To ask for suggestions how to piss of DH :)

[verytiredMF]

Name changed for this.

So Saturday night DD who is just like her dad wakes me up 4 times, so yesterday I was exhausted and looking forward to a good nights sleep even put her to be late so she would sleep through!

Went to bed early & everything. DH has been stomping around all night because he cant sleep so woke me up 2/3 times between 10PM and 3AM.

At 3AM he finally F--ks my night by basically falling on me into bed and waking me up, he falls asleep whilst I am in the toilet leaving me no room in the bed!!

Did I mention I am also pregnant? Well I am so the baby decided to kick me for an hour so I defo wasn't going back to sleep then! By 10 to 6 I thought F--k this and got up, DD will be up within an hour so no point sleeping now!!!

So what can I do to make his life hell today since he isn't in work ? so far I have thought...

-SHAVE HIS HEAD
-GO OUT ALL DAY WITH THE CAR & ignore him
OR
-POUR THE MILK AWAY SO HE CANT HAVE A COFFEE

But not of those sound good enough to me 😄

BTW I cant wake him up otherwise he will just be a grumpy little P--ck all day and then I think id burn all of his clothes 🖕🏻

Itching powder in underpants??
Add some vinegar to milk so it tastes off
Hide his car keys
Take router with you
Use up all the hot water so he can't shower

Hope your day goes well 🌺🌸🌻🌼💮

Yeah, I think this does need a conversation about his shitty behaviour at night. But in the meantime, hide the remotes and one sock from every pair.

Don't take the milk but doadd food colour so it is green.

Change the WiFi password and rename it something to make the neighbours laughlike, 'Hagan Daz or die'.

While you are out order several take away deliveries, to pay on delivery, spaced about every 1/2 hour.

If you have a landline a) set up alarms and b) send random text messages, if you send 'XXX' it will sound like, 'sex sex sex'when the mechanical voice reads it.

Buy him something he hates as a 'sorry for all the shit today' peace offering to give him when you get back.

If he uses a PCorlaptop move some of the keys or, better still, change the language to Japanese - you can do that on a tablet as well.

Tell him there is a leak in the bathroom and can he have a look, when he gets there he should find a random leek - the kind you put in a stew.

Have a screaming competition with dd.

No coffee is the ultimate morning spoiler for my husband. However, it makes him more grumpy so no revenge there.

Go out and have some fun then nap when you get home.

Put lemon juice in the milk so that it cuddles and looks like sick

Hide his socks so only odd ones are left

Hide his phone but keep calling so it rings throughout the day

Swap the sugar and salt containers

@katherineJaneway Change the WiFi password

Omg love this!!!!!

@sashh I wouldn't want to piss you of 😂

I am glad I posted this not smiled this much in ages haha! X

Put laxatives in his food

I would book into a hotel tonight, paid for from his account and tell him it's tough shit, he's looking after the kids whilst you sleep

Mine would hate no coffee and no internet.

Tailor the punishment to the person, what would annoy him the most?
I would just go out and then come home for a nap and let him look after DD.
Re trouble sleeping, this was my DH first sign of depression. FWIW
Sleep while pregnant is like blue moons or hens teeth.

Swap coffee for decaf!

Iron his boxers. With spray starch.

Bucket of water on the bed when he is asleep. Remove all the sheets, Stop cooking for him and doing his washing leave the food raw in plates for him to cook. Wait till his washing piles up and he either wears dirty clothes or yours. Laxatives in his food. Take all the fuses out the plugs.

Swap the coffee for decaf - sounds like it may do him some good!
Hide all the teaspoons (for coffee making)
Delete some of his series links on the telly-box, or delete recordings (as long a you know you can get them back like on Virgin!)
Add alarms to his phone to go off at random times in the day
Take the loo roll off and don't replace it (and hide the new ones)

How heavily is he asleep? I am sure he would love a pedicure using red nail varnish. DD would enjoy doing this for him too and ‘making up’ Daddy’s face. Don’t tell him and let him shamble down to the shops to replace the milk you have thrown away.

@YoThePussy he got a phone call at 9AM 😁 not from me so I cant be blamed for waking him up lol x

Put glitter in his shoes.

Self tanner in his shower gel/moisturiser etc

Get him up and tell him to take DD out so you can go back to bed!

verytiredMF

I think many evil things, but I get enough satisfaction that I don't actually carry them out.

Except the leek/leak - I did do that one.

Other things for next time you need to piss him off:

Freeze his credit cards in a block of ice.

Turn up his favorite trousers so they show 2 in of sock.

Make a profile for him on a dating site.

One from many, many years ago - take a photo and have it developed (these days print out) of person asleep posed in embarrassing position or after the application of makeup.

As it is printed out you can now put a stamp on it and send it like a post card. Extra embarassementifthe subject of the photo is in shared accomodation or you post it to a work place. And if you forget the stamp they have to pay.

If it is close to valentines / Xmas / his birthday send a mystery card, get someone else to write it so he doesn't recognise the writing.

yeah, taking your dd out for the day when he's tired and wants to rest. that'll learn im

While he's asleep, take some of your clothes and make up, enough to be noticeable and pack a bag. Do the same for your daughter. Take the car and go out for the day. Leave a note telling him you don't love him anymore and are leaving him. Then call the police with an anonymous tip that you heard screaming and fighting coming from your house last night.

Don't return until well after midnight. Apologise and tell him you'll make lunch for him to take to work the next day. Make his favourite curry but take a shit in it.

When he's recovering in hospital tell him "that's for waking me up at 3am"

Then LTB