To think that two hours can't solve this.

[dododoi]

Been married 20 plus years, throughout our marriage intermittently my DH has said vile stuff. I hit a wall around six months ago for whatever reason, maybe seeing the rest of my life being in fear from his vile words, who knows.

I withdrew completely from the marriage, was not antagonistic but said strongly and clearly I was starting the "separation" within our marriage with a view to a permanent break but house sale etc needed to be sorted.

DH was shocked to say the least, he'd always been in control and I'd been the victim for him to pick on. He begged and pleaded for a chance, I said the least he could offer would be to accept counselling to see if it could be worked out just why telling your wife she's vile, fat, ugly, deserved previous abuse was in him to say. He agreed, I felt better, hopeful........two sessions in and he feels he's seen the light, distinct nosies of I don't need anymore.

AIBU to think if two hours of counselling is a cure, then he didn't have a problem in the first place and chose to do it to just hurt me?

I think he’s just saying he’s seen the error of his ways as a method of control and will slowly start chipping away at you. Stick to your guns and make him see you aren’t messing about because you may find yourself back at sq1 thinking why didn’t I follow through with it the first time and you’ve wasted another 5 years of your life.

If he chose to do it deliberately you deserve so much better. Hope you’re okay xx

oh this is bollocks

he's just pretending. He has spent years showing you who he is, that's the information you work on.

enjoy your new life of freedom! cheers!

You don’t need to keep going with the counselling. You don’t owe him anything. It’s fine to say it’s over and there is no point discussing it anymore.

Haha!
Save yourself some good years, dump him now. He’ll never change.

I’d say he’s a bit bored with it and I’d just saying that to fob you off. Two hours is just the very beginning of counselling. You should ask him to come to another session and discuss why he thinks it’s enough for him, if your counsellor has got anything about them they’ll explore that and hopefully offer some challenge.
Or go on your own and talk about you and what you want next. Good luck, I think you’ve definitely found your boundaries!

OP, your conclusion is spot on! I applaud you for your brave initial decision and now for some level-headed awareness.

Get yourself over to the relationships board and let others help you with “the list”.

Good luck in the next few months - it will all be worth it x

@Herocomplex the counselling was for him on his own, it's not joint. I don't feel ready to commit to joint counselling to save the marriage until he's taken control of his awful behaviour.

He's denigrated you for twenty years and now he's using words again to get round you and keep you onside.

You're not fooled! Stick to your guns.

Incidentally, under English law once a spouse tells the other they're not having sex with them any more the couple are legally separated.
My solicitor told me this on my first visit.

So all the time you're living together after that, as long as there's no intimacy, counts towards your separation/pre divorce time.

I don't know where you're from so this might or might not be relevant.

Oh I see dododoi
You can either take him at face value and give him another chance or call his bluff and ask the therapist to see you both to discuss what next. I’m seriously impressed with the way your taken control though, good for you.
(I’ve got a feeling you don’t believe him though.)

You need to read Lundy Bancroft's book about abusive men - 'why does he do that?' It is available for free online. He is a verbal abuser and this is one of their tactics - going to therapy and pretending to see the light when they get bored of it. He hasn't seen the light; he is bullshitting you.

Thanks for your responses, @Herocomplex no I don't for one second believe him, it's total bollocks.

I've said "oh right so 20+ years of abuse, you can't control because if you could you wouldn't have said those things (his excuse) and bingo two hours later you're "cured".

He just hasn't realised yet that I've changed, I'm so detached from him now, I'm different.

I did feel I owed it to our marriage and children to allow him the counselling time, but clearly he's paying lip service to our marriage.

@carla1983, "why does he do that" is now downloaded on my kindle. Thank you.