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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it's not fair his ex affects us?

25 replies

Flutra · 24/06/2019 20:16

Dp of five months has a small child with his ex. They split after an affair on her side and she moved in with the other man.

Since we have been together the ex messages him to vent when her current relationship is going wrong. He doesnt reply as such, just tells her its her problem but it doesn't seem to put her off texting him each time. Thing is, every time she does something to piss him off, I feel his mood too and it clouds our time together. Aibu?

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2019 · 24/06/2019 20:19

Sounds like hes not over her op

Ponoka7 · 24/06/2019 20:20

Only he can control how he reacts to her.

You'd have to give examples of what pisses him off, for us to accurately judge.

You don't have to put up with his moods.

Vulpine · 24/06/2019 20:20

People have pasts

TheCatDidSay · 24/06/2019 20:21

Five months and it’s hassle. Bin it.

NCforthis2019 · 24/06/2019 20:27

He has a child with her so of course he’s going to be affected by bits of her life. Presumable - he loves her and cares for her in some way. She is the mother of his child. You say she had an affair - quite possibly he isn’t over her yet. How long ago did they split up? I would be inclined to give him more space seeing as how he’s not quite there yet.

Flutra · 24/06/2019 20:34

They broke up just over a year ago

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 24/06/2019 20:42

Doesn't sound like either of them are fully ready to move on

IsabellaLinton · 24/06/2019 20:45

DP of five months?!Grin

Stompythedinosaur · 24/06/2019 20:48

His past is part of him. His ex will always be in his life as the mum of his dc. It doesn't sound like a significant relationship if it's only been a few months, so maybe consider if you want to stick it long term or not.

Flutra · 24/06/2019 20:49

Isabella, i don't like the word 'boyfriend'

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 24/06/2019 20:50

Agree that it's still relatively soon after their break up and they are still clearly emotional in their reactions to one another. I would back off from thinking of this as a long term thing.

Livelovebehappy · 24/06/2019 20:51

Unfortunately OP, broken relationships generally don’t generate good will between the parties involved. Ever. You will get the odd ex’s getting on okay, but mostly there will be constant issues and drama until the DCs are adults. It’s something you have to accept when you enter into a relationship with someone with baggage I’m afraid.

Flutra · 24/06/2019 20:56

He assures me he is over her and never hides her messages or anything like if she texts about the dd, he'll message her back on the laptop right while I'm sat there so I'm not threatened by her but the constant drama (most of it isn't even over the dd!) Is draining!

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 24/06/2019 21:04

She's always going to be part of his life because of their child. You need to ask yourself if you are ready to deal with that for the next X number of years.

NailsNeedDoing · 24/06/2019 21:07

If it's draining five months in, then you're in the wrong relationship.

funinthesun19 · 24/06/2019 21:11

Ugh. You’re better off binning him if it’s like this only 5 months in.

Bluerussian · 24/06/2019 21:13

You've only been with him five months, I hope you are not living together yet.

He doesn't have to respond to phone calls from his ex while he is with you. If he tells you about it, just be breezy and change the subject - it's his problem, not yours.

However it does sound as though he and his ex have unfinished business. In your position I'd cool it a bit, still be friendly but less involved and leave him to sort out his domestic problems.

LilQueenie · 24/06/2019 21:13

tbh it sounds as if maybe the ex isn't quite over him. If she only vents to him when things are going badly with the new guy maybe its because she is hoping she will take him back or she is going for the 'still friends' approach thinking he will still support her in some way. delusional but it happens.

oldbitch · 24/06/2019 21:28

Five months is early days.
Replace the word ex with 'Mother' or 'Father'
How would you deal with a partner who had massive issues with a close family member that was difficult to manage due to 'boundary issues' on both sides or him having 'difficulty regulating his own feelings in regard to other challenging close relationships'?

Bottom line is that some people have more stuff to struggle with than others family wise and some are able to manage and compartmentalise it and others are still at the stage where they are learning to do that and others have not even begun to do that.

The question you need to ask yourself now is, 'Do I want to be part of this person's emotional struggles'?

Baggage comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes, it isn't just kids and exes, it is parents, siblings, work relationships etc.

If you're sense of unease is firing now at five months, due to his inability to manage his feelings down to a compartmentalised and 'you considering' place of neutrality after an emotional text from his child's Mother, then maybe you are asking yourself some VERY GOOD questions about the future of this relationship in terms of what you are willing/able to live with.

You can only deal with, what you can honestly deal with in life. That is not the same as putting up and shutting up or aiming for some sort of fantastic martyrdom born of love. Be honest FOR yourself and WITH yourself. Is this something that you can discuss with him reasonably? Is it reasonable to expect someone with other relational issues to compartmentalise them as they are happening or do that after a period of 'dealing' or would you expect that person to just not accept messages from family members who cause stress because of the way it impacts your relationship?

These are your questions and only you can answer them.

My best advice is that you can only ever really know your OWN best course of action and that your gut feelings of misgiving are very rarely wrong when thinking about how much you can take on, the too great sacrifice often means becoming resentful to the point that it explodes the world anyway.

Five months is very little to be already hacked off with ex and small child drama. Perhaps you would be happier in a relationship where neither of you had majorly differing baggage?

PinkGlitter123 · 24/06/2019 21:35

Doesn't sound like he is ready to move on to be honest.
Getting with someone so soon after a break up, especially one who has been cheated on is always going to be extremely hard. Doesn't sound worth it to me.

Bluerussian · 24/06/2019 22:52

What's wrong with the word 'boyfriend'? Must be better than DP!

happyhillock · 24/06/2019 22:55

He could block her number then she can't txt him

theWarOnPeace · 24/06/2019 23:18

Why do people rush everything? Well, this is drama 5 months in. They haven’t been split for long really before you came along. All seems a bit intense and fast. How old is the baby?

PinkGlitter123 · 25/06/2019 08:22

She can't really ask her boyfriend to block his ex. They have a child together and will always need to communicate in terms of that. The separate issue is the friendly texts between them which shows there is still unfinished business and emotions. There can't really not be at this point as they have only been separated a couple of months. He definitely will not be ready for another serious with you and you deserve better.

Preggosaurus9 · 25/06/2019 08:27

He's not the only man in the world. Find one without a child!

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