him what I want and him listen, but he gets defensive and we'll snap at each other - again caused by tiredness I think!

I'm finding baby life is getting easier, so hopefully sorting the other half out will get easier too!

EKGEMS - I have been thinking this but I've put myself off it as I know I'd miss him (the baby - not the other half!) and don't know how they'd get on! But think I need to make myself do it!

You should sleep when the baby sleeps, the housework can wait, you could just do the essentials. What about a sling or a travel cot downstairs and let the baby nap in it while you get on with your things, at 7 weeks they will be sleeping alot, so you really should take advantage of this time and even though it's broken sleep, it is still some sleep.

I though think you are being UR expecting your dp to do the 3am feed, he is at work during the day, he comes in and takes over with baby, does dinner and cleans up the house, he then does the 7am feed. By you doing the 3am feed it means you can have a nap when you need one the following day.

Between the two of on his days off, you arrange that one day he has his lie in and the other day you have a lie in, each person does a pick of jobs that needs doing around the house, with the two of you there on his days off it will make this easier.

Hi,

I feel your pain about how hard it sometimes can be to raise a baby. I'm a first time mummy to my 6 week old little girl so pretty much at the same stage as you (except that my husband helps out every way he can, even with an injured hand).

I don't mean to be disrespectful, I'm sure your husband is normally very lovely, but it's not very nice of him to imply you have it easier just because you don't have a job. Looking after a crying, eating, pooping machine 24/7 is a JOB. It's rewarding, but damn hard.

Maybe you could arrange a little get away for yourself with your friends, maybe an all day spa trip or something and get your husband to look after the baby, feeding, bathing, nappy changing etc. and let him experience what it's really like to have the baby to look after. Not just part time or the things he likes to do, but all day and everything. Let's see what he says then about you supposedly 'just sitting on your arse' all day.

Thanks for your reply lipz.

I don't expect him to do the 3am feed - but the 7am feed on one day at the weekend. I asked for that this weekend, it was met with grumbles, so I just handed baby to him and turned over.

I am trying to sleep when baby does in the day but it's like he knows I'm going to sleep, because as soon as I close my eyes his open!

Yes he is normally lovely, it's just getting to me that he seems to think I have it easy all day every day! He is very hands on at weekends, come morning time. Just likes to remind me he's tired - but after his full nights sleep I could quite happily kill him

Going to work was definitely a breeze compared to staying at home! He just says he'd prefer to be at home.

I do actually have a spa day booked in for next month which I am very much looking forward to, so will see what he says about his day when I come home that night!

I found it so much harder being at home with the kids than going to work tbh.
He needs to help out more.
How are you feeling day to day? Isle maybe see if you can chat with the GP or health visitor.
Baby blues are normal, but you want to make sure it doesn’t develop into something more serious

Unless you've been through it you cannot truly understand the toll of long term sleep deprivation. Many Dad's do the odd night to help out and think it's not so bad. Try not getting more than 3/4hrs sleep a night for months on end and then see how you feel.

You need to really spell it out for him and agree regular night-shift and lie ins. And don't feel bad/guilty. If he gives you the 'I go to work' bullshit tell him plenty of men manage to have jobs and be Dad's. If he thinks its that easy get him to do all night shifts for one week.

I don't think it is the baby blues - I love being with my baby and wouldn't want to change that, I think I just want to feel more supported that this is hard work - just as hard as going out to work every day. It's more the sleep that's getting to me, once I sleep more it'll be easier but I'd like to feel that he understands it's not just easy everyday and I'm not doing nothing

YANBU he is actually being a dick

His life hasn't changed at all hardly since having a baby and yours has been turned upside down

If looking after a newborn is so easy why does it make people depressed? Why do people struggle to find time to have a shower or brush their teeth or cook their lunch or have 1 min to themselves if its such a walk in the park?

I know it's a difficult concept to understand just how hard it is if you've not done it, but you're explicitly telling him and he's not actually listening. I mean you've got to have zero empathy or actually be stupid to moan about being tired, to someone with a newborn doing all the night work. It's not massively stretching to imagine that getting up for an hour every few hours for weeks on end can make you feel like absolute shit and that 'letting you' sleep an hour extra will make fuck all difference.

@SignedUpJust4This
I think that's it he just doesn't understand the sleep deprivation. But knowing how bad he is when he doesn't sleep well I know he wouldn't cope with this 7 weeks in. And it's just the understanding I'm wanting.

Thanks for all your replies ladies you've made me feel much better!
I've just put baby down to sleep so I'm going to get some sleep before he wakes up. Thanks again all! X

Also the sitting on your arse all day comment is very disrespectful

@AmIRightOrAMeringue
What you've written there is exactly what I was telling him tonight. That his life hasn't changed at all while mine is completely different - not that I'm not loving having my baby, I am, even though all this may read as I'm just moaning! so yes I do think he's stupid!
I think I'm going to be doing what pp have suggested, leave him for the day, and after that hopefully he has more of an understanding!

You could also keep a sleep diary showing how much your sleep has been disturbed and how little his has...

Monday - awake 12-2
Tuesday - awake 12.45-3
Etc

Soon adds up!

Might sound a bit juvenile but he’s being juvenile in the way he’s acting!

@tenlittlecygnets up again, I can try that now lol

Oh dear, hope you got some sleep... seriously, some people don’t understand until you spell it out to them.

There wasn't much last night, but I let him know how many times and the times we were up in the night, had a big talk and for now I'm hopeful things will improve.
He's having a late start (this doesn't normally happen) tomorrow, so will be doing tonight. Fingers crossed....

I’m a big fan of waking them. Every time my dh is thoughtless, I stop trying so hard to preserve his sleep. Our babies have been terrible sleepers and if he isn’t grateful for my doing most of the nights he can bloody well pitch in. He definitely notices the difference being told to walk around for the next 30-60 minutes a couple of times a night (which is still only a fraction of what I do) . I get all the weekend sleep ins, no chance he can sleep all night then get a sleep in as well.

My husband came home from work once and asked me what had i been doing all day but in a horrible way so i went upstairs, packed a bag and went to my mothers for 4 days.

He never asked again.

I've just started sleeping through the night for past 8mths, and my dc are 11 and 4! Both were terrible sleepers, breastfed, and DP can sleep through a bomb going off! Parenting is hard, lack of sleep is the worse bit. Lately my 4yo won't let Daddy get her up so mummy can have a lie in😕

This was one of the reasons I’ve decided never to have children. As awesome as my husband is and I’m sure many others DH’s are the devision of childcare/chores is never 50/50 and the majority of the responsibility almost always falls on the woman.