I honestly don't know whether I or ExH is being unreasonable here. My friends and partner and family are of course on my side, but they are hardly impartial and I'd like an impartial take on this.
I am divorced and ExH and I have one child (aged nearly 13). We split up 6 years ago.
Up until a couple of months ago, ExH saw our child one evening a week to take him to kickboxing classes and out for a meal (though did not have him overnight that night) and would have him overnight on weekends - for one night on 2 weekends, not see him on one full weekend and have him 2 nights on remaining weekends per month.
We used the government Child Maintenance calculator to work out how much maintenance ExH should be paying me to support our child.
The relationship between our child and ExH has been souring for a while now, and since a month or so ago, our child has flat out refused to see or speak to his father. I am not forcing him to see his dad as my marriage was emotionally abusive and made me very mentally unwell, and some of the behaviours that our child is describing to me of his father towards me sound horribly familiar.
His Dad refuses to take these points on board and has chosen to believe that I am poisoning our child against him.
At the same time, our child is going through a lot of difficult issues at the moment, including self harm, possible autism and gender dysphoria. CAHMS are involved and I have worked very hard with school to make sure he is being adequately supported.
The dispute is this:
Kickboxing used to be an activity that our child did with his dad. He has been doing it for years, it was something that was particular to them and their relationship. His father organised classes on the opposite side of the city to where I live.
His father has continued to pay for the classes and I have been taking our child to the classes, which entails getting 2 buses each way across the city (I don't drive). I don't mind keeping this going - it is an activity that our child is very good at and it provides a link to his father, even if his father is not taking him at the moment. I have pretty much sucked up the fact that the bus fares are adding considerably to the family budget (around £30 per month - which is a lot of money for me).
This weekend, I went on the child maintenance calculator and recalculated the amount that his father owes per month. There should be an increase of approx. £50 per month.
On putting this to ExH, ExH feels that he should stop paying the £40 per month for kickboxing classes or else continue paying it and deduct that amount from the £50 extra he owes me.
I feel that the £40 kickboxing shouldn't have a bearing on maintenance - it is a commitment that ExH made separately to our child on the evening they had together (not an overnight). I am continuing to make sure our child can access it despite the time and expense as I don't want him to miss out.
Meanwhile, my monthly expenditure as a whole has increased considerably (by far more than £50 per month) due to now having our child with me full time) and I feel that ExH should not be deducting the money for kickboxing classes from the maintenance I am owed.
Money is really tight, and if ExH does this, I am going to have to talk to our child about considering giving the activity up to do something else more locally. Our child knows that his father currently pays for the kickboxing, so he will realise that his father no longer wishes to fund it. ExH says that is emotional blackmail and more evidence of me trying to turn our child against him. He also has made masked accusations about me spending the money on things other our DC. I am typing this AIBU wearing second hand clothes. My top has several holes worn out in it. Our child is clothed in new clothes, warm, fed and well looked after.
I don't know what to think to be honest - I am prepared to accept that I'm probably being unreasonable - I'm just tired, broke and at the end of my tether.
I'm also furious with ExH for the fact that he has hurt our child so much and the fact that I have had to do all the school liaison, all the mopping up, all the work to get an ASD assessment (fighting opposition from ExH) - whilst gritting my teeth and playing nice for years - so I'm probably not thinking clearly.