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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to think friends new date could become abuser?

25 replies

alessandrae83 · 23/06/2019 22:37

So, quick backstory is my friend is dating someone new. She left an abusive marriage over a decade ago. This new guy and her have only been out a couple of times but even before they had met (they met online) this man became very upset that she was dating other men at the same time as talking with him. He seems to have little understanding of her limited free time as a single mother and will spit his dummy out if he can't talk to her when he wants. He will constantly tell her she doesn't do enough to make him feel that she is interested. This man has been in prison and had his children removed, however he claims it was in injustice and that the mother lied. He seems very cut up about it from what my friend has told me. He has also started working in Law because of the so called injustice against him. Am I wrong to think these are huge red flags and that she should run for the hills?

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Grumpos · 23/06/2019 22:48

No you are not being unreasonable.
These are all huge massive glaring red flags.
However unless your friend can also see it or is wavering on him you will have to be careful if / when you address it.
If you feel like you can say “hmm how do YOU friend feel about XYZ situ (Children / prison / controlling behaviour)” and get her to open up without feeling cornered then I would do it.
However if there is a chance he is trying to also isolate her you might be best to just stay close, say nothing but keep your eyes on him at every turn.
Hope she dumps him ASAP

alessandrae83 · 23/06/2019 22:50

Thank you. Glad to hear I'm not being paranoid or too over protective and I hope so too.

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sevenoftwelve · 23/06/2019 22:51

Did your friend have support after leaving the abuse before? Like Freedom Programme?

She sounds vulnerable and he sounds abusive.

alessandrae83 · 23/06/2019 22:52

She had counselling for ptsd after but I think she's still vulnerable personally.

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TriciaH87 · 23/06/2019 22:52

Go to your local police station and ask to envoke Sarah's law. Say your concerned for a friend and feel she's vulnerable. They should be able to help you.

sevenoftwelve · 23/06/2019 22:52

I absolutely agree with Grumpos on how to go about talking to her on this too.

alessandrae83 · 23/06/2019 22:53

@TriciaH87 never thought of that! How does it work?

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sevenoftwelve · 23/06/2019 22:55

She might not be receptive to going on the Freedom Programme herself, but there's no reason you can't do the course yourself. It might actually help you to support her.

HorseradishSnowflake · 23/06/2019 23:02

It's Clare's Law, but she might not listen to what the police tell her if she is convinced by his version of events.
Encourage her to take things slowly, don't label him an abuser as this might stop her talking to you.
patcraven.blogspot.com/2009/02/early-warning-signs-how-to-spot.html?m=1 might be useful.

RiotAndAlarum · 23/06/2019 23:05

I can't work out which one of those is the biggest red flag.

VampirateQueen · 23/06/2019 23:33

I would go to the police and evoke Clare's law, get the information and then work out how to play it, I don't think I would tell her, but at least you will know how much danger she is actually in and can act accordingly.

TheInebriati · 23/06/2019 23:41

Encourage her to take The Freedom Programme, and to read these two books, you can download these or read them online;

Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
tinyurl.com/GiftoFear

Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

alessandrae83 · 24/06/2019 07:31

Thank you. All seem like interesting reads so will read those too thanks

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Woody68 · 24/06/2019 07:36

He has been in prison and had his own children removed, and you have to ask???

alessandrae83 · 24/06/2019 08:20

Yes, I do because there are some cases of mothers being liars and stopping kids from seeing their dads. This could be one of those cases, however, with all the other things I wanted to get a second opinion.

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codemonkey · 24/06/2019 08:23

Yes, I do because there are some cases of mothers being liars and stopping kids from seeing their dads. This could be one of those cases, however, with all the other things I wanted to get a second opinion

And prison? Was he a victim of misjustice there too? He sounds like a catch.

alessandrae83 · 24/06/2019 08:50

It happens. I'm looking out for a friend so less of your bitchfest please

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codemonkey · 24/06/2019 08:58

Do you make everything about you?

nrpmum · 24/06/2019 09:02

More red flags than a communist convention

C0untDucku1a · 24/06/2019 09:47

There are far more cases of dads saying their ex is a liar...

alessandrae83 · 24/06/2019 09:51

Thanks to all the people that responded with maturity and helped me to see I wasn't just being paranoid and should keeps tabs on this.

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sackrifice · 24/06/2019 09:54

Thanks to all the people that responded with maturity

Pointing out that a man that has been inside and had his kids taken off him is such a huge issue that you don't really need to gather opinions from randoms off the internet to make your own mind up, is in no way 'immature'.

Lamentations · 24/06/2019 11:05

A correction re a PP about Clare's Law.

The police won't give YOU any information but if there's anything that is a safety concern for your friend they will contact HER and give necessary disclosure so that she can make an informed choice about her relationship.

Scorpvenus1 · 24/06/2019 11:15

They are simply not a match

alessandrae83 · 24/06/2019 11:58

Ah ok, well I would rather her know but ultimately it's her choice. I will be there to support whichever route she takes. Thanks again.

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