Spiteful? Supportive?

[Mitzicoco]

Confused. On the one hand I find mumsnet to be really supportive and helpful. But the the other hand seems to be pp who are just mean about men generally. Spiteful. Do some women just hate men?Also I find it hard to believe that pp would actually say the things that they post to someone's face. Or actually do the things that they suggest, such as , leave your dh , his is a dick. What Do you think?

I think it depends on which board you post on. I think IABU can get some extreme responses, but you would be more likely to be treated gently on say relationships

I think AIBU is one of the harsher boards

I think there’s some posters that no matter what, the man in question will always be wrong, the same goes for MILs and SILs too.

Can you give some specific examples on actual threads please? Link?

It’s a massive group of people across the country (and some of world) so of course there will be some twats on here, obviously.

I mentioned it was sometimes difficult bringing up a child when your husband had died and was told I was self pitying. I think people say a load of shit when they feel protected by their screen...

There are certain posters that no matter what the situation/topic/people/scenario will always post a reply that fits their agenda. IMO it undermines their cause and any opinion they hold as they are so rigid.

Agree with Wallis, there are also posters so hugely stuck in their ways that they can’t fathom other people happily living a life so different to their own.

I don't have any specific examples, and frankly wouldn't dare post them if I did! I just find it such an odd bunch here. On the one hand pp are hugely supportive, but at times so filled with vitriol it's almost unnerving. Today there was a woman posting in distress and everyone was telling her to leave her husband. They don't know him or her, but are willing to make such life changing suggestions. It's just al la bit odd. Especially as there are so many lovey people on here.

Good God, I am sorry to hear that codemonkey

So find that thread and post it as an example. If she was upset because he left mustard on the worktop and people were telling her to leave him then yes, spiteful. If she was relating how he'd murdered the dog and slept with her sister, then LTB surely a measured response regardless of whether you know the couple personally or not.

If your problem is that people don't preface every response with "I don't know you/your DH/your MIL, but if the situation is really as you describe then I would recommend [opinion]" then YABU and don't understand how the internet works.

Ok, so the way I see it as there are a hell of a lot of courageous, wonderful people on here. There are also a bunch of complete dicks. I guess that is life though. I'm not posting any examples as pretty certain mumsnet rules will be against it, and quite rightly so. I am quite familiar with the internet, as it happens.

You’re right - its just reflecting real life, some people are nice, sone people are not.

Tbh, I’m always surprised when people say, as you have, variations on “would they say that to their face”.

This is an Internet forum - it’s a different animal to a personal conversation, and that’s not a bad thing.

Would I say to a colleague in the canteen who reported something mean her boyfriend had done “he’s a dick, just leave him, you deserve more”. No - most likely not. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be wrong to post it here though! But out in the real world, we are most of us less blunt. And as it’s people we know, mindful that they might not be receptive. Plenty of times in real life I’ve said in my head “just leave the jerk already, he’s an arsehole” whilst saying “that sounds really unkind, I see why you’re upset, what are you going to do?”. I don’t think it’s a bad thing for posters to read the blunt version online. Sometimes it’s good to realise that a lot of people are strongly of the opinion that the behaviour was awful!

There’s a place for both. Even when someone only adds a short “he’s a dick” I think the weight of opinion can be helpful.

Honestly, my over riding boots impression of LTB-heavy threads is where the partner has been really awful. No-one should have shit from the person who is supposed to have their back more than any other person in the whole world. I am frequently genuinely shocked with the way some posters have been treated by so called “partners”.

I wonder what life would be like if we all actually said these things to each other?! Could be interesting!

As I get older and see more and more women in crap relationships, both in real life and on here, I have less and less patience with the idea of “working at relationships”

Because it almost always means the woman doing the working and the man just carrying on regardless.

I don’t hate men. But I do think that very many of them are bad at relationships and have no interest in getting better at them. Because they don’t have to-women are scurrying round “making things better” for both of them.

Why are people asking for examples? Don’t tell me they haven’t seen what the OP is talking about. It’s in every bloody thread more or less.

Some people have strong views, I don't see what's wrong with that.

Same as Bertrand, the older I get, the less I understand why women stay to work on relationships with disrespectful idiots. Very often what they post is only the tip of the iceberg and always the same "he's a great dad except he does no housework/is out drinking every night/calls me a fat bitch" etc. I don't hate men, but I am flabbergasted at how shit many of them are at relationships.

If you post, I don't really get why you would complain about the replies, but I find the more I get annoyed with replies, the closer to the truth that reply is. People often don't want to hear the truth. It's painful and it means we have to change things which is hard.

People don't have to be a dick about it but there are people who reply dickishly to certain subjects in real life too. Like, are you never a dick? Because I definitely am sometimes. Just take the rough with the smooth.

I think mumsnet shows up the reality of life. Some people are not nice, some project their own feelings onto threads when it's not appropriate, some are too blunt when a bit of kindness is clearly in order but on the other hand, there are many posters who post kind, thoughtful and supportive posts and take the trouble to help others with advice and guidance.

AIBU is a beast of its own, it should come with a health warning for anyone posting there.

As I get older and see more and more women in crap relationships, both in real life and on here, I have less and less patience with the idea of “working at relationships”

Because it almost always means the woman doing the working and the man just carrying on regardless.

100% this. The sheer number of abusive men is really shocking.

I generally find that when a large number of people tell a woman she should be leaving her husband it's because she's in a terrible, potentially abusive relationship and she in fact SHOULD be leaving her husband. I find that to be one of the best things about Mumsnet in terms of supporting women to identify unacceptable behaviour towards them and deal with it.

AIBU is one of the most robust topics and yes people can be dicks at times. You post there with that in mind.

I do have my suspicions about people who post ops speculating that Mumsnet is full of men haters though. They tend to have an agenda.

I have people in my life I call “Mumsnet people”, a cousin, MIL, a school mum, a neighbour... They are harsh and not nice. They take the hard view because they think it makes them look big. They do behave like Mumsnet posters in real life except maybe don’t go as far as they would hidden behind a keyboard.

They are just sad people who want to wreck others lives because they have shit ones themselves. The harsher the post, the shittier the life. I pity them.

Oh and it’s women they hate, not men.

I've noticed it and sometimes it comes across as though they don't want anyone being happy or resolving their relationship issues, it's straight to LTB. Having said that it's often times helpful in clarifying what the OP already knows. A mixed bag, which is life I guess.

In general I find it supportive although people do seem to suggest ending a relationship very easily.
I do find it interesting though how there can be similar posts with very different responses which is often set by how the first handful of people respond.