to give up on dating?

[brecondia]

I would love to meet someone. Not just anyone - someone kind, and good. I'm trying online dating, but it always seems to go wrong when I mention that I've got an 8 month old son. I appreciate that this is a deal breaker for some and would much rather know this early on. I understand entirely not wanting to be involved with someone with a child, but it's hard to accept.

Do I need to wait a few years until my son is older? It's all very disheartening.

I dont think your son is a deal breaker at all. I'm a single parent and havent found being a parent a problem. Plenty of single dads out there too.

I've tried internet dating. It was a horrible vipers nest, worse than when I was using match.com ten years ago. The app mentality with people swiping left and right, waiting for something better to come along just destroyed my self esteem so I have stopped now and I'm leaving it all to the gods.

The number one goal is to be ok with yourself. Everyone says it, but I have finally realised its true. No one can make you happy if you dont love yourself first

It does make you feel awful. You get chatting to someone, pluck up the courage to tell them you have a child, then find they've blocked you or they won't respond. This has happened 3 times now. It's disheartening to say the least.

If it were me I'd mention I had a young child in my bio. Don't have to mention a specific age just 'under 1' or something. Then you avoid all the people who are not interested in dating someone with younger children.

@ThatLemonCheesecakeIsMine I really want to avoid doing that as there are some really weird people out there and don't want to attract people for the wrong reasons (I've worked in child protection before and sadly I'm justified in not advertising the fact I have kids on an online dating site!)

I'd say wait until your child is older like 18 or something surely you've got better things to worry about at the moment than pandering to some bloke's wishes at this stage of your son's life?

@SwishSwishSheesh I don't think that's fair at all. I don't think me dating and taking things slow will have any sort of negative effect on my son. I'm only in my early 20s. I don't particularly want to be single for the next 18 years of my life!

@SwishSwishSheesh
What an odd thing to say! You don’t stop being a person with wants, just because you’ve got a child!

X post @Justbreathing - I agree!

Yeah I know I seem unreasonable to most. I am yet to meet a man worth wasting energy and time on. They are mostly needy, demanding, whiny and temperamental. I really don't see the allure of voluntarily signing up for this especially when there's a child to take care of

Well @SwishSwishSheesh my incredible father who took on my brothers when they were 6 months and 3 years old ensures I hold out hope that there are good men out there!

@brecondia I hope so too but they're rare to come by. Best of luck to you in finding him

It does make you feel awful. You get chatting to someone, pluck up the courage to tell them you have a child, then find they've blocked you or they won't respond. This has happened 3 times now. It's disheartening to say the least.

But this clearly is not a judgement of you, so no need to feel awful. In fact there was obviously enough about you too pique their interest in the first place. But it is a fact of life that many completely single people, for good reasons, don't want to start a relationship with someone with a child, especially a very young one. I guess it would be a bit like them finding out you live on the other side of the Atlantic. You're great, but they decide that's not the sort of relationship they want.

I can't make decisions for you but I would wait until my son was older. Quite honestly, I don't understand how you have the energy to even think of dating when you have a baby.

When he is over two, think about it then. However, you don't need a man to define yourself! Being single has its benefits, plus you can date more than one man and have fun. Do wait until your child is older though, you look desperate otherwise and that is not attractive.

I used to have on my bio- mum of one. No other information than that.
I understand what you're saying about not advertising the fact you're a mum, and the issues around child protection, but you're telling strangers in messages that you are a parent anyway.

As for looking desperate because you have a child under one and want to date? What a mean thing to say. And piffle.

I am not dating anymore and will probably wait till mine are 18. They are 14 and 16 and seem to be really needing me more nowadays, I think it’s the weird period between child and adult, also exams etc

I have tried a lot of dating over 10 years and it’s better to be honest - it is hard are hard work when dating with DC.

Aside from the intial period of getting babysitters to go out etc, it’s also just so much hard work and for little gain. I am probably jaded over this anyway but I always met people who had kids and then had to navigate their kids/ex issues etc which is another layer of hard work. Usually single dads have contact at weekends which is the main time you can find a babysitter so you end up snatching very small amounts of time with people and I found it frustrating, or like I did with last partner spending your child free time with someone else’s whining children! All special occasions are split in half and complex and I have been let down so many times by guys who seem to have unresolved issues around their exes moving on, or disorganised schedules

Then if they have DC you have to factor in your DC with getting along, baby is probably the easiest but vast age gaps are hard work too

I’m just going to wait until I have way less responsibility going on and can be more carefree! One of my issues is my age - I will be only very early 40’s when both my DC turn adult but most men my age or older have small DC under the age of 10

I would advise you not to go into dating that someone will ‘take on’ your DC because I think that’s very high expectations to have!

Maybe try dating someone in the same situation ? Or mention it casually whilst on the date that you have a child. That way there out and having fun already and your not making a big deal about it. As a single parent i agree its difficult but not impossible.