To feel depressed on my wedding anniversary...

[Nuckyscarnation]

Two years ago was genuinely one of the happiest days of my life. Such a beautiful perfect day and I felt so much hope for the future.

Fast forward two years and I just feel so...flat! We now have ten month old twins. I adore being a mum more than anything, but I’m constantly knackered. I’m not working and DH only works minimum wage so we’re skint. DH has depression and anxiety and I feel he’s only half present a lot of the time. I try to be supportive but I just end up feeling resentful on a regular basis. Today being a perfect example. He worked a night shift last night (9pm until 6am) Today we both had appointments at 11am. He came in and wanted to go back to bed for a few hours even though I needed him to watch babies while I showered etc. When I explained this to him I got told to “hurry up” as if I was lazing around drinking coffee rather than feeding our babies breakfast and clearing up after them. It’s like his bloody sleep is sacrosanct but it’s fine for me to always be shattered.

I just want things to improve but I don’t know where to start

Go easy on yourself, having a young baby is exhausting & twins I can only imagine.
YANBU to feel a bit down
Your DH is not BU to want to sleep after working all night.
Happy anniversary 💐

He doesn’t do any work though! He sits on his arse (by his own admission) and he doesn’t have to go back until Friday!

Thank you for the flowers though😊 I will attempt to pull myself together and stop moping.

You both sound exhausted. Can you find anyone to look after the babies so you have a day off together? To have a nice time/rebond?

He might sit on his arse at work but ime that's harder and more tiring than actually doing something.

You are both v tired, for different reasons, and it's had not to fall into the trap of competitive tiredness / who does most work / who has most time "off" / who has the hardest life.

If your twins are 10 months, you're almost past the needy baby stage. I'm not saying it'll necessarily get easier but they'll soon start getting more independent and you'll be more free to get stuff done without then clinging on to you. Try to keep that "light at the end of the tunnel" thought in your mind.

If he has 3 or 4 days off, arrange between yourselves a day or half a day off each where you either sleep, do housework, go for an uninterrupted brew etc - anything that will make you both feel more like yourselves. Make this a regular thing as much as is possible and you might begin to get your spark back.

Are you going back to work? It might help with the family finances if so, though it might not help the tiredness!

It’s so frustrating when you just want a quick shower and change of clothes to feel human again... but as a night shift worker myself I know the exhaustion is very real. It doesn’t matter how long you sleep in the day, the fog and nausea never pass. The desperation to get to bed is unreal...

Has you DH considered coming off nights, the pattern of night shifts has been proven multiple times to be detrimental to mental and physical health. Aside from this, he most certainly should be getting paid above minimum wage for unsociable shifts.

@Newgirls my parents would have the babies. I find spending time with him frustrating though because he doesn’t talk to me half the time. He’s always staring off into space etc. It’s his depression but it just makes me feel more alone with him. I crave connection but don’t feel like I get it

@freshasthebrightbluesky I probably sound unsympathetic, but he gets loads more sleep than me. He works a mix of nights and days. He makes no effort with his sleep patterns though. He’s been in bed all day today but he’ll be on his PS4 until at least 1.30am. Whereas I’ll be in bed early even though I don’t want to be because I’m up with babies during night and they wake at 5.30am for the day!

He plays football every week so he does have time to himself. It’s me that doesn’t. I need to make more effort in that department.

I need to go back to work but there’s childcare issues that I’m currently trying to find away around.

@Pippa12 Sadly nights are part of that job as DH is a support worker. He needs to find something else, but he says I need to help him and I struggle to find the time looking after the babies. Unfortunately the reality is that in DH line of work you don’t get extra for unsociable hours and it’s a minimum wage job.

Being a support worker sounds draining. Maybe get time together and take it slowly - don’t expect deep chats jut go and do nice things to lift the mood. I think 10 mths still v new and tiring for both and a period of adjustment to this newlife and responsibilities is really tough x

DH is a support worker. He needs to find something else, but he says I need to help him

Huh? Why? How?

I do think you're underestimating how difficult night shifts are, especially on a mixed pattern, regardless of how busy he is on a shift. They mess up our bodies' natural rhythmns and cycles and can make us really ill.