overbearing whatsapping from a “friend”

[IABUQueen]

So when I was in secondary school, there was a group I hanged around with as I was new and they took me in. They were bullies but I didn’t have the confidence to see that. One of the girls that used to tag along with them was heavily bullied by them and as I was too.. I found my way away from them, blocked them all.. and moved on with life, it has been 10 years and I still don’t find them comfortable to be part of my life.

But when I got older, I got contacted by a the girl who was bullied by them. She doesn’t see them as bullies and seems to like them and is in contact with them. I felt really bad for the Fact I had left her on her own to be bullied and ignored her in my later school days.. so I decided to go to her wedding since she invited me.. got her a nice gift and that’s that. She asked me to help her fix her cv to find a job so I felt like I want to do this even though I don’t really see her as a close friend but I wanted to make up for what I felt was poor behaviour of mine in school.

Ever since then... she has been constantly constantly Whatsapping me. She updated me about her life so on.. which was cool.. but it’s been a year now and she texts me everyday with small talk asking me what I’m doing..

I tell her I’m busy, she says , busy doing what??

Then she calls me millions of times if I don’t respond.. sends me million messages asking me why I’m not replying..

I told her look I don’t use WhatsApp that much (I do but with close people)... she asks to meet me every week... she is quite obsessive about me and my life...

I am creeped out.. I only knew her breifly like 14 years ago and she seems really really in my life. If I tell her I’m out, she says outside where ?? I tell her the shop name to end the convo and she asks me what I’m buying.. asks me to send her photos of my child all the time.

I don’t know how to explain how I feel but I’m finding her overbearing

I don’t know how she got the impression we are best friends. I think it’s becahse when she miscarried, and told me about it, she said I’m the only friend that she knows who she can speak to as I have kids and everyone else doesn’t... so I comforted her and told her that I miscarried too and gave her advice which is normal for me..

But the constant daily whatsappung and then acting offended that I’m not responding. Callls in the middle of the night at times at 2 am... saying she saw me online (I breastfeed and so I quickly check my Whatsapp at times but not up for a call from a random girl).

I don’t want to offend her... I just am struggling with her overbearing ness and I don’t particularly fancy a close relationship with her. She was never my type and I only helped her out of sympathy (I know it sounds mean)...

I told her many times not to call at night.. that I’m busy with a baby.. that I don’t do constant whatsapping.

She suffers from OCD and I’m not sure if that’s behind her obsessive texting..she doesn’t seem to stop.

She seems extremely bored and it’s draining

I considered blocking her but I don’t want to feel horrible again. I just don’t want her to expect I will meet her every week and respond to her every hour of the day. We have not much in common at all... never did, aside from being bullied by the same people 14 years ago.

I guess in summary.. when I resumed contact with this girl I didn’t necessarily think we will be anything more than alumni from the same school who might meet up once every 3 years or so.. and I’m finding her expectations of being my best friend too overbearing as we were never that and I’m feeling invaded..

What would be a reasonable way to stop this ?!

Well YANBU... maybe start by turning off the WhatsApp function that shows when you've read messages/been online?

I think you just need to end the friendship and block her.
I don't think there is a way to make your point without being straight with her because you have already told her you have a new baby and she still expects to be centre of attention. Its really not reasonable to contact a new parent in the middle of the night, or umpty times a day. Most people would at least take a hint.

its called so I actually did that. She doesn’t get any blue ticks. She doesn’t see when I’m last online. But she seems to still expect me to answer her daily and she seems to see me online when I am!.

Thelnebriati I do don’t I. Just feels wrong and horrible. As she seems a bit socially unaware and I think she isn’t a very intelligent person. Was hoping for an escape that would be kind to her feelings.

Tell her that she's sending you too many messages so it's getting a bit much. Suggest she join some Facebook groups, netmums etc to have others to chat to, particularly during antisocial hours. A decent person will back the hell up and reduce contact. If she isn't a decent person then it really doesn't matter if your next response is rude / blocking, does it now?

Bent coppers ..how do I do that?

Have you tried messaging her saying you find calls/messages at all hours quite intense? you could frame it as you’re very busy with your DC and don’t really have time to meet up at the moment.

go into the settings for her only... and MUTE her texts, and ignore them until you are ready to respond, if atall.

I think you should message her before you block her though, if you are going to anyway, just to be kind. Then you've been honest and let her know why.

I would have to tell her it’s too much. And gradually phase her out.

Unless she lived in the same small town as me i think i would have to send a pretty blunt message "Im so busy atm with the baby and other stuff going on, i'm finding this all a bit much so I'm going to go offline for a while" then block her. Does she know where you live by any chance? Could it become a stalker situation if she doesnt live too far away, so be up front so theres no question of what you mean

Just on a practical note if I want to read or send a whatsapp and not get caught in a conversation because some people reply the minute you go online I turn my airplane mode on , go into WhatsApp send a message or respond to any that may be urgent and exit again. That's what you could do at night time when up feeding the baby .

Just say "I'm having a social media break, baby not sleeping need a break ". Then block

Yes I think it would pay to be kind but honest. You're finding her messages and her expectagions overbearing. You've mentioned it to her, with no improvement. So you'll now be blocking her, but wish her well.

I had a similar situation as in persons behavior. A new woman started at work and everyone took a dislike to her...very brash and called everyone darling. I felt sorry for her, so was as nice as i am to any colleague.

She wouldn't leave me alone after...constant messages (at work we have instant messaging on our computers) saying I'm her best friend and she loves me...if I didn't reply then got messages asking why...messaged me on Facebook all the time and commented on EVERYTHING!! Messaged my colleagues about me and asking why I don't talk to her...When I got married she asked me for a wedding photo of me to put in a frame (just plain weird) I said no, and she kept pushing! On my last no she replied 'I will just take from your computer then' as had it as my screensaver...
For me final straw....I blocked her on everything...I barely spoke at work unless I really had to (about work)
Some people are just weird...maybe lonely, but that doesn't excuse such strange behavior! If a man, would be classed as a stalker!!
I have no regrets blocking her or the fact she knows I blocked her as just way too stressful having someone like that around!!

Do what Nofunkin suggests.

Go on face book and knock anything off that makes you visible eg when you are on line, your location and also in messenger. This is how she will know when you are on line.
She does sound weird and too much though!

I think if you don't want to just block her on everything I'd let her know you are busy and won't be replying. So assuming you are replying quite often to spare her feelings I'd say at the start of the week after she's sent a few messages 'Hi Jane, yes, everything's ok, just busy with baby and everything else. Will catch up over the weekend' or something along those lines and then ignore 2 days of messages/ calls and reiterate 'Hi Jane. No, not ignoring you (if she's asking that) or yes, everything's ok (if she's asking that instead), just busy with the family and everything. Will catch up over the weekend' and then ignore until the weekend and then reply saying you've had such a busy week, how are you, ok? Good good, must go now. And so on and so on until she gets bored of not getting what she wants from you but not ghosting her which could give her fuel for any drama she may want to create.

Could you say ‘I’m really sorry but I can’t be available at the moment. I’m really busy and I can see that you would like to chat more often than I can do. I’m going to have to ask you not to call at night because it’s too disruptive. Please don’t be offended I’m just not free to chat. There are really good Facebook chat groups that are available at all hours. I hope you understand!’

I fear if you block her on WhatsApp she will just keep founding different ways to contact you.

Does she know your addy?

Is her name Emma ? I had a friend who was like this. She made me scared to look at my phone. Every time it dinged I had a panic. It was awful. If she couldn’t reach me by text, she’d fb message then WhatsApp then twitter and then Instagram it was a nightmare.
I went 2 days once not responding she text my neighbour to ask her to come round to check on me.
She used to always have a party or celebration that I had to attend and buy bloody presents for.
I did the vague responses, didn’t work. I did the slow replies and no replies that didn’t work.
I spoke with her about it and she made me feel guilty.
In the end I exploded. We had a argument via text about how I was a shit friend for not always texting her back quick enough and how I should be supportive as she has anxiety. How I should be helping with her daughter. I blocked her on every platform possible and have never looked back. I still get the odd yearly message from random asking if I’d like her number and that she misses me but I just block them.

So my advice although it might not be a popular one is to block her completely before she drives you insane.

I wouldn't just block her without saying that you're very busy and tired because of your baby and t you're taking a break from social media and socialising. You're letting her down gently which I think seems kinder than just blocking her with no explanation.

thanks everyone for your responses and stories.

I have actually snapped at her when she called me few times at 2 am and then sent me messages asking me why I’m not answering.. I said “please stop calling me at odd hours I have a baby and need to focus on him and need my sleep”. It was over messages but I was very fed up.

So then she seemed offended and started calling me during the day. I said I was busy, ( I really was), she said doing what ? I said looking after baby. So she said plz call me when he naps .. anyway tried to get out of many situations like this eventually ran out of excuses and called her.. she wanted to meet up and I felt bad about snapping so I invited her..

Was resenting it and was avoiding it for maybe 2 months. Just wanted to get it out of the way. As soon as meeting was over, she called me... texted me.. asking me when I will meet again... why was I not responding.

I’m so tried even typing this up. Been ignoring her ever since saying I’m busy.

Now she texts saying she has something urgent to tell me. I know it’s going to be something rediculous. I said I’m busy.

I guess I won’t block her but.. thanks for the pp that suggested the mute function. I did that.

I guess I’m struggling with the guilt of ignoring her.. I would like to be helping her when she REALLY needs help but I don’t want to be someone she kills time with...

I also have a very weird feeling in my gut about her obsession over my son.. she seems over protective over him and quite obsessed. She only met him twice but I think ever since she met him she has become very obsessive towards me. I’m worried this is the reason behind her obsession because she didn’t seem bothered about spending time with me in real life as much as it was about my son... and all her whatsapping is trying to get me to meet up because she missed my son..

It’s cute if it’s coming from a close friend.. but even so, I feel bad saying this but I don’t feel it’s coming from a healthy place. Am I being jealous ?? I love love my son being loved and adored by my actual friends but the level of obsession is making me worry.

No you aren't being jealous, thats not something I'd be comfortable with.

She sounds completely bonkers. Does she live near you?