Is She a Bitch or Just Weird?

[Praguemum]

About a year ago a new family moved to our rural area and their two kids joined the school. DD9 is very tight with the girl, however a few months ago she got really upset and said "Name said her mum doesn't really like me." Seemed a bit weird and she was upset, so I asked the mum if DD had done something to make Name feel bad or had treated her badly. She said "Oh no DD has always been very kind to Name". I told her why I'd asked and she acted clueless.

Fast forward 3 months and it's the girl's bday. She tells DD that she can only invite one friend for a sleepover and her mum says it can't be DD because she is "too loud".

DD is in bits, but I thought maybe it was the girl's way of saying she wanted to invite a different friend, but didn't know how to tell DD. However, DS7, who gets on very well with the girl's younger brother, pipes up, "yeah mum, that's right, only Peter was allowed to go to Son's bday because he's quiet".

Now I know these people are dairy farmers and the dad gets up early, but my kids have only been to their house once (with me) and they say quietly and played, so what gives her the right to call them 'loud'? Poor DD now has a complex and thinks she has done sthg wrong. They are both outgoing but not shouty and their manners are excellent.

Is this woman a bit weird? Quiet kids only? Like all of us in rural NZ, they have plenty of land for the kids to play on if they have a birthday playdate. Doesn't need to cost much as rural kids are happy with a treasure hunt and cake. She seems normal when you talk to her. Would love to give her a piece of my mind but don't want to wreck things for the kids.

Not everyone is obliged to consider your kids 'wonderful'.

Since you are very quick to label her 'weird' or a 'bitch', it's a bit ironic that you take exception to your kids being considered 'loud'.

I'm not sure that the mum is necessarily a bitch or weird.

Maybe you are overinvolved in your daughter's friendships?

So she is weird because she thinks your DD is loud? Really? Give your head a wobble, and stay out of it.

Some people very hard on the op imo. Surely most of us feel resentful (and bitchy) if we feel our dc are being maligned in an undeserved way?

I would just stay out of it. Just because we think our little darlings are amazing , it doesn't mean others do.
Your idea of 'confident kids' could be their idea of overbearing kids.

You'd love to give her "a piece of your mind" - why?! She's not obligated to have your DD over. You may think your kids have impeccable manners and stay below an acceptable noise level at all times but this woman could have anything going on and she doesn't have to have kids over if she doesn't want to.

Stay out of it and use it as an opportunity to teach your DD that not everyone on the planet will like her and that's okay as long as she's a good person and she likes herself.

Some people are more sensitive to levels of noise and 'exuberant' behaviour than others. There could be more to this than you realise. In any case, how does that make her a bitch or weird? She's just different from you and your family. You can soften the blow for your DD by explaining the situation to her without getting nasty.

The most likely situation is that the mother/parents don't want to invite your child for other reasons and is just using the noise as a convenient excuse.

They probably see the noise as being more socially acceptable and polite that the real reason - which could be anything but no doubt offensive 'not the right sort', 'ill mannered', 'don't want them being friends as I don't like the parents".

I'd just forget about it tbh. There are all sorts of random reasons why people don't like each other; none of us like everyone. Your children will find other friends.

" Surely most of us feel resentful (and bitchy) if we feel our dc are being maligned in an undeserved way?"

Maybe-although maybe Op's daughter can be too loud for some people-no matter how much land they have?

Not everyone has to like your children. An experience they need to make in life to be able to deal with as an adult. Might not be fun, but that’s life.

Hmm, apparently one of the Dads at school complained behind my back that our kid was too loud, (he's definitely not; he's the polite, well behaved kid who is always invited as the friend on people's days out). And I was a bit miffed.

But later he bitched to me, calling one of our boys' other friends, "really camp". So I worked out that he was in fact a total dickhead and not worth bothering about. His kid is nice enough, at the moment, but it's not a friendship I encourage.

marienvansrklestinks my OH is a great father and taught our kid that humour and sarcasm is a great way to deal with a pompous person . Nothing unfortunate about my son, thanks. Both boys have grown up perfectly well. My son is still loud. The other lad remains a fuckface. Neither is traumatised

I would not worry too much about the situation. If your dd's friend was having a party with lots of children, and your dd was excluded, you might have a reason to worry. But if the friend is only allowed to invite one other child, then this is not an exclusion of your child in particular. Given that this has come up before with regard to the brother's guest, I would assume that the mother or someone else in the family is very sensitive to noise/ has physical or mental health problems/ treats her children's birthdays mainly as family occasions, which perhaps include elderly and noise-sensitive relatives/ is using 'loud' to mean 'chatty in the evening' and only wants visitors who follow an early-to-bed early-to-rise routine/ perhaps just plain doesn't like other people's children in her house. If the mother had a big problem with your child's behaviour, she would have said something at the time you spoke to her. I would add that all these comments have come through children, and may not be very accurate. I would encourage your dd to pursue her friendship with the other girl without worrying too much about what the mother thinks of her.

My 10 year old son has ADHD, other parents not wanting their children to be associated with the 'loud, disruptive, bad influence' is the story of my life. It's their loss because he's one of the kindest, most generous, funny and loyal friends they could hope to have (I may be a bit biased).

His best friend also has a bit of a reputation, he's very loud and full of life and, the second I open the door, he strolls into our house like he owns the place. At first I was a bit 'Oh God, I can't handle the noise!', but now I love the confident hurricane which hits our home.

If your dd is 9 i would stay out of it.She has to learn to navigate her friendships herself.

I wouldnt get involved.

Maybe the mum has misophonia (sp?), it might be tone rather than volume that bothers her. One of my DD's friends has the most appalling, affected, American vocal fry (we are not in America). I have never mentioned it to anyone, but if she and DD are chatting on the phone I generally leave the room because it's like nails down a blackboard to me.

Maybe your DD is too loud. Maybe the mum is trying to 'encourage' the other friendship rather than discourage your DD's iyswim
You can turn this into a big drama for your DD or you can say 'oh i'm sure that wasn't meant/different people have different approaches in their house, why don't we do a playdate/day trip with your friend instead?'

For whatever reason, some people can't handle what other people would call a normal amount of noise. Doesn't make them weird or bitches. Just explain this to your daughter.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar Sympathy high-five! Fellow misophonia sufferer here. Volume totally does it for me, and repetitiveness. Ugh the worst! Unusually loud children are absolutely exhausting for me.

@Damntheman me too

I struggle with some of my sons mates. My son is also usually the loud one. I don't stop him having friends over though. I just try to stay in a different room. If it was a sleepover I'd just suck it up my husband would deal with it.

Sounds weird to me. Reminds me of the Postmaster's family where I grew up in New Zealand. Most peculiar. And to be fair, Kiwi kids aren't known for being quiet!

I'd just be saying to my kids, 'I guess we're not their cup of tea, and let's not worry about it too much, how's about a playdate with X, Y and Z'. Focus on other friendships.

In a few weeks/ months this incident will be forgotten/ irrelevant. In addition your daughter is learning important things about how life, friendship and relationship works.

I know it’s really really rough to see your kids suffer, but they will only get a few people in their lives who will put their best interests first( and that’s if they are fortunate). Be there for her and be constant and consistent( I’m sure you are) and you’ll be part of the small crew she can totally rely on. Outside of that you can’t control it.
Really hope she feels better soon.

@imnotcheryl solidarity Cheryl!

Haha my nephew (now an adult) still laughs about the fact that nobody would come to play with him because my sister didn't allow them to make noise. I'm not quite as bad as she is, but wouldn't tolerate loud screaming and shouting. Why do children do it? I was one of four, and we never made that kind of noise - and my DM was the most laid-back person ever, who would never have shouted at us to keep the noise down. It's as if it's just a habit in some families