AIBU about staying with parents V staying in a hotel

[Wheresthecoffee92]

Person A is from Asia originally, and takes their spouse and children back to their home to visit fairly regularly (once a year or once every two years. The trip is usually around 4-6 weeks long.

Person B wants to stay with their parents in their family home, while visiting. Parents live with grandparents and Party A's sister and baby. It's very important to parents that Person A stays in the house due to traditional reasons (would be seen as upsetting and embarrassing for them if Person A, spouse and children stayed in a hotel - it's bad enough culturally that they don't live in their house all year round!

Person B is fine to visit but does not want to stay in the house. Has stayed there on every other visit and been frankly bored. The house is very crowded with 5 other adults living there and one other baby. Person B is not from this culture and thinks that staying in a hotel would be better because it's more fun for them and the children, and has more of a holiday vibe rather than sitting in the house all day while Person A is recruited by parents to help out with jobs/goes to visit old friends. Person B cannot go out without Person A (due to transport and safety reasons) so is 'stuck in the house' if Party A goes out alone.

Party B feels that staying in a hotel would be much more fun for them and the kids as there would be a pool, a play area, a bar/restaurant, etc. Says the family could still visit parents every day, but could also have more of a holiday experience if staying in a hotel.

Person B is also concerned because Person A's parents home is not at all childproof - front and back door are left open between the hours of 7am - 7pm due to this being necessary to cool the house. Front door leads to a driveway with no gate and so easy access to the road (roads in this country are even more dangerous than usual and also more sinister problems like child snatchings which have been a problem in the city in the not-very-distant past) and the back door leads to a sheer drop with a small rickety staircase in the middle to lead down to the garden. The house is also not baby-proof with wires galore, no baby-gates on sharp, tiled stairs etc. At the bottom of the garden is a huge lake with only a very low wall between the garden and the lake, which also isn't safe.

Person B feels resentful that when Person A goes out without them, to help with jobs or for whatever reason (this happens often, almost daily) they will be left in the house and unable to relax because of the dangerous setting which means Person B is constantly on edge and that they and children have to just wait in the main living area as the rest of the house and garden is unsafe. This gets boring for them very quickly.

Person A thinks that the best solution is to pay for the house and garden to be childproofed. Person B says that if this involved nothing but buying a few baby-gates etc then they wouldn't mind, but realistically it would involve walling in the garden, putting up a front gate, sorting out the sheer drop, building new steps in the garden, and would cost around £2000.

Person A says this is no problem as they will probably inherit the house and land one day so it's not a waste of money, and that if they pay £2000 to childproof it, they can stay there every year.

Person A says it's ridiculous to spend £2000 doing work to someone else's house and garden and it's better and will be more fun just to get a hotel. Spending £2000 to stay somewhere they don't want to stay doesn't really appeal either!

Person A thinks Person B is being a bit selfish and not understanding their culture, which says that Person A and Person B should both be living in the house, not just living in another country and coming back for holidays, so this is the least they can do! Person A feels that their parents will be deeply hurt and embarrassed if they take a hotel. They think it is just a few weeks of the year, and they should suck it up.

Person B understands and doesn't want to hurt Person A's parents but wants to have a relaxing holiday too, as they work hard all year and as they can only afford one holiday a year, they think the trip should be a compromise of what they all want.

Person B says they and the kids are bored being stuck in the house, and as it's not childproof theyre always a bit on edge. There's no privacy and although they have their own room to sleep in, during the day this is a communal room so no private space during the daytime hours at all. Person B appreciates that Person A does try to make the trip fun, but finds staying in someone else's crowded, non-childproofed house, having no privacy, and feeling stuck indoors most of the time to not be a fun holiday which quite frankly they feel they deserve after all their hard work the rest of the year. It's not a short holiday (if it was a week or so it would be different of course) and Person A's family don't speak good English so although there are people around constantly, they feel a bit bored because the conversation is always in the native language which isn't much fun either.

I think it's pretty obvious who Person A and Person B is - but I wanted to attempt to be a bit neutral! (Not sure I've done a great job of it though!) Who is being unreasonable and WWYD?

For this specific situation, yanbu. But when you marry a man from the ME/Subcontinent you know what you're marrying into so my sympathy is limited overall. Feel sorry for your kids mind.

Obviously you’re person B. I think the best solution is probably to see if you can work maybe two weeks of hotel time into the six weeks so it’s presented as a holiday within a holiday rather than the full stay in a hotel. Maybe staying at a resort or somewhere so you’re actually going somewhere rather than just refusing to stay with them.

And yes, A should pay for the child proofing especially as you will be returning again, inheriting, it will be cheaper than a hotel and last for years.

Lastly, I have a family somewhat like this because no one out of me, my siblings or my spouse’s siblings is married to someone who is from the same culture and nationality as themselves. Basically what I’ve learned from that is that if you marry/have kids with someone from a different culture to your own then you have to be open towards including some of the cultural aspects of them and their family in your life and you most definitely need to be respectful of their family’s culture and practices.

So basically yes, you will need to spend a large chunk of the time with his family during the trip. If you’re not up for being respectful of someone else’s culture and traditions even if that means sometimes you’re a bit bored and fed up then don’t marry them or have kids with someone. You’ve got an opportunity to have a unique experience and learn a lot about a different culture, your children’s culture FFS so being moany, miserable, complaining about where you’re staying and avoiding your in laws is rude and ungrateful.

I’ve had various BILs/SILs who’ve sat around in their pyjamas all day playing on their phones, or expected females relatives to wait on them without thanks or refused to make as much as a cup of tea because that’s their own culture which they refuse to put aside. Refusing to be respectful of your partner and their family’s culture will make you appear rude, inconsiderate, ignorant, arrogant, close minded, a bit backward and very uncultured yourself. You might not have Sky, 4G WiFi, soft play, McDonalds or a shopping mall round the corner but you’re together as a family and can read and play, learn the language, paint talk etc, etc.

Try and build some breaks, in going to different places or hotels for a week or two. But you chose to have a relationship and children with someone of a different culture; if you don’t want to spend time living in a different way without marmite and tea bags you shouldn’t have done that. Believe me, new comers who don’t try and be respectful and join in with the family always end up looking like twats and making a rod for their own back.

I could just about tolerate 2-3 weeks in my mum's house, which is childproof and has loads of space. 4-6 weeks in your person B's situation and I would go bonkers. The best compromise I think would be to shorten the trip to 3 weeks, let your DP person A stay longer if they like.

I haven't read through the whole thread but I think you will find that even though the house is not childproof to European standards, children have survived with little accidents over the years

Just sayin

Oh dear, I am with you - B

Visits need to be shorter for you and you should be in a hotel with DC. Either that or he goes alone and you can go on a proper holiday somewhere else with the DC?

Can he go for 6 weeks and stay with parents, and you and the DC visit for two weeks and stay in a hotel?

6 weeks is in some cultures a pretty standard length of time to visit and far less than some.
Personally I never understand why when someone has kids with someone from a different culture, they don't check out beforehand what that will actually mean. No family is an island, there are always extended family, and this is always going to have an impact, unless your partner is NC.

I'd seriously be telling Person A to head off on his own to visit his family. I wouldn't want to stay in a house where I gather it's hot, and has no air conditioning (due to doors being opened) with 5 other adults. I'd manage a night or 2 in those circumstances but not 4-6 weeks. If he went over and did whatever jobs needed doing, you could join him after a couple of weeks and stay in a hotel. That way he'd have time to spend with you and the kids as well as his family. As for him inheriting the house - surely the sister will still be living there for some time so by the time his grandparents and parents are all dead and the sister moves on, what use will the house be to ye? I wouldn't give any consideration to the inheritance and therefore wouldn't spend a penny on improving a house that I'd rarely use.

Hotel all the way op.

Blimey, I didn't bother to read the full thread sorry, far too long. Would've been much easier to understand if you'd just referred to yourself and your dp. Anyway whoever wants to stay in the hotel is not being unreasonable. It's their holiday too and they shouldn't have to spend it in a cramped house with nothing to do. As long as they don't stop the other person from spending time with their family I can't see the problem.

Obviously person As family and culture are to be respected and they mean a lot to her.
But with all it ceases to be a holiday for person B as A tends to do chores and visit. Then there is the worrying lack of safety.
I would not want that amount of money spent on dh family home.
Could there be some sort of compromise?

Stay with parents a week or 10 days and then an apartment the rest., or A stay with her family while B and child in hotel ?
Sorry A but I could not do what you are asking of B .

It's got to be split - 2 weeks or so with the parents in the house that's hard work then 2 weeks afterwards in a 'holiday' hotel in the same country that has a pool or whatever.
even the parents/grandparents must understand the concept of a proper 'holiday'.

You are B, and you have confused the letters a few times.

I'm Team B, no way would you have got me in the plane a second time. One holiday a year is not to be spent constantly stressed. Neither if you live in this country or culture anymore and A's families cultural expectations do not get to be imposed on person B and their children.

My comprise would be visiting the country but staying in a hotel. I wouldn't want the house because it seems the Sister needs it.

I'd be in the hotel every time. Or rent a villa like someone else suggested if there are such places nearby. The more I hear about the dangers of inter cultural relationships (kids being taken back to the dads country etc) especially where it's a culture that doesn't have liberated women, the more glad I am I married a local boy TBH.

I have an idea..
Assuming there is no air conditioning at tge family home (doors left open front & back), then as you are unaccustomed to the heat, you may have to stay in an airconditioned hotel or villa for HEALTH reasons? Maybe you are particularly prone to heatstroke, for example, or fainting?
That gets you off the hook and allows the in laws to save face culturally.

That, combined with your DH travelling out a couple of weeks earlier to complete all the jobs, and you all (you, DH & DC) travelling to another area of his home country during the trip for a week or two to give your DC a fuller experience of their family’s country/culture.

of course yanbu. you've tried it your dhs way and it's not been nice for you or your dc. your dh needs to compromise with you. if it were me and he didn't I wouldn't go at all. stand your ground don't go and be miserable for weeks. it's not worth it. i like the suggestion of relatives using heat stroke as an excuse for you staying in a hotel.
have you posted about this before? seems familiar

If I were you person B I’d cut the visit down to 2 weeks and do 1 week staying with family, 1 week in a hotel. If A really expects visits to be 4-6 weeks, that you have stay with their family in an overcrowded, non-baby proofed house and then frequently buggers off for the day leaving B stuck in the house I’d refuse to visit at all, because seriously, fuck that.

So this! Respectful of culture blah blah,yes, I actually agree, however, swanning off to 'help' and leaving the family trapped inside a non child proofed house bored out of their minds is unfair. Shorten the visits to 2 weeks, child proof the garden.

Person B is NBU, staying with A's parents sounds dreadful.

Would definitely hold my ground and agree to maximum 2 weeks (one at the beginning and one at the end) in the parents in law’s home. Other four weeks you should be able to have an enjoyable holiday too!

Person B is not unreasonable

Sounds epically shit.

A VERY generous counter proposal would be to offer 2 weeks in house and 2 weeks in hotel? (Do the house first so PiL can “get their fix” but make sure hotel is 100% non refundable)

The thing is - there is a cultural expectation on their side that you should stay with them. Ok. But it sounds like the cultural norms of Person B do not include staying with inlaws in their home for an extended period of time. And the expectations are making B uncomfortable and miserable.

Something has to give here and 4-6 weeks is far too long - I'd be aiming for a compromise where everyone gives way a little. A week either side and a hotel as other have suggested? Otherwise I anticipate Person B putting their foot down and refusing to go at all in the near future.

Do you ever get the opportunity to holiday without his family? Do you have lovely trips out while you're there or is it wall to wall only seeing family and friends?

I'd send person A off on his own and give some excuse why I couldn't be there. But I daresay Person A wouldn't like that, would he? I bet he gets waited on there and you don't.

I’m still hung up on the safety issue. If this place isn’t someplace you can actually live fully, you are never going to live in this house. There is no point in inheriting a home in a place you are not free to travel. I’m also wondering how your spouse can ask you to put yourself in that situation for even a day.

Can you afford a 6 week stay in a hotel?

Whilst not in quite the same situation DP's family are from a European Country so its more frequent shorter trips. I can relate to some of the things here.
It can be intense even spending a week with the inlaws in a different country where you have limited independence, privacy and ability to make your own food.
My partner is trying to cram in all his family responsibilities/ DIY tasks/ caring responsibilities in a short time so frequently goes off.
There's very little to actually do where we are especially after you have returned to visit several times.
Sometimes me and the in-laws irritate each other

We accept that my partner will go back for some of this time by himself. This means he can do all the DIY/ caring stuff/ meet socially with people who have no interest in seeing me and give his parents some undivided attention.
We book at least a weekend somewhere else when i am there so we have at least a mini break.

I think it's reasonable to spend some time of a 6 week trip in hotel type accommodation - even if it's one week.
I think it's probably helpful if he spends 1-2 weeks there by himself so he could do more of the solo stuff then, though you'll probably have to accept there will be all sorts of reasons he is called off to do important family / social stuff when he is there.
I don't know if you speak the same language as the in laws but i found it is much better to communicate directly with them than through DP as there is much clearer communication and less weirdness.