Down time

[potatofiend]

I’m a long time lurker but have been too scared to post anything but I’m not desperate for advice or for someone’s opinion on the situation. This is probably going to get long because I don’t want to be accused of drip-feeding.

My DP and I have been together for two and a half years, we have a young DS. We are due to be married later on this year.

My DP goes to uni, his days are very sporadic and spends roughly 2.5 days there per week. When he is a uni i look after DS and the house. I also work 4 evening a week.

My partner meets up with his friends fairly infrequently (roughly every 6-8 weeks) which I’m completely fine with. They offer come to our house so I take DS over to DM so they can have peace as they listen to music and write screenplays together.

This is the AIBU bit, whenever he makes plans with he friends I ask when I can go out I do something I want away from DS. He almost always replies that I’ll be getting to do what I want by taking DS over to DM and that is my down time. I don’t class this as down time as I still have to look after DS even though DM is very helpful. He also classes my work as down time as I enjoy it largely but my boss can be very ‘off’ with my sometimes and makes it difficult for me to work there (think pushing blame onto be etc...)

I personally don’t this this is fair in me as I then end up feeling very trapped. When he’s a uni I don’t leave the house for days or if I do leave the house I end up going to DM house, work or the shops.

AIBU to this I should be allowed an afternoon every 6-8 weeks to do some actual down time or do I just have to suck it up?

Are you kidding me? Work is your down time? As is looking after your son while he sees his friends? He is massively unreasonable. You deserve your own down time to do what you want (or not do anything at all)

Yanbu. I would off on getting married if this is the way he thinks.

Our situation is very similar to yours. Dh studies and I work evenings. I get very little down time with our usual routine. However I just book an afternoon or something with a friend and go out. Dh just takes over without complaint.

It's a great person in every other respect. He's brilliant with DS and treats me really well but he's just made a comment staying that he feels like it's been forever since he's seen his friends (it's only been 3ish weeks) and I haven't done anything for myself since I went wedding dress shopping with DM. DM even offered to have DS when I was at work the other day so DP could relax.

Can’t your mum babysit so you can go out on the evenings you stay there?

I get very annoyed when ppl try to tell you that being at work is 'a break ' . It is still work. It is nota bloody break!! Sod off telling me this is a treat I should appreciate. Down time without children is what you need.
Your partner needs to realise this and share the load. It's exhausting to never have time to yourself.

What would happen if you just arranged to do something and just said to him you were going out a such a time on such a day? It's easy to get caught up in competitive conversations about who does more, who gets more down time etc but rather than having conversations in the abstract just plan something and tell him you are doing it.

Don’t ask him. Tell him “I’m going out on Thursday with x so make sure your home by 7” or similar.

YANBU. Apart from anything else, who made him the judge of what YOU should classify as down time?? Ridiculous. Nip that in the bud (take it from a place of experience here). If I were you I'd just do something - you don't need permission. And he acts like you do, then you need a really good conversation to iron out a few things.

I never understand when people say ‘I asked my husband if I could go out’. He’s not your dad! He is your child’s though, so in the same way he says ‘I’m seeing my friends on sunday’ you say ‘I’m planning on going out on Thursday, you don’t already have plans do you?’
Don’t say ‘will you look after child’ or ‘is that alright’, it’s his child too, and by the sounds of it he doesn’t even have the standard ‘I’ve been working all day’ excuse as to why he can’t do any childcare 🙄

Er, no, your partner is definitely in the wrong.

You need to book in a regular night out with friends (or whatever it is you want to do) and he needs to facilitate that graciously.

Very irritated on your behalf that you had to ask!

Ask your mom to babysit both children to give you a break and NO he is immature and selfish

How is he a brilliant dad if he won’t even look after DS while you go out?