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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In law issues

7 replies

fringeandtrainers · 23/06/2019 19:46

So.. my partner and I are in the process of moving to a new area. We currently live in a small house that we are growing out of, we've accepted an offer and we are looking at a wreck of a house to do up. this house is closer to my parents and further away from my MIL and SIL. We have tried to stay as equidistant (sp?) as possible but we live in London so theres only some areas we can afford. My parents and my MIL have both given us money to help over time and with our own savings we were able to buy. My MIL released equity from her home for my SIL to buy a property and gave some to us and my BIL at the same time. We didn't ask for it and my MIL stated that it would be ours in the will anyway. That's when we started to think we might move again, sooner rather than later.

HOWEVER I can sense this, we've given you money so you can't move away vibe as both MIL and SIL are fairly..... unhinged?! They react unreasonably to minor things and my partner had a difficult childhood and still struggles to maintain a civil relationship with them. He has/is having therapy to undo esteem issues that they definitely compound. They can be lovely and have a great relationship with my child which I want to continue. I also have a great relationship with them both but at the same time, see how dysfunctional it all is.

My family don't care where we move and just want us to be happy.

I suppose i'm just asking, what would you do/how would you behave going forward? I know it's going to possibly blow at some point and i'll be accused of literally taking the money and running! My partner wants to move further from them as he feels their controlling vibes and relationship needs some considered space. We will still be only an hour on the tube too! And we have lived closer to them for the past 3 years, while living two hours (door to door) from my family.

Help!

OP posts:
QuizzlyBear · 23/06/2019 20:56

We had a similar issue 12 years ago - we lived in a house down the road from my in-laws that we bought using a deposit they gifted my DH. We lived there for 7 years, during which time my MIL was constantly involving herself in every aspect of our day to day lives. We always felt this unspoken feeling of being beholden to her and under pressure to acquiesce to her plans (for the decor, our career plans, holidays, diet...)

After I had our DS1, I had pnd, exacerbated by their constant presence and criticism. We decided when I got pregnant with DS2 that we needed to move closer to my parents (1.5 hours away). She had an absolute shit fit. It took her years to stop sulking and making comments about 'throwing away her generosity'.

We've had 12 years of living in a house we chose, in an area we love, close to my very relaxed parents. We see the in-laws once a month. Move - it'll save your sanity!

makingmammaries · 23/06/2019 20:57

Buy whatever place makes you happy. If it’s further away, you’ll be less exposed to the IL flak.

Smart10 · 23/06/2019 21:13

Move away. They’ll get over it. Or they won’t, whatever, it was not a condition of your gift.

fringeandtrainers · 23/06/2019 21:16

Oh it's just so good to hear that people have had similar issues. @QuizzlyBear I had pnd too and I was speaking to my partner about it today and I don't think his family noticed. Which is ridiculous. But we are talking about people who only see their emotions. Which is why i'm in the wary stage! I think we will and we'll prepare ourselves for the fallout! Thank you so much to you both for taking the time to reply

OP posts:
QuizzlyBear · 23/06/2019 22:09

No, my in-laws just saw my pnd as me being 'over emotional'. My MIL also used to act as though it was a maternal failing of some kind.

Different generation, I know, but I'm glad we moved when we did, this way we do have a decent relationship with them, if we'd stayed I think we would have fallen out irreparably. Good luck with the new life!

Jamiefraserskilt · 23/06/2019 22:50

Show her houses outside London and be serious that you considered them but decided to move halfway between parents. Did the money come with caveats?

fringeandtrainers · 24/06/2019 21:39

No money didn't come with any demands (at the time) - it's an odd dynamic of MIL and SIL egging each other on to have very weird expectations of my partner. I play dumb most of the time so may just continue with that tact!

OP posts:
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