To ask if you've ever been though a rocky patch with your DH and come back from it?

[TwinkleWings]

Currently going through a very rocky patch with DH and am desperate to get through it. Hopefully we will with hard work and dedication!

But I'd love to hear some stories of people that are happily married that have overcome rocky patches. How did you do it and have you become stronger as a result?

Eek...

I was at the point of seperating this time last year. Weve worked hard to get things back on track and mostly it's been better though there are still times I wonder if we should have separated. I'd say I'm happy 90 per cent of the time. Not sure in if that's normal or not. What's going on with your Dh do you want to make it work?

Desperately want to make it work. We're at the stage where we have very young children and our time is spent with them and we have little time to ourselves. Have got into a horrible mess off snapping at one another and not really having a chance to chat because DC always around. DH feeling very flat and low and worried he's sacrificing his own happiness

Within the first few years of our relationship we had several rocky patches. The thing that changed us was when I realised I might actually lose him unless something changed. I was as much to blame as he was, and as soon as I started to put in a bit more effort to improve our relationship he automatically did the same. It helped me to take a hard look at myself and not just assume that it was all his fault. Both parties need to put effort in and make changes to benefit the relationship, it can’t be one sided.

We've had a number of rough patches including a near break up and EA but we're happier than we've ever been and have an open and healthy relationship now but it has been very hard at times.

Thanks for the replies. It's definitely made me look at myself and how I have been behaving. Becoming a mum has meant I'm a bit more controlling that I used to be and probably micromanage a lot. Also am not making much of an effort with appearance etc (not that that should be a deal breaker but i guess I look like I have no respect for myself!)

And I like to hear how people have over come rough patches because I think it's naive to think that marriages won't have any. I truly believe marriage needs to be worked at

Me and my DH have gone through a couple of rocky patches. Both of us are too stubborn to throw in the towel so we work things through. we celebrate 14 years married tomorrow and been together for 17 years. You need to make time for each other a couple not just as parents. It's hard but learn to let the little things go; will I worry about this in a month or a year, if the answer is no, then let it go

All the time. On a weird cycle. We have worked out it comes down to regular communication and each one of us having enough ‘me’ time. So we have one night a week where there are no phones or tv and DH and I have dinner and talk. He goes to the gym two nights a week to de-stress and I get a lie Sunday morning while he takes DD swimming.

I think it’s about being generous to one another and not point scoring (which we used to be terrible for doing). Is there any way you could re-jiggle your routine so that you can both have sometime to yourselves and together?

And air your views honestly. Keeping thing secret only makes them worse.

And phones are the devil. They are relationship destroyers. We put ours down stairs at night so we at least talk to each other before we fall asleep.

DH feeling very flat and low and worried he's sacrificing his own happiness

Well in my opinion and also experience this is pretty normal when dc are small. They are relentless and life has to carry on. Dh and I certainly both felt this was when ours were small. And yes it was probably a rocky patch for us. Maybe your dh needs to change his expectations of family life. I’m not saying family life is an unhappy one, far from it, but it’s not the same happy as when you were a couple.

Is it really a rocky patch from both your perspectives or has dh decided he doesn’t like family life?

Yes, little kids, house, moves disagreements about where to live, ill health and disability, lack of money, sick parents... all of this have hit us over the last few years. It's been shite. I'm glad to say we're getting back on track.

I think this time with small kids is the hardest - nobody has time to give support to anybody else. Be kind to each other and if possible, add extra resources to the family, if that means making a babysitting circle with mates, getting a cleaner, eating lazy food.

Being micromanaged is hard - you have to let your DH find his own way to parent and try to take a team approach so he does his share of the chores. Good luck

Most couple I know ( self included) have had rocky patches, separations etc and most of them have remained together.

With young children life is very different from normal and unless you have good family support you are likely to be feeling the strain. I would absolutely emphasise this, that it won't be this hard forever.

If you have any means if doing so get fanily/A baby sitter to go out together, take the strain off yourself by outsourcing cleaning/cooking for a few months to give yourself time. Make sure yiu both get chances to see friends. Consider relationship counselling, it can be great to look at communication styles. Hope it all works out for you x

Studies show there is a U shaped curve with parents happiness and it picks up as they get a bit older so if you can get through eh first few years it can be OK. - although it happens again with more DC!

I think key things are as PP said- time- for example you can both get time off each at weekends if you try - but lots don't do this. And not being too controlling, letting the other find their own way.

First, most of the studies up to now conclude that parental happiness is a U-shape curve: there's a peak at "married without children", then a drop at "parents of infants", a slight rise when the child reaches the less time consuming elementary school years, followed by a plummet as the teen years begin

www.huffpost.com/entry/parenting-and-happiness_b_1497687

Yup, some spectacular low patches where my husband struggled to cope with the impact my X has had on our lives.

Luckily we still loved each other, he took himself off to the GP for support and we were more honest with each other.

I'm glad we worked it out, he's the person I feel most comfortable with in the whole world.

We had no family support in terms of childcare and dc were difficult sleepers so evening babysitters weren’t an option so dh and I both used to fairly regularly book a Friday off work and spend it together and have lunch etc. During school/nursery hours but I honestly think those odd days saved our relationship. It’s easy to forget who you both are when the children are small.

Awaiting the teen years happiness plummet now though

Yes. I think most people do.
I have had 2 in the 12 years together, neither of them were for a specific reason no infidelity or abuse, got stuck in a routine of petty arguing, hating each other for it.
I am glad we got through both times, I really love hom he is a great support.
I was happy to end the relationship during both of our rocky periods.

DH and I had a tough time about 10 years ago, pretty much on the brink of separating it. DC were young, life was stressful, we never had enough money...we were living in a city that simply didn’t work for us (my home country, but not hometown). We recognised that something had to change or our marriage would likely end so we moved back to the U.K.

Not only are we miles happier in general with a better life, but we know without talking about it too often that it saved our marriage. I know it was a drastic move but identifying how/when we were ‘good’ and putting ourselves back in that situation was the right call.

I remember being on the verge of suggesting splitting up when DS was tiny; then I went out for the evening with my antenatal group.
By the end of the evening, I had realised that it just is really tough maintaining a relationship with small children, as everyone had the same issues.
Since then, if things don’t feel right, we prioritise spending time together. Get a babysitter and go out for an evening, or meet for lunch.
NOT to discuss our ‘issues’ but just to remind ourselves how much we enjoy each other’s company.

I'm a bit more controlling that I used to be and probably micromanage a lot

This may be true - only you know best - but in my experience when one partner is micromanaging too much it's because the other isn't carrying their fair share of the mental load. Accusing a partner of 'being controlling' is an easy crack when there's a lot to be done and someone has to take control of it all.

To answer your question, OP, we're (I hope) on the home run after a bad patch. I had one foot out of the door for quite a while. I did a lot of reading of anything that seemed remotely relevant on the relationships board here and also of web resources generally that addressed some of the psychological and interpersonal issues that had arisen. I posted my own thread at one point, but I think you have to be careful about the advice you heed, as the reality is that no one sees the full picture and posters tend to project. People can often shine a perceptive light on things though.

If I were to offer any advice it would be to separate out in your mind transient circumstances (e.g. small kids, money or work worries) from long-term problems with the relationship itself (communication problems, differing expectations etc), partly because that will give you an idea of where to focus your efforts, and partly because, bluntly, some things are more amenable to fixing than others.

I nearly left DH in 2015. I was bored, frustrated and just kept thinking "is this it?" DD was a toddler.

My DM sorted me out by taking DD one day a week and paying for me to get back into something I loved. This quickly snowballed and now I have a massive passion that makes me fulfilled and happy and this in turn has made me appreciate all the good things DH does and why leaving would make all of us unhappy.

DH has also since had the mandatory Mumsnet middle aged DH cycling crisis and loves tinkering with his bike and going out with the friends he's made through it.

Because we're both happy and have time to do things for ourselves that we enjoy, things are back on a more even keel.

After 21 years of being happy we've since had 2 very rocky patches to the point where we have gotten to once talking through practicalities - one instigated mainly by me, the other by DH. We have though both times realised that we were both at fault i.e.taking each other for granted, got into too much of a routine.

We have/are still working at it and have both had to make changes as we have both said that we love each other, can not imagine life without each other (even though we have nearly split up twice) I'm so glad that we have as 2/3 years later we are far more happier than we have ever been; far more considerate of each other, far more supportive

anyone who tells you that their marriage of 30+++ years has always be blissfully happy is either: a liar or suffers from amnesia! Marriage is hardest I think when the dc are young, you suffer from lack of sleep or lack of money. The most important thing is to forget silly things the other person says & not hold onto grudges & what you say at 3 o'clock in the morning when up with you db/dc doesn't count (nor does what you say when trying to get dc out in the morning for school ) make friends with your partner! & keep talking & work things out as partners

We've been through a fair bit of strife, the worst of it being the PTSD that i had not yet been diagnosed with.... I was going off the rails but couldn't see it. He couldn't cope with my behaviour s, drinking, low moods etc, this was over a period of about 3 years!

We have come through it stronger but it felt like climbing a foggy mountain at the time.